Friday, October 23, 2015

I'm No Quitter

Tomorrow marks the 300th day that the boys have been gone.

300 days of not getting to tuck them in.

300 days without hugging them.

300 days of no snuggling deep into the covers to read our favorite books and sing our silly Graham songs.

300 days of the tear stained faces of each of my kids.

300 broken days and not one of those days have passed without waves of sadness washing over our wounded hearts.

I have to be honest with you (I try to make that a habit :).  This has nearly taken everything from me.  I have never felt a sadness like the one that has wrapped its cold, icy fingers around my heart so tightly that, at times. even breathing has become a chore.  It has been a toe to toe, minute by minute battle these last 300 days.

There have been times I was not sure that I would make it even one more day, but now I find myself sitting here on the edge of 300 days.

300 days of this new normal.

300 days of surviving.

300 days of struggling to trust God.

300 days of fighting.

Fighting....fighting what?

For 8+ years we have fought a broken foster care and judicial system.  We have fought injustice, birth parents, and dishonesty. We have fought against judgmental people, unkind and unwanted advice, and even against our sinful natures.  Shamefully, we have even fought against God.  This has been a long, hard journey. 

Ultimately though, Ephesians 6:12 reminds us that we have actually been fighting against satan himself.  "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."    

I am battle weary. Two weeks ago I would still have told you that I wasn't sure that I could take one more step, one more minute, or one more day.  Satan was about to claim a victory over my shaken faith.  Then something changed.  I wish I could tell you it was my circumstances, but it wasn't that.  I am not really sure what trigger it.  Maybe it is the fighter in me?  More likely, it was God shaking me out of my broken hearted slumber and reminding me that He isn't quite finished with me.  I have been reminded that I am not done fighting.  I am lacing up my boxing gloves and I am ready to go a few more rounds with the "powers of this dark world."  

There is a new song that is popular in pop music.  It is sung by Rachel Platten and entitled, "Fight Song,"  I have decided I love it and have taken the liberty to rewrite the lyrics to tailor them to my battle cry. I am sure Ms. Platten won't mind!  

I wonder if any of you can relate?  Maybe life has thrown you a curve ball, or two and  you feel like you are sinking?   If so, and you need someone to cheer you on from the side lines, please don't hesitate to send me an email.  But first, print out my edited lyrics and click on the link above. Then look satan square in his enemy eyes and sing with me at the top of your lungs, "THIS IS MY FIGHT SONG..."

(My changes are in italics)

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how God's word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion
And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
God's  power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (I'm in too deep)
And it's been 300 days
They miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
And I still believe
Yeah I still believe
And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time