Faith, Hope & Love

 

    A year ago today my husband and I went to the courthouse expecting to leave with a date on the calendar for adoption of our sweet, third bonus blessing.  Instead, we left with a finalized adoption and hearts full of joy and weeping.  It was a Valentine's day we will never forget.  

    The journey had been a rough one.  This sweet boy was placed in our home at birth (January 2012), the third baby since July of 2008  and sibling to the other two blessings.  It was indeed love at first sight.  If you have followed our story you know that it has been a series of ups and downs as we have navigated the world of foster care. One of the deepest downs, was in March of 2015, when this sweet boy and his younger brother, who joined our family in May of 2013, were returned to their birth mother.  We spent the next 866 days trying to make sense of our broken world and in daily prayer for their safety and return.

    In July of 2017, God answered our prayers and both boys were returned to our home.  The next three years were filled with court dates, counseling appointments, and healing as we began putting the pieces of these sweet boys, our broken hearts, and our family back together.  So February 14, 2020 was a day of immense celebration as we our faith in God was proven, our hope in restoration was realized, and our love of this sweet baby was secured.  What a day! 

    This past year I was introduced to a song entitled, "Better Together" by Luke Combs.  It was written as a beautiful love song about how this couple is well, better together!  But, after listening to it a few times, it struck me that with a few tweaks (you know how I love to change song lyrics to fit my needs) this song would be a perfect adoption song.  I thought about writing Mr. Combs and asking him if he would rewrite the second verse for all of us adoptive parents and rerecord a version for us, but when I mentioned that to my girls they rolled their eyes at me.  So I guess I will have to settle for posting his lyrics with my revisions below.  Also, I don't usually post about drinking beer, since we don't but the lyrics are about things that go together and "good ole boys and beer" does fit! 

My edits are in red and my favorite line, "But I wouldn't have it any other way and if I'm being honest, your first and our last name" is underlined! So to all you adoptive mamas (and papas) out there, crank up the music (you can click the link above) and sing your heart out.  To everyone else, feel free to join in!

A 40 HP Johnson on a flat bottom metal boat
Coke cans and BB guns, barbed wire and old fence posts
8-point bucks in autumn and freshly cut cornfields
One arm out the window and one hand on the wheel

 

Some things just go better together and probably always will
Like a cup of coffee and a sunrise, Sunday drives and time to kill
What's the point of this ole' guitar if it ain't got no strings?
Or pourin' your heart into a song that you ain't gonna sing?
It's a match made up in heaven, like good ole' boys and beer
And me, as long as you're right here

 

Your hand in our hand  when we go out downtown
Your fingerprints on every single thing that we got in this house
The way you say, "I love you, too" is like rain on an old tin roof
And your hand fits right into mine like a needle in a groove

 

Some things just go better together and probably always will
Like a cup of coffee and a sunrise, Sunday drives and time to kill
What's the point of this ole' guitar if it ain't got no strings?
Or pourin' your heart into a song that you ain't gonna sing?
It's a match made up in heaven, like good ole' boys and beer
And me, as long as you're right here

 

Sometimes we're oil and water

But I wouldn't have it any other way
And if I'm being honest, your first and our last name

 

Would just sound better together and probably always will
Like a cup of coffee and a sunrise, Sunday drives and time to kill
What's the point of this ole' guitar if it ain't got no strings?
Or pourin' your heart into a song that you ain't gonna sing?
It's a match made up in heaven, like good ole' boys and beer
And me, as long as you're right here
And me, as long as you're right here

 

Still singing a year later!  Comments or questions?  You know what to do!

                                                                                                            ~Marla

Broken

There are no words to express how I am feeling.  In less than 48 hours we will be saying, "Goodbye" to our 3 year old and our 21 month old forever and a part of my heart is dying.  There are so many things I need to do in this short time:pack their things (how do you pack 3 years of a life into a box?), pour all the love I can into them, make memories that may or may not last a lifetime, and break the news to them.

I feel like a bomb has been set up, the timer is ticking.  It is ticking off the seconds and my head and heart register every click.  Destruction is inevitable.  People are going to get hurt.  I want to call in the bomb squad, but there is NO ONE to call. NO ONE can stop this.  Believe me we've tried.  We've talked to more caseworkers than I care to remember, DCFS, lawyers, prayer warriors, the inspector general...no one seems able to disarm this constantly ticking, life threatening device.

Tick-Tick-Tick

Of course we know that God can-But for some reason outside of my understanding, He is not.  It is not because we haven't asked.  Trust me, we have been camped at the foot of His throne for weeks...years even.  "His ways are not our ways..." believe me I can see that clearly. (Isaiah 55:8) And, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still," is echoing in my head and heart.  Right next to the constant ticking of this bomb.

Tick-Tick-Tick

I do not know how to "be still."  There is too much pain in being still- pain I have been running from for far too long to allow it to catch up with me now.

Tick-Tick-Tick

Is this how Joseph felt as his brothers sold him off into slavery? Or Moses as he shipped off to the palace?  Moses was 3 when he left his family to go live in the palace.  He had to say goodbye to the people who loved and nurtured him every day for 3 years.  And yet...he remembered the teachings he had learned from his mom.  (Have I done a good enough job instilling God's word into these boys?  Will they remember that God loves them?  Will they remember that we love them?)  So many questions.  Will these boys know that God has a plan for them?

How can this be part of God's plan?  Tick-Tick-Tick

What about my other kids?  Will they stop believing in fighting for what is right? Will they think it is too hard, too painful?  Will their broken hearts mend?

Tick-Tick-Tick

How do I help them? How do I teach them that regardless of the outcome, we always do what is right?  How do I walk them through this pain when I am drowning in it myself?

Tick-Tick-Tick

What do I say to a 7 year old who has emotional and physical scars from this "mom" her siblings are going to be living with?  What do I say to her questions, "Who is going to check them and make sure no one is hurting them?  Who will keep them safe?"  And these questions  were just for overnight visits.  What will I say to her when she finds out this will be forever?

Tick-Tick-Tick

How do we even do this new forever?
I search God's word for comfort, and as always, it is there.  Verses like Ps 21:13-14, "I would have despaired had I not known that I would see the hand of the Lord in the land of the living, wait for the Lord, take heart and wait for the Lord."  or Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."  The list goes on and on but for some reason I cannot hold on to the peace these verses bring.  It is fleeting.

Tick-Tick-Tick

Music, music has always been a balm to my wary, hurting heart.  Hymns like Reach Out to Jesus and Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus or more contemporary songs like  Perfect Peace by Laura's Story. However, I can find no lasting peace here either.  Everything keeps slipping through my fingers, just as these boys are slipping away from our home.

Tick-Tick-Tick

I've been in hard places before- this is not new to me.  God has proven Himself faithful so many times that I should have no doubts now.  So why can't I rest in that?  Am I flawed somehow?  Is my faith not genuine?  Can I live with unanswered questions from God? Can, "Because I said so," be enough of an answer for me? The bomb keeps ticking and with it my peace is fleeting.

Tick-Tick-Tick

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are stayed on You." (Isaiah 26:3)  Maybe this is the problem. I cannot keep my mind and heart stayed on Him.  The ticking is too loud, the heartache too real.

Tick-Tick-Tick

And yet...
Somewhere in the back of my mind, somewhere in the depths of my breaking heart, I know God has not forsaken us.  I may feel like Lazarus being wrapped in burial cloth- or like his sisters as they watched these events unfold- but I still believe in God.  I still believe in a God who can resurrect life, even after all earthly hope is gone.  Though the light of hope is extremely dim, and the ticking of the bomb is extremely loud, STILL I will trust Him.

Indeed His ways are not my ways, but I choose, despite the struggle against my humanity, to walk by faith and not by sight.

Tick-I STILL BELIEVE-Tick-I STILL BELIEVE-Tick-I STILL BELIEVE

Humble and broken~Marla

Faith Dance

 

 
So my last post was a bit heavy hearted.  Ok, ok, a lot heavy-hearted!  I admit that we are still walking through some dark and troubling days. And, I still feel very much like we are waiting to hear the final diagnosis.  However, we do not wait without hope. 

As a young girl, I took some dance lessons. I was not really born to be a dancer, but I wanted to be! So after dance class, I would run through all of the moves we had learned to whatever dance we were working on. I would play them over and over again in my head. I often didn’t have the actually music to the song we were performing so I would try to “hear” it in my head. (It was before the days of internet and YouTube!) It was also before, "Dancing with the Stars" or I would have added that to my dream!

As I was pondering our situation and anticipating some upcoming court dates, it stuck me that that those dance days are somewhat like our life right now. Though I cannot “hear” God working...I am able to move forward knowing that I have walked through these moves before. That I have already rehearsed with music times when I could see God moving and “hear” what He was saying. So now, without the music, I must have the faith to run through the dance.  The truth is, the music is still playing (God is still here and working), but for this season, I must move forward without hearing it.   Hebrews 11:1 reminds us that, "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see," so though I am sometimes troubled by all that may lie ahead, I will lace up my dancing shoes and begin moving through the steps I have rehearsed so many times before.  My dance partner is amazing and He knows all the steps...in fact He even created the music! 

 Keep Dancing! 

Marla

Foster parenting and terminal illness

So you might be asking what foster parenting has to do with terminal illness...it does seem like a strange connection, but it is the only way I can describe what we are now walking through.

When you enter the world of foster care, you always know that there is the possibility that these precious babies will one day be returned to the birth parents. In fact, a part of you hopes that this is exactly what happens because it means a restoration...something broken is now repaired.  Parents who were struggling have gotten the needed help and are now ready to reengage in the life of their children.  This is the goal of foster care.  But, I would be lying if I said that that this is easy.

To be a good foster parent, you must fall in love with these children from the very beginning of their placement.  They need love more than anything else in this world.  (Except Jesus, but He is love, right?)  So on one hand you are committing to love and treasure this child for some unknown amount of time all the while being ready to walk away without question when the courts or social service agencies tell you to.  Often times, you are allowed no further contact once reunification takes place.  Am I the only one who thinks this is crazy?

For starters, what message does it send the child?  Do they not wonder if you no longer care?  Do they not feel a new sense of abandonment?  Oh friends, this system is so broken, a system intended to help children seems to be causing even more harm.

And that is if the birth parents really have worked to get healthy.  What happens when that is not the case and the children return home, to the same broken situation they were removed from?  Then what?  How is a foster parent supposed to feel?  What is "socially acceptable?"

I don't know the answer to that question; I only know how I feel.  These last few weeks we have been preparing our hearts (as best as we can) for the beginning process of two of our babies transitioning home.  This transition is happening, not because the parents have worked to "get better" but rather because the social service agency failed to do their job and these babies have fallen through the bureaucratic cracks.  Because of confidentiality, I cannot go into details but if I did, I assure you that your heart would be sickened.  I have literally been told by a caseworker that, "It is not a matter of if these kids will get hurt, but when," and yet I have to allow them to begin having overnights as we prepare for full transition.  So how do I feel?

I feel like I am sitting in a conference room at a hospital.  The team of doctors are all looking at me with serious, frightening faces.  My stomach is turning and threatens to spill as I prepare to hear their words.  The doctor in charge pulls his chair up next to me and begins, "I am sorry to give you this news, but the results are in and I am afraid their is nothing we can do."

The room starts spinning as I try to focus on what he is saying, "... terminal and it seems there is no hope... try some new treatments but ... no guarantees ..."

My sobs escape from somewhere deep inside my body. I am no longer able to contain my emotions or the contents of my stomach.  The hopelessness feels like it is suffocating me and I struggle for each breath.  Someone is asking if I am ok, if there is anything they can do, but I have no answers.

This is a dark, dark place.  This place of no hope.  And this is where I am, foster parenting and terminal illness. 

I honestly do not know how we will be able to walk this road, how we will do what we are required to do, but I do know that God is still God, He is still good, and He is still on the throne.  I guess this is where faith comes in, trusting God even when I cannot see past the hopelessness.  I blogged about Hope and its opposite, Anxiety a few years ago and as I was rereading those words, I was reminded of this verse in Hebrews:

Hebrews 10:35-36 “Therefore, do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward.  For you have need of endurance so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive what was promised.”

So as I sit hear in the dark, trying to find that confidence I have lost sight of, I will call on the endurance that comes from knowing I have done all that Christ has asked me to, and then I will TRY to rest in what He has promised.

So as I close, I ask you to please, please pray for us in these next few days and weeks as we cling to the promises these two songs remind us of...

I Will Praise You in This Storm, Casting Crowns  and

Bring the Rain, Mercy Me

Steps to PEACE

Boy oh boy has it been a rough summer, for the first time ever, I am actually glad to see summer end. You see, in April, I found out I was losing my job, in May I turned the big 40 (ugggh), in June we found out that the baby we have loved for almost a year was going to be leaving our home, Jeremiah had an emergency appendectomy and Jerry left for 2 weeks on a mission trip, in July the baby went home and Jerry became very sick with what we now know is Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. It was a rough summer!

In the midst of the sadness, disappointment, and chaos I must admit that I began to lose focus and there was no peace in our home. Then God began to get my attention. First I met with a friend who reminded me that fear is the opposite of faith, then I picked up a book by Joyce Meyers, The Battlefield of the Mind, and began to read realizing where I began to lose the battle of having peace despite my circumstances.

I am going to guess that I am not the only one who has faced hard times and I am probably not the only one who has allowed myself to lose sight of the peace that comes from Christ. So today I wanted to share with you some steps to finding peace.

First, We MUST keep your eye on the Savior rather than the situation. Matthew 19:26 tells us of a time when the disciples were baffled by some teaching Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” It is so easy to get bogged down with our circumstances and lose sight of the promises of Christ. For goodnes sake, we are standing knee deep in the circumstance and it demands our attention, but we have to make a conscious choice to keep our eyes on Christ.

Second, We need to pray and not panic. I don't know about you but I can tell you that when a crisis hits I often forget to just stop and pray but Matthew 7:7-11 tells us to “7 Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. 9 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" We need to go to God first, not to our friends, not to the box of chocolates or bowl of ice cream, not on a retail therapy trip, or whatever else it is that would distract us from going to Christ.

Third,we must have faith and not fear. I admit it is hard when we face unknowns but Hebrews 11:1 tells us that faith is, "confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." So that means choosing faith over fear even when we don't know what the tomorrow holds, because we know WHO holds the future. In fact Hebrews 11 goes on to say in verse 6 that "without faith it is impossible to please God."

So my question to you today is, what is holding you back from having peace? Remember satan is a thief who comes to steal, kill, and destroy but Jesus came so that we may have life, not just a barely surviving life but an abundant life, to the full. (John 10:10)

Planning to walk in faith?!

I will admit it, I am a planner.  When we go on vacation I want to map out exactly what route we are going to take, which town we will stop in for food, where exactly we will stop for the night. In fact, if I could set the course with the exact times we would be stopping (give or take a few minutes) I would be blissfully happy.
Now my husband, on the other hand, is a bit more free spirited.  He likes to drive until we get hungry, or tired, or whatever and then we will stop and see what we can figure out for food, lodging, etc.   A few times this has caused some vacation stress....and once I even chucked the atlas out the window, but for the most part we have resolved this difference in personalities.  Besides, some other family may have come across that perfectly good atlas on the side of the road and been blessed, you never know!  (Does that fall under Joseph's "What you intended for evil, the Lord has used for good? Gen 50:20) 

That being said, you can probably imagine how uneasy I get when I don't have a plan, or when things aren't going according to MY plan.  I am faced with this dilemma quite often, but just recently it smacked me upside the head.  A few weeks ago, my boss came to me to let me know that there are going to be cuts made in our program, and by cuts he meant my job!  Well that was definitely not my plan. Because I am a teacher, I will finish this school year but the likelihood of me having a job next year is very slim.  Needless to say, this freaks me out.  Since my conversation I have been doing some major soul seeking (and a little job seeking too!). 
Today, as I did my devotion, I was reminded of the story of Abraham.  Well actually, Abram, because the story takes place before God changed his name.  Back in Genesis chapter 12, the Lord commands Abram to leave his country, his people, and his father's household and go.....

Trouble is, God didn't say where.  He didn't say to pull out his atlas, or look alongside the road to see if anyone has recently left a perfectly good atlas.  He didn't tell him where they would stop for the night, where they would eat, or even where they were headed.  He just told him to go. He asked Abram, to leave everything familiar and comfortable and to step out in FAITH to what God's plan for him was.  Now if we fast forward to the New Testament, Hebrews chapter 11 verse 8, we can see that Abraham is remembered for his faith, "by faith Abraham...obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going."
Good thing I wasn't married to Abraham!  We can also see that God poured out blessing upon blessing on Abraham as a result of his obedience.  In fact Abraham becomes the father of the nation of Israel, God's chosen people.  That is what faith can do!

So as the next year holds a lot of uncertainty for me, I need to take a lesson from Abraham and the only plan I should make is to walk in faith....

How about you?  How is God stretching your faith lately?  What has He called you to do that is outside your comfort zone?