Content in ALL Circumstances

My sweet baby D's birthday was this past week.  It was an incredibly difficult day for all of us here as we didn't get to celebrate it with him.  There was no cake and ice cream for breakfast.  No balloons, no streamers, no pictures.

It has been 77 days since we have seen his sweet face.  Most days it still seems as if we will never get out of this dark valley we are walking through.  Every once in awhile I see a little glimmer of light on the horizon but it quickly fades as reality once again sets in.  This is a hard place to be.

It would be an easy jump to leap into a giant pity party. Or to grow angry.  Angry with the foster care system, angry with the judge, angry with dishonest caseworkers, angry with God.  It is something I must choose to fight against, sometimes minute by minute.  In fact the new catch phrase at the Graham house has become, "Focus on your blessings rather than your burdens," as we work to encourage each other through this new normal. 

As I was thinking about all of this yesterday, it made me remember a conversation I had recently with my 7 year old.  It was Easter time and we attended the community Easter egg hunt.  As we arrived, children were divided according to their age group and given a specific area to hunt.  Within each area were 3 prize eggs: 1 golden egg, 1 egg marked with an "X" for a boy and one egg marked with an "X" for a girl.  As we set off on our hunt, my girl was quite lucky.  Among her treasures, were both the "X" egg and the golden egg.  As we headed to turn in our treasures I decided this would be a great teachable moment.  I pulled Skyler aside and asked her to think about others in her age group.  There were a lot of other kids and I wanted her to share one of her prize eggs.  We talked about how it would be kind to give one of the two eggs to someone else so they could have a special prize too.  I told her that it wasn't really fair for her to have 2 prizes when others had none and asked her to give the girl egg to someone else because the golden egg was probably the grand prize.  With much encouragement, Skyler kept the golden egg and gave the "X" egg to another girl in her age group.

As it turns out, the big prize was for the egg with the "X."  The little girl Skyler gave this to received a huge Easter egg basket filled with toys and candy. When Skyler turned in her golden egg she got a chocolate bunny.  To say she was mad is an understatement.  All the way home she complained and grumped about not getting the big prize because I made her give it away.  I listened to her whine for a bit but after about 10 minutes, I had had enough.  I sat her down and talked with her about the situation.  I reminded her that when she went up to the egg hunt, she went with nothing but an empty basket and now she was coming home with not only a bunch of eggs, but also a chocolate bunny.  I tried to help her see that she came home with more than she went with.  I would love to say that my pep talk worked and she skipped off merrily into the sunset counting her eggs (and blessings), but not all endings are storybook endings.  I am pretty sure that if you ask Skyler about it now, a month later, she will still be mad.  She may never forgive me for this moment! 

At least not until she is older and wiser like me.  I mean I would never react like that. 

Or would I?  Maybe a better question is, am I?  If I am honest, and I always try to be, I would have to shamefully admit that I am behaving the same way.  I wanted the grand prize...I wanted the boys to stay here with us. If they are here I know they are safe, well cared for, and loved.  I don't want to be satisfied with the chocolate bunny of the 2 and 3 years we had them here.  I want the whole basket.  I have come home from the party sulky and mad.  I did not get what I wanted, and it is not fair. 

I can imagine Jesus pulling me to the side and reminding me..."Marla, you came to the party with nothing, and you went home with a full basket."  I wonder if He is as weary of my whining as I was of Skyler's?  My home is still overflowing with blessings.  I have a husband who serves the Lord with all he has and who loves me.  I have a houseful of children and we have been celebrating things like marriage and graduation these last few years.  My children are all walking with the Lord, I have a nice home and a warm bed. The list could go on and on.  But still I whine. 

I imagine the Apostle Paul may have had a similar struggle before coming to the place where he was able to pen these words: (red words mine!)

Philippians 4:11-13 (NIV)
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned [am learning] to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned [am learning] the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

 Thank you for your prayers and encouragement as we walk this road and I hope you will be encouraged to learn with us to be content in ALL things.

Blessings,

Marla

Broken

There are no words to express how I am feeling.  In less than 48 hours we will be saying, "Goodbye" to our 3 year old and our 21 month old forever and a part of my heart is dying.  There are so many things I need to do in this short time:pack their things (how do you pack 3 years of a life into a box?), pour all the love I can into them, make memories that may or may not last a lifetime, and break the news to them.

I feel like a bomb has been set up, the timer is ticking.  It is ticking off the seconds and my head and heart register every click.  Destruction is inevitable.  People are going to get hurt.  I want to call in the bomb squad, but there is NO ONE to call. NO ONE can stop this.  Believe me we've tried.  We've talked to more caseworkers than I care to remember, DCFS, lawyers, prayer warriors, the inspector general...no one seems able to disarm this constantly ticking, life threatening device.

Tick-Tick-Tick

Of course we know that God can-But for some reason outside of my understanding, He is not.  It is not because we haven't asked.  Trust me, we have been camped at the foot of His throne for weeks...years even.  "His ways are not our ways..." believe me I can see that clearly. (Isaiah 55:8) And, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still," is echoing in my head and heart.  Right next to the constant ticking of this bomb.

Tick-Tick-Tick

I do not know how to "be still."  There is too much pain in being still- pain I have been running from for far too long to allow it to catch up with me now.

Tick-Tick-Tick

Is this how Joseph felt as his brothers sold him off into slavery? Or Moses as he shipped off to the palace?  Moses was 3 when he left his family to go live in the palace.  He had to say goodbye to the people who loved and nurtured him every day for 3 years.  And yet...he remembered the teachings he had learned from his mom.  (Have I done a good enough job instilling God's word into these boys?  Will they remember that God loves them?  Will they remember that we love them?)  So many questions.  Will these boys know that God has a plan for them?

How can this be part of God's plan?  Tick-Tick-Tick

What about my other kids?  Will they stop believing in fighting for what is right? Will they think it is too hard, too painful?  Will their broken hearts mend?

Tick-Tick-Tick

How do I help them? How do I teach them that regardless of the outcome, we always do what is right?  How do I walk them through this pain when I am drowning in it myself?

Tick-Tick-Tick

What do I say to a 7 year old who has emotional and physical scars from this "mom" her siblings are going to be living with?  What do I say to her questions, "Who is going to check them and make sure no one is hurting them?  Who will keep them safe?"  And these questions  were just for overnight visits.  What will I say to her when she finds out this will be forever?

Tick-Tick-Tick

How do we even do this new forever?
I search God's word for comfort, and as always, it is there.  Verses like Ps 21:13-14, "I would have despaired had I not known that I would see the hand of the Lord in the land of the living, wait for the Lord, take heart and wait for the Lord."  or Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."  The list goes on and on but for some reason I cannot hold on to the peace these verses bring.  It is fleeting.

Tick-Tick-Tick

Music, music has always been a balm to my wary, hurting heart.  Hymns like Reach Out to Jesus and Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus or more contemporary songs like  Perfect Peace by Laura's Story. However, I can find no lasting peace here either.  Everything keeps slipping through my fingers, just as these boys are slipping away from our home.

Tick-Tick-Tick

I've been in hard places before- this is not new to me.  God has proven Himself faithful so many times that I should have no doubts now.  So why can't I rest in that?  Am I flawed somehow?  Is my faith not genuine?  Can I live with unanswered questions from God? Can, "Because I said so," be enough of an answer for me? The bomb keeps ticking and with it my peace is fleeting.

Tick-Tick-Tick

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are stayed on You." (Isaiah 26:3)  Maybe this is the problem. I cannot keep my mind and heart stayed on Him.  The ticking is too loud, the heartache too real.

Tick-Tick-Tick

And yet...
Somewhere in the back of my mind, somewhere in the depths of my breaking heart, I know God has not forsaken us.  I may feel like Lazarus being wrapped in burial cloth- or like his sisters as they watched these events unfold- but I still believe in God.  I still believe in a God who can resurrect life, even after all earthly hope is gone.  Though the light of hope is extremely dim, and the ticking of the bomb is extremely loud, STILL I will trust Him.

Indeed His ways are not my ways, but I choose, despite the struggle against my humanity, to walk by faith and not by sight.

Tick-I STILL BELIEVE-Tick-I STILL BELIEVE-Tick-I STILL BELIEVE

Humble and broken~Marla

Legalized Kidnapping

Maybe this is a bit extreme but I feel like I have ring side seats for a horror film entitled, Legal Kidnapping.   As I sit here watching the plot unfold in this latest chapter of our lives I can only watch feeling incredibly helpless.  The film is rolling and no matter how loud I scream, it just keeps moving forward. 

I do agree that at first glance it may seem that I am overstating things.  When we think of someone being kidnapped, there is usually the idea of a ransom of sorts, masks, and snatch and grabs.  Just to make sure I wasn't crazy, I looked up the definition of the word and according to FindLaw.com the legal definition, "Under federal and state law, kidnapping is commonly defined as the taking of a person from one place to another against his or her will...."

Well, I assure you that if that is the definition then this situation applies. Week after week, I have to prepare two sweet babies to go on an extended visit.  They both scream and my heart shatters again.  The 3 year old, begs...BEGS me not to make him go.  There is weeping and more heart breaking.  It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

My husband and I fight them to get their coats and shoes on, all the while they continue to ask not to go.  "Why can't I stay here with you Mommy?"  I have no answers.  For 3 years this has been his home, we have been his parents.  Our 20 month old expresses the same struggles...no one understands.

Week after week this continues.  We share the struggle with our caseworker, with our CASA, with any one who will listen.

"This is hard for everyone."

"Transitions are hard."

"No one is interested in _(insert child's name here)_ opinion, Mrs. Graham."

These are the answers we are given.

It is mind boggling.  It is gut wrenching. It is not fair.  But, there is NOTHING we can do except watch the same film play out week after week after week.

And that is just when we are dealing with the two transitioning.  We drop them off and come home to a house turned upside down.  The other two siblings are frightened, they remember what this place, these people did to them.  They worry and fret.  Nightmares govern the sleeping hours at our home.

The older kids each wrestle with this news in various ways.  Sadness, anger, fear...these are what replay on their movie screens.

All of us question.  We question a system that is suppose to help kids but is inflicting this much pain.  We question caseworkers, judges, lawyers... all of humanity.  And hardest of all, we question God.

Where are You in all of this?  Do you see this down here?  I know You could stop this so WHY WHY WHY aren't You?

As with most of life, there are more questions than answers.  We try to focus on God's promises:

"The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

"For I know the plans I have for you (all of you), plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future." 
 Jeremiah 29:11

"Those who hope (or wait)in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31


Oh but we are weary...very, very weary.  We continue to seek God's face and we remind ourselves in this darkness that God is still on the throne.  We remember that Hebrews 11 says FAITH is the evidence of things unseen, and we continue on through this role we have been cast in.


I know that we are not the only ones walking a hard road, and that is why I share this post.  I think there is strength in numbers, in knowing that we are not alone.  Maybe your horror movie is different than ours.  Maybe you are going through an unwanted divorce.  Maybe someone that means everything to you is fighting a terminal illness.  Maybe you are losing your job, your way of life.  The heartaches are all different, but the questions are the same:


Where are You in all of this?  Do you see this down here?  I know You could stop this so WHY WHY WHY aren't You?


The answers are the same also.  God is still on the throne and He does have a plan, He is fighting for us, and He will renew our strength!  I am here waiting too, and if you need, I will sit next to you.  We can put our movies on one of those fancy double screens and pray for each other as the events roll out before us.

Email me, call me, message me...I will pray!

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.  Ecclesiastes 4:12



If you are interested in helping us pay for legal counsel, please check out our story at Go Fund Me.  We appreciate your prayers!
  

Living Sacrifice

Well the day has arrived, actually the week has arrived.  Today we have court for what we had hoped would be to be able to intervene and begin moving toward adoption on all 4 of our blessings.  Then on Wednesday, we will begin the proceedings for 2 of them toward termination.  However, with great frustration we were told that our petition to intervene and for full custody has been continued...oh how I hate that word, "continued."

Instead, there has been a petition entered to remove all three boys from our home and now, that is what court is in regards to today.  I have been anxious for days about this.  I have whined to the Lord that this battle has been raging for 6 long years.  I reminded him that I am tired and that enough is enough.  I pointed to their sweet faces and pointed out that they needed permanency and we all had hoped to be able to enjoy our summer without all this drama.  I kicked, I screamed...and God did what any good parent would do.  He reminded me in His gentle way that He was in charge and not me.

He has been speaking to me through verses and various words of encouragement from friends, but then in church yesterday He was finally able to shake me from my tantrum.  It happened during praise and worship.  We were singing Matt Redman's song, "Lay Me Down."  Some of the lyrics read,

I lay me down I'm not on my own
I belong to You alone
Lay me down, lay me down
Hand on my heart, this much is true
There's no life apart from You
Lay me down, lay me down
Lay me down, lay me down

Letting go of my pride
Giving up all my rights
Take this life and let it shine
Take this life and let it shine

It will be my joy to say
Your will, Your way
It will be my joy to say
Your will, Your way
It will be my joy to say
Your will, Your way
Always

As I was singing the lyrics I began to wrestle with whether or not it was my joy to say, "Your will, Your way."  I realized what I truly had been saying is, "My will, my way."  It reminded me of the Scripture from Romans 12:1-2, "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

Years ago, I was in a Bible study where we were discussing this very passage and an older gentleman remarked, "The problem with a living sacrifice is that it keeps crawling off the altar."   Certainly that seems to be the case for me here.  Six years ago when we began this journey, I committed our path to the Lord.  I promised to love each of these babies and told God we would walk this path with Him, wherever it lead. I committed to being a living sacrifice.  

Did I know then how hard this would be?  No.  

Did I know then how long the battle would rage on?  No.

Does it matter?  No

Is God good?  Yes!

Does He love me?  Yes!

Does He love these babies?  Yes!

So this morning, as we prepare for court, I am going to (try to) get back up on that altar and be the living sacrifice I committed to being long ago.  Here's hoping I don't crawl back off the altar!

Prayers?  Questions?  Please feel free to contact me!   

Hissy Fit

If I had my way right now I would throw the biggest hissy fit ever witnessed by mankind.  Oh come on, you know what I am talking about.  A full fledged, throw yourself on the floor, kick, scream, cry and holler kind of tantrum.  The kind that makes the neighbors stare and place their house on the market!

Most of you know that I have had the privilege to be a part of a new radio program entitled, Growing StrongerTogether and just this past week our program on waiting aired.  (No, this is not why I want to throw a hissy fit). On this week's program I shared that we were headed to the long awaited trial for termination on two of the children who have blessed our home through foster care.   I joyfully shared that we would be heading into the courtroom on August 21, after waiting 5 and a half years for this day to come.  I encouraged our listeners to see what God has to teach you while you wait for Him to move in situations while you wait.  It was, and is all sound advice.

However, (and yes this is where the hissy fit comes in) once again, God had a different plan.  Oh, I had clearly explained to God what I felt was best here, and submitted my plan in triplicate to Him for approval. And, I was certain it was the perfect plan...but then ONCE AGAIN, court was postponed.

I am sure you can imagine our disappointment.  We have been waiting so long.  We want, no we NEED closure.  I am so ready to be done with the ins and outs of the foster care system.  I am weary from the ups and downs of the everyday as things constantly shift and change.  And I am just mad!  Termination was initially set for December 2012, yet here we are almost a full year later and we are waiting again.

This time the delay is because the judge is retiring.  So now we wait.  It is a process, first they have to find a new judge.  Next they will swear him/her in.  Then the new judge will have to spend time reading through the case file (literally boxes of pages).  Once all of those things happen we can move forward.  What that means is that there is no end in sight.  As of right now, there is no new date set. Again we wait.

I wanted to throw a big hissy fit, like the one I described earlier, but the truth is that it would be of no benefit, and it would scare the children!  So instead I went to the archive of our radio program and I listened to the program on waiting again.  It is humbling to have to listen to your own advice!  

So instead of whining, I am going to:

1.  Get some rest, often times a stressful situation or waiting period seems worse only because we are tired.

2.  Pray about it!  Life is hard, we get discouraged but we need to remember that nothing is impossible with Christ. (Luke 1:37)

3.  Get some friends to hold my arms up.

Exodus 17:10-13 So Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset. So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword.

4.  Examine the situation. 
                  Is it really all that bad? Am I where God wants me to be?

5.  Remain hopeful

 

I am reminded of the words from a sermon I heard recently, "Often it is not the battle, but the length of the battle." 

Isaiah 57:10  You were tired out by the length of your road, Yet you did not say, ‘It is hopeless.’ You found renewed strength, Therefore you did not faint.

·         Often we grow tired, waiting for the end but we cannot lose hope! This is where faith comes in, we have to trust that we are where God intends us to be.

I imagine Joseph grew tired as he waited in that cistern, and then in jail, and even as he prepared for Egypts drought…but he was able to say, “What you have meant for evil, the Lord has used for good.”

(Genesis 45)

6.  Don't hurry God

The answer to waiting lies in the following verses: 

Matthew 16: 28-30 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Rather than throwing a hissy fit, I think I am going to go spend some time with my Abba Father. Will you join me? 

Jesus at the Center?

This Sunday we ended our musical praise time with the song, "Jesus at the Center of it All," by Israel Houghton and it began to stir up some questions from deep within me.  Then, as if God Himself was trying to shake me awake, the pastor (whom I am madly in love with :) preached on staying focused on Christ.  If I didn't know any better, I would think God was trying to get my attention!

Take a peek at some of the lyrics:
                  Jesus at the center of it all, from beginning to the end
                  It will always be, it's always been about You Jesus, Jesus
                  Nothing else matters, nothing in this world will do
                  Jesus You're the center, and everything else revolves
                  around You

The questions that was stirred up?  How is this done?  Am I really living this out?  In the day in and day out of life, could people look at my life and say, "Wow, Jesus is definitely at the center of that girl's life."  I want to say, "Yes!"  but remember that I am trying to keep it real this year with my blogs, so if I had to answer the question I would have to admit that often I let other things crowd Jesus out of the center of my life.

Many of you know that my husband (and pastor in case you didn't know that and are worried about me being madly in love with him!) and I have been engaged in an incredible battle for the lives of three, and soon to be four, precious lives.  This battle started 5 years ago when DCFS removed my niece from my brother's home and she was placed with us.  Since that hot July day, 2 more babies have been born into that situation and also placed in our care, and the news is that soon a fourth baby will be added to our midst.

The battle has been long, and wearying.  It has taken great strength and tenacity to continue in the often daily struggles against a broken system.  Hours have been spent with court hearings, visitations, case reviews, home visits, home inspections, fulfilling licensing requirements, documentation, the list goes on and on, not to mention the time it takes to actually care for these precious babies.  Our days are long and as my Facebook status read this morning, "Some mornings I think they do not make a bottle of Calgon big enough, or a cup of coffee big enough!"   I posted that after spending my morning trying to get both boys ready for a visit with their birth mom, baking two cakes for my youngest son/nephews birthday tomorrow, and getting supper in the crock pot so it would be ready to eat before the basketball game my older kids were going to.  All the while, both boys wanted to be held and cried every time I sat one of them down.  Jesus at the center of that?  How is that even possible?

Seriously, how am I suppose to keep Jesus at the center of it all when I can't even hear myself think.  I sang, "Nothing else matters..." but the truth of the situation was that it very much mattered that my boys were crying, that time was slipping away, and I still had much to accomplish.  Likewise, in the midst of a very stressful court battle and the daily demands for my time...how am I suppose to stay centered on Jesus?  Can you relate?  (Oh please, someone out there say, "Yes!")

This is the part of my blog where I usually offer some sort of witty insight, an answer to the dilemma that I have posed, but the trouble is, I don't have one!  Sure I have some verses:

Matthew 6:33, "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto     you."

Colossians 3:2, "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things."

Proverbs 4:25, "Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you."

These are all great verse, commands about how we should approach the problem.  However, I am still not clear on how I am to go about this, the application is a bit foggy.  Do I want Jesus to be at the center of it all?  Yes, of course I do.  Is He at the center of it all?  Yes of course He is.  Do I always feel like He is at the center of it all?  No, sadly no I do not.  Is it because He has walked away?  Well Joshua 1:5 gives us that answer, "No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life.  As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you."  So the problem must be with me.  The truth is that I have let the troubles of the world, the busyness of life, the cares and concerns I am facing, push Jesus, inch by inch, out of the center of my life.  Great now I know the problem, they say that is half the battle...

Perhaps the answer is simple.  Maybe I need to give myself some grace?  I am not saying that I don't need to make some changes...maybe spend less time on Facebook, and more time in His book, but I also need to be realistic.  Raising 7 kids is crazy, hard work.  It takes a lot of time and energy.  God knows that and understands that.  Besides 2 Corinthians 12:10 reminds me to... "delight in weaknesses...For when I am weak, then He is strong."

As always, I would love to hear your thoughts!

My Moses Babies

At different points in my life, I have been able to relate to different people in the Bible.  There are times I can relate to Jeremiah, the weeping prophet, as he mourns over his fellow countrymen turning their backs on God.  Other times when I can relate to David, crying out for protection from his enemies.  And still other times when I can cry out like Paul "What a wretched man I am!" (Romans 7:24).  But never, have I related more to a person from the Bible than I do with Jochebed, Moses' mother.  Jochebed lived during a time when the Israelites were under the rule of a cruel Egyptian pharaoh.  The Pharaoh was concerned about the strength and number of Israelites and so after trying  some other scheme, he orders that every Hebrew baby boy that is born must be thrown into the Nile River, and that is where Jochebed comes in.  Let's peek in at the story from Exodus chapter 2:1-4

"Now a man of the tribe of Levi married a Levite woman,(Jochebed) and she became pregnant and gave birth to a son.  When she saw that he was a fine child, she hid him for three months. But when she could hide him no longer, she got a papyrus basket for him and coated it with tar and pitch.  Then she placed the child in it and put it among the reeds along the bank of the Nile.  His sister (Miriam) stood at a distance to see what would happen to him." Italics mine 

This is the first part of the story, and what I see is a woman who loved her baby boy and valued life.  She took great risks to protect him.  She hid a baby for 3 months, not an easy task if you consider all the crying a newborn baby does, and then when she could hide him in her home no longer, she made a basket and placed him in the Nile River, in a sense obeying the decree of the Pharaoh, yet with her own added protection.  The struggle that must have been taking place within her, a mother's heart to protect at all costs and yet knowing the only thing she could do was let go and trust that God had it under control.  Let's look at the rest of the story, picking it up in verses 5-8

"Then Pharaoh’s daughter went down to the Nile to bathe, and her  attendants were walking along the riverbank. She saw the basket among the reeds and sent her female slave to get it. ⁶ She opened it and saw the baby. He was crying, and she felt sorry for him. “This is one of the Hebrew babies,” she said. ⁷ Then his sister asked Pharaoh’s daughter, “Shall I go and get one of the Hebrew women to nurse the baby for you?” ⁸ “Yes, go,” she answered. So the girl went and got the baby’s mother. ⁹ Pharaoh’s daughter said to her, “Take this baby and nurse him for me, and I will pay you.”  So the woman took the baby and nursed him. ¹⁰ When the child grew older, she took him to Pharaoh’s daughter and he became her son. She named him Moses, saying, “I drew him out of the water.”

Ultimately, Jochebed's prayers were answered, Moses' life was spared and she even got to love on him, nurse him and just as an added bonus, she got paid to do it!  Now isn't that just like God to see Jochebed's heart and sprinkle in his favor.  Of course, as each day passed, Jochebed knew that their time together was more and more limited.  She knew that eventually she would have to surrender her baby again when it was time for him to go live with Pharaoh's daughter.  What she didn't know at that point, is that God was going to use Moses to deliver the Israelites from bondage.  He was putting the pieces together even as Jochebed rocked her sweet baby boy and with tears streaming down her cheeks, she sang him lullabies.  She just didn't know it.  No one did, except of course, God.

In the last four and a half years, I have come to understand Jochebed's plight at a deep level.  God has delievered 3 Moses babies to our home.  Many of you know that I have the privilege of raising my niece and 2 nephews, and in some ways their journey is much like Moses, and my heart feels much like Jochebed's.  You see, legally, these babies aren't mine, I have been chosen to care for them, to love on them and in every sense, to be their momma.  But...legally, well legally, that is a different story.  In fact, the birth parents still, after almost 5 years, have more rights than I do to these babies.  And each day that goes by, may be a day closer to them being part of our forever family, or may be a day closer to them returning to the birth family.  I want to hold tightly to them, to hide them away in hopes of not being discovered, but the truth is, I cannot.  So, like Jochebed, I am forced to make a basket, to line it with tar, and to place them in it, hoping they will be rescued and returned to me, but unaware of the long term plan.  Only God knows that.

It was only a year ago, when I literally had to release one of these babies.  My, then 11 month old nephew was ordered to "return home."  It was with great weeping and a deep sorrow, sorrow unlike any I had known before, that I packed up his belongings and placed him into that basket in the Nile.  I was terrified, "The crocodiles may consume him," I argued with God.  I begged God to intervene, I believed God was going to step in before I had to let him go, but the day came and I was forced, against everything in me, to put this sweet baby in the care of people I knew would not love or protect him, and walk away.  Actually, more accurately, to be drug away.  I wonder if Jochebed had to be drug away as she turned Moses over?

God provided a Miriam though, for this sweet baby boy.  You see, the court for my niece, had not agreed that she should be returned "home" so instead she began unsupervised visits and then would return here to our care.  While she was on a visit, she could watch out for her brother and report back to us on how he was doing.  Then, one night she returned home with the saddest of all tales, not for her brother but for her.  As I was bathing her and getting her ready for bed, I saw that she had been injured.  I cannot go into detail about the injury except to say that it was significant. The realm of emotions I felt in that moment are indescribable.  As I tenderly washed her and questioned her, I could see that this wound went straight to her sweet, little heart.  She was frightened at what she had experienced, and afraid for her brother who had remained in the Nile, while she had gotten to come home.  Even now as I write this, fresh tears spring to my eyes, and fresh questions.  I do not understand why she had to go through this, and why God didn't work this out in a different way.  I wonder if Miriam was afraid as she sat and watched over Moses?  Was she full of fear as she approached the Pharaoh's daughter?

44 days after placing our baby boy in the Nile, he came home.  He was removed from the birth home and welcomed back into our house.  It was with great celebration, as you can imagine, but also with heartache at knowing what his sister had had to endure, and not knowing what all he had endured.  And now, a year later, and a new baby added to the mix, we are still uncertain of if or when someone will tell us we have to send any of these three babies home.  It is still very much a reality, one that often robs me of sleep.  Oh I understand the heart of Jochebed!  How many nights did she walk the floor, checking and double checking on her baby, uncertain of their future together.  How many tears did she shed at the uncertainty of all that lie ahead of them.  And I wonder if she again had tears streaming down her cheeks as she sang him lullabies?

This side of heaven, we will not know exactly what Jochebed was feeling, but we do know that she must have spent her days filling Moses' head with the knowledge of God, of who He was and what He could do.  We know this because as Moses  grew, He walked with God.  When God appeared to him in the burning bush, he knew it was the great "I AM."    So I am taking notes from Jochebed, really none of us know what tomorrow holds, we only have the promise of this moment right now.  Let's use the time we have wisely, let's train up our babies to know and love the Lord.  Let's hold each moment precious, and try not to waste this moment being anxious about what the next moment may bring.  Oh trust me, I know that is easier said than done, but really it is all we can do because though we don't know the long term plan, God does. And I trust that He loves me, that He loves these babies even more than I do, and that He's "got this." So sing those lullabies, even if tears are streaming down your face as you do! 

Would love to hear your thoughts!