Broken

There are no words to express how I am feeling.  In less than 48 hours we will be saying, "Goodbye" to our 3 year old and our 21 month old forever and a part of my heart is dying.  There are so many things I need to do in this short time:pack their things (how do you pack 3 years of a life into a box?), pour all the love I can into them, make memories that may or may not last a lifetime, and break the news to them.

I feel like a bomb has been set up, the timer is ticking.  It is ticking off the seconds and my head and heart register every click.  Destruction is inevitable.  People are going to get hurt.  I want to call in the bomb squad, but there is NO ONE to call. NO ONE can stop this.  Believe me we've tried.  We've talked to more caseworkers than I care to remember, DCFS, lawyers, prayer warriors, the inspector general...no one seems able to disarm this constantly ticking, life threatening device.

Tick-Tick-Tick

Of course we know that God can-But for some reason outside of my understanding, He is not.  It is not because we haven't asked.  Trust me, we have been camped at the foot of His throne for weeks...years even.  "His ways are not our ways..." believe me I can see that clearly. (Isaiah 55:8) And, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still," is echoing in my head and heart.  Right next to the constant ticking of this bomb.

Tick-Tick-Tick

I do not know how to "be still."  There is too much pain in being still- pain I have been running from for far too long to allow it to catch up with me now.

Tick-Tick-Tick

Is this how Joseph felt as his brothers sold him off into slavery? Or Moses as he shipped off to the palace?  Moses was 3 when he left his family to go live in the palace.  He had to say goodbye to the people who loved and nurtured him every day for 3 years.  And yet...he remembered the teachings he had learned from his mom.  (Have I done a good enough job instilling God's word into these boys?  Will they remember that God loves them?  Will they remember that we love them?)  So many questions.  Will these boys know that God has a plan for them?

How can this be part of God's plan?  Tick-Tick-Tick

What about my other kids?  Will they stop believing in fighting for what is right? Will they think it is too hard, too painful?  Will their broken hearts mend?

Tick-Tick-Tick

How do I help them? How do I teach them that regardless of the outcome, we always do what is right?  How do I walk them through this pain when I am drowning in it myself?

Tick-Tick-Tick

What do I say to a 7 year old who has emotional and physical scars from this "mom" her siblings are going to be living with?  What do I say to her questions, "Who is going to check them and make sure no one is hurting them?  Who will keep them safe?"  And these questions  were just for overnight visits.  What will I say to her when she finds out this will be forever?

Tick-Tick-Tick

How do we even do this new forever?
I search God's word for comfort, and as always, it is there.  Verses like Ps 21:13-14, "I would have despaired had I not known that I would see the hand of the Lord in the land of the living, wait for the Lord, take heart and wait for the Lord."  or Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."  The list goes on and on but for some reason I cannot hold on to the peace these verses bring.  It is fleeting.

Tick-Tick-Tick

Music, music has always been a balm to my wary, hurting heart.  Hymns like Reach Out to Jesus and Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus or more contemporary songs like  Perfect Peace by Laura's Story. However, I can find no lasting peace here either.  Everything keeps slipping through my fingers, just as these boys are slipping away from our home.

Tick-Tick-Tick

I've been in hard places before- this is not new to me.  God has proven Himself faithful so many times that I should have no doubts now.  So why can't I rest in that?  Am I flawed somehow?  Is my faith not genuine?  Can I live with unanswered questions from God? Can, "Because I said so," be enough of an answer for me? The bomb keeps ticking and with it my peace is fleeting.

Tick-Tick-Tick

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are stayed on You." (Isaiah 26:3)  Maybe this is the problem. I cannot keep my mind and heart stayed on Him.  The ticking is too loud, the heartache too real.

Tick-Tick-Tick

And yet...
Somewhere in the back of my mind, somewhere in the depths of my breaking heart, I know God has not forsaken us.  I may feel like Lazarus being wrapped in burial cloth- or like his sisters as they watched these events unfold- but I still believe in God.  I still believe in a God who can resurrect life, even after all earthly hope is gone.  Though the light of hope is extremely dim, and the ticking of the bomb is extremely loud, STILL I will trust Him.

Indeed His ways are not my ways, but I choose, despite the struggle against my humanity, to walk by faith and not by sight.

Tick-I STILL BELIEVE-Tick-I STILL BELIEVE-Tick-I STILL BELIEVE

Humble and broken~Marla

Kick Off Your Flip Flops!

It's that time of year again....my boots have been put away and I have exchanged them for my favorite flip flops!  Bring on the warm weather, swimming and campfires!  I am ready! Seems that we have had an especially long winter season...in more ways than one! And over here in Graham land, we are all back and unpacking from our vacation...wish you could all see the magic of packing and unpacking for this many people!

Ok...so back to flip flops, thanks to my friend, Traci Mason, I can never look at a pair of flip flops the same.  Just a few months ago I had the opportunity to hear her speak and it set me to thinking!

What I have realized is that I am a flip flopper.  When things in my life are going smooth, I find it rather easy to trust the Lord.  As a pastor's wife and women's ministry leader, I often have the opportunity to encourage people who are struggling and I am always quick to share with them how God can and should be trusted in ALL circumstances. Even if you take a look back at these blogs and I hope you will find this to be true. And, I believe with all of my heart that the things I tell others are absolutely true.

The trouble comes in when I am facing frightening situations in my own life.  Even as I type this the verses, "Perfect love casts out all fear." (1 John 4:18) and Isaiah 41:10, "Do not fear for I am with you..."  pop into my head.  So the battle is between my head and my heart.  In my head, I can reason and stand rock solid in my running shoes on these truths, but my heart is not always convinced, and often wants to choose the flip flops.

When I think about it, flip flops are almost like wearing no shoes at all...natural you know?  Just as my natural response is to waiver, or to doubt, rather than to rise to the challenge. Why must it be so easy to sin?  :( and so challenging to walk in faith?!

Maybe you struggle with these same things?  Not just knowing that God is in control, but living that out in the day to day.  Or maybe I should say, living that out in the middle of your anxious nights?  If so, my challenge for both of us is to throw away our flip flops and trade them in for a brand new pair of running shoes!

Because I often struggle with this, I have found a few things that help when I catch myself grabbing my flip flops, maybe they will help you also:

-Don't focus on the problem, focus on the solution... (Think Peter walking on water)

-Don't wallow in your misery. (Pity Party, Party of One)

-Remember that there was no promise that this life would be easy once we signed up to follow Christ.  (John 16:33)

-Joy is a CHOICE...In the words of Cheir Keaggy's song Restored, "I'm practicing joy, choosing it daily, putting it on like a favorite cologne and when life breaks me down, it won't even phase me some call me crazy, but I'm just in love with the Lord!"

As always, I would love to hear your thoughts or answer any questions you have, until then I hope to see you on the race track in your running shoes!

"...let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us"

Hebrews 12:1

My Moses Babies

At different points in my life, I have been able to relate to different people in the Bible.  There are times I can relate to Jeremiah, the weeping prophet, as he mourns over his fellow countrymen turning their backs on God.  Other times when I can relate to David, crying out for protection from his enemies.  And still other times when I can cry out like Paul "What a wretched man I am!" (Romans 7:24).  But never, have I related more to a person from the Bible than I do with Jochebed, Moses' mother.  Jochebed lived during a time when the Israelites were under the rule of a cruel Egyptian pharaoh.  The Pharaoh was concerned about the strength and number of Israelites and so after trying  some other scheme, he orders that every Hebrew baby boy that is born must be thrown into the Nile River, and that is where Jochebed comes in.  Let's peek in at the story from Exodus chapter 2:1-4

"Now a man of the tribe of Levi married a Levite woman,(Jochebed) and she became pregnant and gave birth to a son.  When she saw that he was a fine child, she hid him for three months. But when she could hide him no longer, she got a papyrus basket for him and coated it with tar and pitch.  Then she placed the child in it and put it among the reeds along the bank of the Nile.  His sister (Miriam) stood at a distance to see what would happen to him." Italics mine 

This is the first part of the story, and what I see is a woman who loved her baby boy and valued life.  She took great risks to protect him.  She hid a baby for 3 months, not an easy task if you consider all the crying a newborn baby does, and then when she could hide him in her home no longer, she made a basket and placed him in the Nile River, in a sense obeying the decree of the Pharaoh, yet with her own added protection.  The struggle that must have been taking place within her, a mother's heart to protect at all costs and yet knowing the only thing she could do was let go and trust that God had it under control.  Let's look at the rest of the story, picking it up in verses 5-8

"Then Pharaoh’s daughter went down to the Nile to bathe, and her  attendants were walking along the riverbank. She saw the basket among the reeds and sent her female slave to get it. ⁶ She opened it and saw the baby. He was crying, and she felt sorry for him. “This is one of the Hebrew babies,” she said. ⁷ Then his sister asked Pharaoh’s daughter, “Shall I go and get one of the Hebrew women to nurse the baby for you?” ⁸ “Yes, go,” she answered. So the girl went and got the baby’s mother. ⁹ Pharaoh’s daughter said to her, “Take this baby and nurse him for me, and I will pay you.”  So the woman took the baby and nursed him. ¹⁰ When the child grew older, she took him to Pharaoh’s daughter and he became her son. She named him Moses, saying, “I drew him out of the water.”

Ultimately, Jochebed's prayers were answered, Moses' life was spared and she even got to love on him, nurse him and just as an added bonus, she got paid to do it!  Now isn't that just like God to see Jochebed's heart and sprinkle in his favor.  Of course, as each day passed, Jochebed knew that their time together was more and more limited.  She knew that eventually she would have to surrender her baby again when it was time for him to go live with Pharaoh's daughter.  What she didn't know at that point, is that God was going to use Moses to deliver the Israelites from bondage.  He was putting the pieces together even as Jochebed rocked her sweet baby boy and with tears streaming down her cheeks, she sang him lullabies.  She just didn't know it.  No one did, except of course, God.

In the last four and a half years, I have come to understand Jochebed's plight at a deep level.  God has delievered 3 Moses babies to our home.  Many of you know that I have the privilege of raising my niece and 2 nephews, and in some ways their journey is much like Moses, and my heart feels much like Jochebed's.  You see, legally, these babies aren't mine, I have been chosen to care for them, to love on them and in every sense, to be their momma.  But...legally, well legally, that is a different story.  In fact, the birth parents still, after almost 5 years, have more rights than I do to these babies.  And each day that goes by, may be a day closer to them being part of our forever family, or may be a day closer to them returning to the birth family.  I want to hold tightly to them, to hide them away in hopes of not being discovered, but the truth is, I cannot.  So, like Jochebed, I am forced to make a basket, to line it with tar, and to place them in it, hoping they will be rescued and returned to me, but unaware of the long term plan.  Only God knows that.

It was only a year ago, when I literally had to release one of these babies.  My, then 11 month old nephew was ordered to "return home."  It was with great weeping and a deep sorrow, sorrow unlike any I had known before, that I packed up his belongings and placed him into that basket in the Nile.  I was terrified, "The crocodiles may consume him," I argued with God.  I begged God to intervene, I believed God was going to step in before I had to let him go, but the day came and I was forced, against everything in me, to put this sweet baby in the care of people I knew would not love or protect him, and walk away.  Actually, more accurately, to be drug away.  I wonder if Jochebed had to be drug away as she turned Moses over?

God provided a Miriam though, for this sweet baby boy.  You see, the court for my niece, had not agreed that she should be returned "home" so instead she began unsupervised visits and then would return here to our care.  While she was on a visit, she could watch out for her brother and report back to us on how he was doing.  Then, one night she returned home with the saddest of all tales, not for her brother but for her.  As I was bathing her and getting her ready for bed, I saw that she had been injured.  I cannot go into detail about the injury except to say that it was significant. The realm of emotions I felt in that moment are indescribable.  As I tenderly washed her and questioned her, I could see that this wound went straight to her sweet, little heart.  She was frightened at what she had experienced, and afraid for her brother who had remained in the Nile, while she had gotten to come home.  Even now as I write this, fresh tears spring to my eyes, and fresh questions.  I do not understand why she had to go through this, and why God didn't work this out in a different way.  I wonder if Miriam was afraid as she sat and watched over Moses?  Was she full of fear as she approached the Pharaoh's daughter?

44 days after placing our baby boy in the Nile, he came home.  He was removed from the birth home and welcomed back into our house.  It was with great celebration, as you can imagine, but also with heartache at knowing what his sister had had to endure, and not knowing what all he had endured.  And now, a year later, and a new baby added to the mix, we are still uncertain of if or when someone will tell us we have to send any of these three babies home.  It is still very much a reality, one that often robs me of sleep.  Oh I understand the heart of Jochebed!  How many nights did she walk the floor, checking and double checking on her baby, uncertain of their future together.  How many tears did she shed at the uncertainty of all that lie ahead of them.  And I wonder if she again had tears streaming down her cheeks as she sang him lullabies?

This side of heaven, we will not know exactly what Jochebed was feeling, but we do know that she must have spent her days filling Moses' head with the knowledge of God, of who He was and what He could do.  We know this because as Moses  grew, He walked with God.  When God appeared to him in the burning bush, he knew it was the great "I AM."    So I am taking notes from Jochebed, really none of us know what tomorrow holds, we only have the promise of this moment right now.  Let's use the time we have wisely, let's train up our babies to know and love the Lord.  Let's hold each moment precious, and try not to waste this moment being anxious about what the next moment may bring.  Oh trust me, I know that is easier said than done, but really it is all we can do because though we don't know the long term plan, God does. And I trust that He loves me, that He loves these babies even more than I do, and that He's "got this." So sing those lullabies, even if tears are streaming down your face as you do! 

Would love to hear your thoughts!

Have Thine Own Way, Lord

Back in October we were sitting in the courtroom awaiting a major decision in regards to my niece and nephew and their future with us. As we were waiting I began to pray for the judge to have the mind of Christ and to be willing to listen to His voice. In the midst of my prayer I felt the Lord say to me, "Are you praying for yourself to have my eyes? Are you praying that you be willing to listen to My voice?" Then the lyrics of the old hymn came to my mind:

1. Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way!
Thou art the potter, I am the clay.
Mold me and make me after thy will,
while I am waiting, yielded and still.

2. Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way!
Search me and try me, Savior today!
Wash me just now, Lord, wash me just now,
as in thy presence humbly I bow.

3. Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way!
Wounded and weary, help me I pray!
Power, all power, surely is thine!
Touch me and heal me, Savior divine!

4. Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way!
Hold o'er my being absolute sway.
Fill with thy Spirit till all shall see
Christ only, always, living in me!

So I began to pray that this would be my attitude, that I would be willing to do whatever the Lord had planned for me. The judge came back into the courtroom and his decision was not what I thought God's plan was going to be.

In the months since that day in court we have been on a roller coaster ride of emotions. Most recently we are hanging upside down on the giant loop part of that roller coaster. I do not like where we are. Many of my nights have been spent in anxious prayer for the roller coaster ride to come to a stop, I am ready to get off! Never liked roller coasters that much anyway!

Then this past week, I had the opportunity to help a friend plant some flowers. While I was planting, I couldn't help notice how different her soil was from the soil at my house. Her soil was very clayish...and then God gently reminded me of my prayer back in October..."Have thine own way Lord, have thine own way, YOU are the potter and I am the clay, mold me and make me, after THY will...."

Life is a struggle, and some days I am dealing better with the roller coaster than others, but I am always thankful that when I lose sight of the bigger plan, that God gently reminds me. Someday this ride will come to a complete stop and I will be able to exit this ride in perfect peace for eternity. But, in the mean time I am just going to have to stick it out, deal with the motion sickness, and remember that God is the safety belt holding me fast.

How about you? Any roller coaster rides you would like to share with me? I would love to hear your story!

Hosea 2:15 "I will...transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope."

Hope

Hope- I just love that word.  As soon as I hear it something deep inside me feels refreshed, like an ice cold drink of water after a hot day of gardening.  According to the Hought Mifflin dictionary the definition of hope as a verb is:

1. To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.
2. Archaic To have confidence; trust.

Now I would bet that we all have hopes and dreams, for ourselves and for our children.  We hope for good health, we hope our children will be successful, hey we hope we will be successful!  We hope for everyday miracles:  I hope this dress will fit, I hope the check comes in the mail today, I hope so and so doesn’t stop by today…  Well you get the picture! 

It is funny the strength you can get from hope.  When I was younger and really struggling with life I had a huge hope.  I had a hope for rising above the circumstances I found myself in.  Travis Tritt had a song that I would sing with all my heart and at the top of my lungs, “I’m gonna be somebody.  One of these days I’m gonna break these chains.  Yeah, I’m gonna be somebody someday, you can bet your bottom dollar I will….”  Even now as I write out the words to that song I can feel my heart pounding with anticipation.  Isn’t that what hope does?  It gives us something to look forward to.  If you have ever felt like you were in a hopeless situation and then found something to hope for, you understand the power of hope. 

Awhile back I was in a situation that seemed hopeless, no matter which way I looked there seemed to be no solution, no sign of rescue or release.  I struggled for days, even weeks with this feeling of hopelessness.  Every area of my life was affected: my relationship with my husband and kids suffered, my desire to get out of bed in the morning was vacant, my joy was AWOL, and most of all my prayer life was empty.  It is hard to pray when your heart is so full of hurt and so empty of hope.  Then God brought a verse to mind that I had memorized as a youth.  It comes from Psalm 20 verse 7, “Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we will trust in the name of the Lord God.”  You see, when we are feeling hopeless, the truth is we have to put our hope in the wrong thing.  We have taken our focus off of God, who is our hope, and placed in on chariots and horses, or friends and family, or circumstances and events.  When we place our trust, our hope in Christ, we will NEVER be disappointed.  Things may not always go the way we would like but we will have assurance that God is in control and we are in His hands.  No matter what, if we have a relationship with Christ, we always have the hope of better things to come.  Though things on earth often leave us feeling hopeless, we know that it will all pass away and we can look forward to eternity in Heaven with our Creator!  So in the words on Third Days song My Hope is in You, “My hope is in You/ Show me Your ways/ Guide me in truth/ In all my days/ My hope is in You”