Just a Nobody

For as long as I can remember I have faced a battle to be somebody.  I have shared here before that I grew up in some pretty rough circumstances. Food, and clothes were in limited supply.  I was the free lunch, government cheese kid.  It was a humbling road to walk, and though I appreciated the food and money help we had during that time I hated being "that kid."  Food and clothes were not the only thing in short supply from my youth.  Those are just the easier things to talk about because everyone who knows my past, knows those things.  The fear of not knowing where my next meal is going to come from is something from my far away past. 

What is not so far away is the daily struggle I have with feeling as if I am someone people cannot love.  This is a very raw part of my heart and something I have only shared before with a few close friends.  You see when you grow up knowing that you are not what your parents want, not what anyone wants, it messes with your head and punctures your heart.  All of my life I have wrestled to be "somebody" all the while knowing that I am nothing more than a "Smith kid from Castleton."  I knew it, I felt it, I fought it.  I used to blast Travis Tritt's song for hours from my bedroom stereo, "I'm gonna be somebody, one of these days I'm gonna break these chains..." and I worked hard to do just that. 

But no matter what I did, at the end of the day, I still knew that no matter what I did, it would not change the fact that I was someone that people just could not love.

I remember the first time I heard the gospel message, that God loved ME so much that He sent his son (that HE loved) to come die on a cross for ME.  I was surprised that anyone would do such a thing for me.  Ultimately, that is what led me to committing my life to Christ.  And, my heart healed.  I still struggled but when I was feeling unloved I would read scripture and remind myself that God loved me, God chose me.  I am "fearfully and wonderfully made and He "knit me together in my mother's womb" (Psalm 139) and "had plans for me" (Jeremiah 29:11). 

Wouldn't it be great if the story ended there?  I want it to, but life is a journey and until we reach our final destination, we will be faced with struggles and trials that continue to grow us. I posted a blog sometime ago entitled, "Splinters and Wounds"that reminds us that if we don't fully remove splinters (deal with painful past circumstances) then we will continually bump into them and they will continue to cause pain.  Well, that is exactly what happened. 

Life happened, I got married, finished my degree, had kids, and started teaching.  I struggled with these old feelings anytime Jerry (my husband) and I had a disagreement.  I knew in my head that he loved me but my heart would tell me that I had finally done the one thing that would make him stop loving me.  It was the same with friends, if I disappointed anyone I was sure they would just be done with me.  This is a great recipe for becoming a people pleaser, and I was a great one!

God, in his infinite love and care, would not leave me there though.  He kept stretching and growing me to be who HE called me to be. It all came to a head when my dad was dying.  I was at the hospital visiting him before he went in for heart surgery.  Things had been tense between us since my brother's kids had been placed in our care by DCFS.  He was angry with me for speaking out and blamed me for the situation.  We hadn't talked in months and I was hoping this would be the moment of reconciliation.  He looked up at me, pointed to the whiteboard on the wall of his hospital bed that listed family members and their phone numbers.  He looked me right in the eye and said, "Notice your name is not there."  Those were the last words my dad ever spoke to me.  Even now as I type them I can feel the sting of his words.  Message received, "You are unwanted, you are not worthy of my love." 

Just recently, I applied for a job in the town I have lived in for the past 15 years.  A town where I have finally felt "at home" in.  The place where we raised our babies, and are still raising them!  This is the town I want to grow old in.  The people in this town have loved on us, and we have had the privileged to love on them. Long story short, I did not get the job.  It felt very much like the old struggle all over again.  This rejection felt very personal and has brought back all the old "Smith kid from Castleton" memories.

Splinters and wounds.

Then George Floyd's death and the riots broke out, and I was reminded that many people struggle with feeling like we were born at a disadvantage, and that no matter how hard we strive to overcome those things, we cannot. I was also reminded, that this simply is not true.  We are ALL "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139) and God has "a plan to prosper us and not to harm us" (Jeremiah 29:11). Italics mine

Music has been a tool that the Lord has used to bring healing in the midst of my brokenness, and this time is no different.  Casting Crowns recently released a song entitled, "Nobody" that has been a gentle reminder that:

1. I am loved and somebody in the eyes of God and

2. It isn't about me, it is all about Jesus

Here are some of the lyrics to this song:

Why You ever chose me
Has always been a mystery
All my life, I've been told I belong
At the end of a line
With all the other Not-Quites
With all the Never-Get-It-Rights
But it turns out they are the ones You were looking for
All this time

'Cause I'm just a nobody trying to tell everybody
All about Somebody who saved my soul
Ever since You rescued me, You gave my heart a song to sing
I'm living for the world to see nobody but Jesus
I'm living for the world to see nobody but Jesus

Moses had stage fright
And David brought a rock to a sword fight
You picked twelve outsiders nobody would've chosen
And You changed the world
Well, the moral of the story is
Everybody's got a purpose
So when I hear that devil start talking to me, saying
"Who do you think you are?" I say

I'm just a nobody trying to tell everybody
All about Somebody who saved my soul
Ever since You rescued me, You gave my heart a song to sing

Songwriters: Mark John Hall / Bernie Herms / Matthew Joseph West

Nobody lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Songtrust Ave, BMG Rights Management

My favorite line is, "You picked twelve outsiders nobody would've chosen and You changed the world." I am definitely an "outsider" that nobody would have chosen.  Beyond that,  I so hope to change the world.  Want to join me?  I think I will start by loving those around me and letting them know that we are all somebody in the eyes of Jesus.

As always, let me know if you have comments or questions!