Showing posts with label broken. Show all posts
Showing posts with label broken. Show all posts

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Lazarus Moments

    
     Faith is such a complicated thing isn't it?  According to Hebrews 11, faith is believing what we cannot see.  There have been times in my life when  faith has come fairly easy for me, and other times when I have had to continually read and reread God's promises to hang on to even a shred of faith.  This is not because I did not believe God is who He says He is, but rather because I had played out circumstances in my head, knowing for certain that God was going to act and then struggled when things did not play out exactly as I had planned. Can you relate?  Have you ever been in a situation and been totally and completely baffled when the circumstances played out quite differently? Well, if so my friend then we are not alone.  We can look back in the Bible and see that we are in good company.  Take the events of Lazarus and his sisters Mary and Martha for example.  The Bible tells us that Jesus loved Lazarus and so when he got sick, his sisters sent word to Jesus to let him know.  Let's pick up the story at the beginning of John chapter 11:

"Now a man named Lazarus was sick. He was from Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. 2 (This Mary, whose brother Lazarus now lay sick, was the same one who poured perfume on the Lord and wiped his feet with her hair.) 3 So the sisters sent word to Jesus, “Lord, the one you love is sick.”
4 When he heard this, Jesus said, “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.” 5 Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. 6 So when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days, 7 and then he said to his disciples, “Let us go back to Judea,8 “But Rabbi,” they said, “a short while ago the Jews there tried to stone you, and yet you are going back?”
     So basically at this point the sisters are wondering where Jesus is because they need him and he isn't showing up, and the disciples are wondering why on earth Jesus would want to go back to a place where he was and is very unwelcomed.  It seems that no one quite understood what was happening, and that things weren't going the way everyone else (besides Jesus) thought they should.  Take special note of verse 4 though where Jesus promises that this sickness will not end in death. Let's pick the story back up in verse 9:
 
"9 Jesus answered, “Are there not twelve hours of daylight? Anyone who walks in the daytime will not stumble, for they see by this world’s light. 10 It is when a person walks at night that they stumble, for they have no light.”
11 After he had said this, he went on to tell them, “Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I am going there to wake him up.”
12 His disciples replied, “Lord, if he sleeps, he will get better.” 13 Jesus had been speaking of his death, but his disciples thought he meant natural sleep.
14 So then he told them plainly, “Lazarus is dead, 15 and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.”
16 Then Thomas (also known as Didymus[a]) said to the rest of the disciples, “Let us also go, that we may die with him.”
I love this little extra lesson about 12 hours of daylight.  I am sure the disciples were wondering what on earth this tid bit of fact had to do with anything, but Jesus goes on to tell them that if you walk in the light you won't have trouble seeing.  It is my guess that what he is really saying is, "Hey I am the light, if you walk in me then you won't fall."  At this point we also realize that Jesus already knows that Lazarus has died, but the disciples are still confused as to what is going to happen. I would be to since Jesus just said this story was not going to end in death. I love that Thomas tells the rest of the disciples, "Hey let's go so we can at least die with him."  This is the same Thomas that later insists on sticking his hands into Jesus' side before he will believe that Jesus has been resurrected.  It makes me giggle a little when I read this, but I can relate to times when I have walked in obedience to Christ all the while thinking, "Well this isn't going to turn out well but I guess I'll go since you said I have to."  And so the disciples and Jesus set out for Bethany.  

"17 On his arrival, Jesus found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb for four days. 18 Now Bethany was less than two miles[b] from Jerusalem, 19 and many Jews had come to Martha and Mary to comfort them in the loss of their brother. 20 When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed at home.
21 “Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died. 22 But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.”
     I am so Martha here, "Jesus if you had been here (like I asked) then this would not have happened!"  I can hear the frustration and disappointment in her voice as she is broken by the circumstances she knows Jesus could have prevented.  She is wrestling with her faith, she had written the story a different way and now she is struggling to understand.  My heart has cried out this same cry, "God, where were you?"  Yet, she knows that Jesus is who He says He is and she offers up this last shred of faith, "But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask." 

"23 Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.”
24 Martha answered, “I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day.”
25 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; 26 and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
27 “Yes, Lord,” she replied, “I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, who is to come into the world.”
28 After she had said this, she went back and called her sister Mary aside. “The Teacher is here,” she said, “and is asking for you.” 29 When Mary heard this, she got up quickly and went to him."
     Jesus promise Martha that He has the situation under control, but she still does not understand.  This is not what she had imagined.  Jesus asks her, " Martha, don't you trust me?" Well those weren't his exact words but that is the gist of his question.  Martha affirms her faith and then remembers her sister and goes to get her.  
"30 Now Jesus had not yet entered the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met him. 31 When the Jews who had been with Mary in the house, comforting her, noticed how quickly she got up and went out, they followed her, supposing she was going to the tomb to mourn there."
     More misunderstanding.
   
"32 When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”
33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34 “Where have you laid him?” he asked.
“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.
35 Jesus wept.
36 Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”
37 But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?”
     Mary echos her sister's feelings here, "Jesus where were you?  You could have stopped this from happening." This part of the story always shakes me. Jesus knew what was about to happen. He knew that hope was going to be restored. He knew that in moments Lazarus was going to walk out of that tomb alive and well.  Yet, Mary's brokenness "deeply moved" Him.   Seeing Lazarus's sister so hurt by the circumstances (even though they were a part of a bigger plan) brought Jesus, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, to tears.  Man, that is just incredible and humbling.  How many times has Jesus wept for me in the midst of my lack of understanding of the bigger picture, in the times where I have wrestled with the question, "Where were You, God?  If You had been here this wouldn't have happened?"  All the while my heart was breaking Jesus saw my agony and responded with tears of His own as He quietly whispered,  “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die;  and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
  
  There are no words except to echo Martha, “I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, who is to come into the world.”

All of those watching shake their heads in awe and say, "See how He loves her."  And here we remember that if we walk in the Light we will not stumble, and others will see our faith, though small and wavering, and know that He is who He says He is.  But the story isn't over yet:

"38 Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. 39 “Take away the stone,” he said.
“But, Lord,” said Martha, the sister of the dead man, “by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.”
40 Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?”
41 So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. 42 I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.”
43 When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” 44 The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.
Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.”

   Oh friend, our story isn't over yet either.  No matter how hopeless of a situation we find ourselves in, Jesus can bring just the tiniest sliver of hope to it and before you know it, the tomb will be wide open and what we thought was dead can be brought back to life and we can dance with joy as Jesus proclaims, "Take off the grave clothes and let him go." 

Friday, October 23, 2015

I'm No Quitter




Tomorrow marks the 300th day that the boys have been gone.

300 days of not getting to tuck them in.

300 days without hugging them.

300 days of no snuggling deep into the covers to read our favorite books and sing our silly Graham songs.

300 days of the tear stained faces of each of my kids.

300 broken days and not one of those days have passed without waves of sadness washing over our wounded hearts.

I have to be honest with you (I try to make that a habit :).  This has nearly taken everything from me.  I have never felt a sadness like the one that has wrapped its cold, icy fingers around my heart so tightly that, at times. even breathing has become a chore.  It has been a toe to toe, minute by minute battle these last 300 days.

There have been times I was not sure that I would make it even one more day, but now I find myself sitting here on the edge of 300 days.

300 days of this new normal.

300 days of surviving.

300 days of struggling to trust God.

300 days of fighting.

Fighting....fighting what?

For 8+ years we have fought a broken foster care and judicial system.  We have fought injustice, birth parents, and dishonesty. We have fought against judgmental people, unkind and unwanted advice, and even against our sinful natures.  Shamefully, we have even fought against God.  This has been a long, hard journey. 

Ultimately though, Ephesians 6:12 reminds us that we have actually been fighting against satan himself.  "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."    

I am battle weary. Two weeks ago I would still have told you that I wasn't sure that I could take one more step, one more minute, or one more day.  Satan was about to claim a victory over my shaken faith.  Then something changed.  I wish I could tell you it was my circumstances, but it wasn't that.  I am not really sure what trigger it.  Maybe it is the fighter in me?  More likely, it was God shaking me out of my broken hearted slumber and reminding me that He isn't quite finished with me.  I have been reminded that I am not done fighting.  I am lacing up my boxing gloves and I am ready to go a few more rounds with the "powers of this dark world."  

There is a new song that is popular in pop music.  It is sung by Rachel Platten and entitled, "Fight Song,"  I have decided I love it and have taken the liberty to rewrite the lyrics to tailor them to my battle cry. I am sure Ms. Platten won't mind!  

I wonder if any of you can relate?  Maybe life has thrown you a curve ball, or two and  you feel like you are sinking?   If so, and you need someone to cheer you on from the side lines, please don't hesitate to send me an email.  But first, print out my edited lyrics and click on the link above. Then look satan square in his enemy eyes and sing with me at the top of your lungs, "THIS IS MY FIGHT SONG..."


(My changes are in italics)


Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how God's word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion
And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
God's  power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (I'm in too deep)
And it's been 300 days
They miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
And I still believe
Yeah I still believe
And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

Saturday, March 7, 2015

Broken


There are no words to express how I am feeling.  In less than 48 hours we will be saying, "Goodbye" to our 3 year old and our 21 month old forever and a part of my heart is dying.  There are so many things I need to do in this short time:pack their things (how do you pack 3 years of a life into a box?), pour all the love I can into them, make memories that may or may not last a lifetime, and break the news to them.

I feel like a bomb has been set up, the timer is ticking.  It is ticking off the seconds and my head and heart register every click.  Destruction is inevitable.  People are going to get hurt.  I want to call in the bomb squad, but there is NO ONE to call. NO ONE can stop this.  Believe me we've tried.  We've talked to more caseworkers than I care to remember, DCFS, lawyers, prayer warriors, the inspector general...no one seems able to disarm this constantly ticking, life threatening device.

Tick-Tick-Tick

Of course we know that God can-But for some reason outside of my understanding, He is not.  It is not because we haven't asked.  Trust me, we have been camped at the foot of His throne for weeks...years even.  "His ways are not our ways..." believe me I can see that clearly. (Isaiah 55:8) And, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still," is echoing in my head and heart.  Right next to the constant ticking of this bomb.

Tick-Tick-Tick

I do not know how to "be still."  There is too much pain in being still- pain I have been running from for far too long to allow it to catch up with me now.

Tick-Tick-Tick

Is this how Joseph felt as his brothers sold him off into slavery? Or Moses as he shipped off to the palace?  Moses was 3 when he left his family to go live in the palace.  He had to say goodbye to the people who loved and nurtured him every day for 3 years.  And yet...he remembered the teachings he had learned from his mom.  (Have I done a good enough job instilling God's word into these boys?  Will they remember that God loves them?  Will they remember that we love them?)  So many questions.  Will these boys know that God has a plan for them?

How can this be part of God's plan?  Tick-Tick-Tick

What about my other kids?  Will they stop believing in fighting for what is right? Will they think it is too hard, too painful?  Will their broken hearts mend?

Tick-Tick-Tick

How do I help them? How do I teach them that regardless of the outcome, we always do what is right?  How do I walk them through this pain when I am drowning in it myself?

Tick-Tick-Tick

What do I say to a 7 year old who has emotional and physical scars from this "mom" her siblings are going to be living with?  What do I say to her questions, "Who is going to check them and make sure no one is hurting them?  Who will keep them safe?"  And these questions  were just for overnight visits.  What will I say to her when she finds out this will be forever?

Tick-Tick-Tick

How do we even do this new forever?
I search God's word for comfort, and as always, it is there.  Verses like Ps 21:13-14, "I would have despaired had I not known that I would see the hand of the Lord in the land of the living, wait for the Lord, take heart and wait for the Lord."  or Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."  The list goes on and on but for some reason I cannot hold on to the peace these verses bring.  It is fleeting.

Tick-Tick-Tick

Music, music has always been a balm to my wary, hurting heart.  Hymns like Reach Out to Jesus and Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus or more contemporary songs like  Perfect Peace by Laura's Story. However, I can find no lasting peace here either.  Everything keeps slipping through my fingers, just as these boys are slipping away from our home.

Tick-Tick-Tick

I've been in hard places before- this is not new to me.  God has proven Himself faithful so many times that I should have no doubts now.  So why can't I rest in that?  Am I flawed somehow?  Is my faith not genuine?  Can I live with unanswered questions from God? Can, "Because I said so," be enough of an answer for me? The bomb keeps ticking and with it my peace is fleeting.

Tick-Tick-Tick

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are stayed on You." (Isaiah 26:3)  Maybe this is the problem. I cannot keep my mind and heart stayed on Him.  The ticking is too loud, the heartache too real.

Tick-Tick-Tick

And yet...
Somewhere in the back of my mind, somewhere in the depths of my breaking heart, I know God has not forsaken us.  I may feel like Lazarus being wrapped in burial cloth- or like his sisters as they watched these events unfold- but I still believe in God.  I still believe in a God who can resurrect life, even after all earthly hope is gone.  Though the light of hope is extremely dim, and the ticking of the bomb is extremely loud, STILL I will trust Him.

Indeed His ways are not my ways, but I choose, despite the struggle against my humanity, to walk by faith and not by sight.

Tick-I STILL BELIEVE-Tick-I STILL BELIEVE-Tick-I STILL BELIEVE

Humble and broken~Marla