Broken

There are no words to express how I am feeling.  In less than 48 hours we will be saying, "Goodbye" to our 3 year old and our 21 month old forever and a part of my heart is dying.  There are so many things I need to do in this short time:pack their things (how do you pack 3 years of a life into a box?), pour all the love I can into them, make memories that may or may not last a lifetime, and break the news to them.

I feel like a bomb has been set up, the timer is ticking.  It is ticking off the seconds and my head and heart register every click.  Destruction is inevitable.  People are going to get hurt.  I want to call in the bomb squad, but there is NO ONE to call. NO ONE can stop this.  Believe me we've tried.  We've talked to more caseworkers than I care to remember, DCFS, lawyers, prayer warriors, the inspector general...no one seems able to disarm this constantly ticking, life threatening device.

Tick-Tick-Tick

Of course we know that God can-But for some reason outside of my understanding, He is not.  It is not because we haven't asked.  Trust me, we have been camped at the foot of His throne for weeks...years even.  "His ways are not our ways..." believe me I can see that clearly. (Isaiah 55:8) And, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still," is echoing in my head and heart.  Right next to the constant ticking of this bomb.

Tick-Tick-Tick

I do not know how to "be still."  There is too much pain in being still- pain I have been running from for far too long to allow it to catch up with me now.

Tick-Tick-Tick

Is this how Joseph felt as his brothers sold him off into slavery? Or Moses as he shipped off to the palace?  Moses was 3 when he left his family to go live in the palace.  He had to say goodbye to the people who loved and nurtured him every day for 3 years.  And yet...he remembered the teachings he had learned from his mom.  (Have I done a good enough job instilling God's word into these boys?  Will they remember that God loves them?  Will they remember that we love them?)  So many questions.  Will these boys know that God has a plan for them?

How can this be part of God's plan?  Tick-Tick-Tick

What about my other kids?  Will they stop believing in fighting for what is right? Will they think it is too hard, too painful?  Will their broken hearts mend?

Tick-Tick-Tick

How do I help them? How do I teach them that regardless of the outcome, we always do what is right?  How do I walk them through this pain when I am drowning in it myself?

Tick-Tick-Tick

What do I say to a 7 year old who has emotional and physical scars from this "mom" her siblings are going to be living with?  What do I say to her questions, "Who is going to check them and make sure no one is hurting them?  Who will keep them safe?"  And these questions  were just for overnight visits.  What will I say to her when she finds out this will be forever?

Tick-Tick-Tick

How do we even do this new forever?
I search God's word for comfort, and as always, it is there.  Verses like Ps 21:13-14, "I would have despaired had I not known that I would see the hand of the Lord in the land of the living, wait for the Lord, take heart and wait for the Lord."  or Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."  The list goes on and on but for some reason I cannot hold on to the peace these verses bring.  It is fleeting.

Tick-Tick-Tick

Music, music has always been a balm to my wary, hurting heart.  Hymns like Reach Out to Jesus and Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus or more contemporary songs like  Perfect Peace by Laura's Story. However, I can find no lasting peace here either.  Everything keeps slipping through my fingers, just as these boys are slipping away from our home.

Tick-Tick-Tick

I've been in hard places before- this is not new to me.  God has proven Himself faithful so many times that I should have no doubts now.  So why can't I rest in that?  Am I flawed somehow?  Is my faith not genuine?  Can I live with unanswered questions from God? Can, "Because I said so," be enough of an answer for me? The bomb keeps ticking and with it my peace is fleeting.

Tick-Tick-Tick

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are stayed on You." (Isaiah 26:3)  Maybe this is the problem. I cannot keep my mind and heart stayed on Him.  The ticking is too loud, the heartache too real.

Tick-Tick-Tick

And yet...
Somewhere in the back of my mind, somewhere in the depths of my breaking heart, I know God has not forsaken us.  I may feel like Lazarus being wrapped in burial cloth- or like his sisters as they watched these events unfold- but I still believe in God.  I still believe in a God who can resurrect life, even after all earthly hope is gone.  Though the light of hope is extremely dim, and the ticking of the bomb is extremely loud, STILL I will trust Him.

Indeed His ways are not my ways, but I choose, despite the struggle against my humanity, to walk by faith and not by sight.

Tick-I STILL BELIEVE-Tick-I STILL BELIEVE-Tick-I STILL BELIEVE

Humble and broken~Marla

Steps to PEACE

Boy oh boy has it been a rough summer, for the first time ever, I am actually glad to see summer end. You see, in April, I found out I was losing my job, in May I turned the big 40 (ugggh), in June we found out that the baby we have loved for almost a year was going to be leaving our home, Jeremiah had an emergency appendectomy and Jerry left for 2 weeks on a mission trip, in July the baby went home and Jerry became very sick with what we now know is Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. It was a rough summer!

In the midst of the sadness, disappointment, and chaos I must admit that I began to lose focus and there was no peace in our home. Then God began to get my attention. First I met with a friend who reminded me that fear is the opposite of faith, then I picked up a book by Joyce Meyers, The Battlefield of the Mind, and began to read realizing where I began to lose the battle of having peace despite my circumstances.

I am going to guess that I am not the only one who has faced hard times and I am probably not the only one who has allowed myself to lose sight of the peace that comes from Christ. So today I wanted to share with you some steps to finding peace.

First, We MUST keep your eye on the Savior rather than the situation. Matthew 19:26 tells us of a time when the disciples were baffled by some teaching Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” It is so easy to get bogged down with our circumstances and lose sight of the promises of Christ. For goodnes sake, we are standing knee deep in the circumstance and it demands our attention, but we have to make a conscious choice to keep our eyes on Christ.

Second, We need to pray and not panic. I don't know about you but I can tell you that when a crisis hits I often forget to just stop and pray but Matthew 7:7-11 tells us to “7 Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. 9 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" We need to go to God first, not to our friends, not to the box of chocolates or bowl of ice cream, not on a retail therapy trip, or whatever else it is that would distract us from going to Christ.

Third,we must have faith and not fear. I admit it is hard when we face unknowns but Hebrews 11:1 tells us that faith is, "confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." So that means choosing faith over fear even when we don't know what the tomorrow holds, because we know WHO holds the future. In fact Hebrews 11 goes on to say in verse 6 that "without faith it is impossible to please God."

So my question to you today is, what is holding you back from having peace? Remember satan is a thief who comes to steal, kill, and destroy but Jesus came so that we may have life, not just a barely surviving life but an abundant life, to the full. (John 10:10)