Living Sacrifice

Well the day has arrived, actually the week has arrived.  Today we have court for what we had hoped would be to be able to intervene and begin moving toward adoption on all 4 of our blessings.  Then on Wednesday, we will begin the proceedings for 2 of them toward termination.  However, with great frustration we were told that our petition to intervene and for full custody has been continued...oh how I hate that word, "continued."

Instead, there has been a petition entered to remove all three boys from our home and now, that is what court is in regards to today.  I have been anxious for days about this.  I have whined to the Lord that this battle has been raging for 6 long years.  I reminded him that I am tired and that enough is enough.  I pointed to their sweet faces and pointed out that they needed permanency and we all had hoped to be able to enjoy our summer without all this drama.  I kicked, I screamed...and God did what any good parent would do.  He reminded me in His gentle way that He was in charge and not me.

He has been speaking to me through verses and various words of encouragement from friends, but then in church yesterday He was finally able to shake me from my tantrum.  It happened during praise and worship.  We were singing Matt Redman's song, "Lay Me Down."  Some of the lyrics read,

I lay me down I'm not on my own
I belong to You alone
Lay me down, lay me down
Hand on my heart, this much is true
There's no life apart from You
Lay me down, lay me down
Lay me down, lay me down

Letting go of my pride
Giving up all my rights
Take this life and let it shine
Take this life and let it shine

It will be my joy to say
Your will, Your way
It will be my joy to say
Your will, Your way
It will be my joy to say
Your will, Your way
Always

As I was singing the lyrics I began to wrestle with whether or not it was my joy to say, "Your will, Your way."  I realized what I truly had been saying is, "My will, my way."  It reminded me of the Scripture from Romans 12:1-2, "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

Years ago, I was in a Bible study where we were discussing this very passage and an older gentleman remarked, "The problem with a living sacrifice is that it keeps crawling off the altar."   Certainly that seems to be the case for me here.  Six years ago when we began this journey, I committed our path to the Lord.  I promised to love each of these babies and told God we would walk this path with Him, wherever it lead. I committed to being a living sacrifice.  

Did I know then how hard this would be?  No.  

Did I know then how long the battle would rage on?  No.

Does it matter?  No

Is God good?  Yes!

Does He love me?  Yes!

Does He love these babies?  Yes!

So this morning, as we prepare for court, I am going to (try to) get back up on that altar and be the living sacrifice I committed to being long ago.  Here's hoping I don't crawl back off the altar!

Prayers?  Questions?  Please feel free to contact me!   

Jesus at the Center?

This Sunday we ended our musical praise time with the song, "Jesus at the Center of it All," by Israel Houghton and it began to stir up some questions from deep within me.  Then, as if God Himself was trying to shake me awake, the pastor (whom I am madly in love with :) preached on staying focused on Christ.  If I didn't know any better, I would think God was trying to get my attention!

Take a peek at some of the lyrics:
                  Jesus at the center of it all, from beginning to the end
                  It will always be, it's always been about You Jesus, Jesus
                  Nothing else matters, nothing in this world will do
                  Jesus You're the center, and everything else revolves
                  around You

The questions that was stirred up?  How is this done?  Am I really living this out?  In the day in and day out of life, could people look at my life and say, "Wow, Jesus is definitely at the center of that girl's life."  I want to say, "Yes!"  but remember that I am trying to keep it real this year with my blogs, so if I had to answer the question I would have to admit that often I let other things crowd Jesus out of the center of my life.

Many of you know that my husband (and pastor in case you didn't know that and are worried about me being madly in love with him!) and I have been engaged in an incredible battle for the lives of three, and soon to be four, precious lives.  This battle started 5 years ago when DCFS removed my niece from my brother's home and she was placed with us.  Since that hot July day, 2 more babies have been born into that situation and also placed in our care, and the news is that soon a fourth baby will be added to our midst.

The battle has been long, and wearying.  It has taken great strength and tenacity to continue in the often daily struggles against a broken system.  Hours have been spent with court hearings, visitations, case reviews, home visits, home inspections, fulfilling licensing requirements, documentation, the list goes on and on, not to mention the time it takes to actually care for these precious babies.  Our days are long and as my Facebook status read this morning, "Some mornings I think they do not make a bottle of Calgon big enough, or a cup of coffee big enough!"   I posted that after spending my morning trying to get both boys ready for a visit with their birth mom, baking two cakes for my youngest son/nephews birthday tomorrow, and getting supper in the crock pot so it would be ready to eat before the basketball game my older kids were going to.  All the while, both boys wanted to be held and cried every time I sat one of them down.  Jesus at the center of that?  How is that even possible?

Seriously, how am I suppose to keep Jesus at the center of it all when I can't even hear myself think.  I sang, "Nothing else matters..." but the truth of the situation was that it very much mattered that my boys were crying, that time was slipping away, and I still had much to accomplish.  Likewise, in the midst of a very stressful court battle and the daily demands for my time...how am I suppose to stay centered on Jesus?  Can you relate?  (Oh please, someone out there say, "Yes!")

This is the part of my blog where I usually offer some sort of witty insight, an answer to the dilemma that I have posed, but the trouble is, I don't have one!  Sure I have some verses:

Matthew 6:33, "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto     you."

Colossians 3:2, "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things."

Proverbs 4:25, "Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you."

These are all great verse, commands about how we should approach the problem.  However, I am still not clear on how I am to go about this, the application is a bit foggy.  Do I want Jesus to be at the center of it all?  Yes, of course I do.  Is He at the center of it all?  Yes of course He is.  Do I always feel like He is at the center of it all?  No, sadly no I do not.  Is it because He has walked away?  Well Joshua 1:5 gives us that answer, "No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life.  As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you."  So the problem must be with me.  The truth is that I have let the troubles of the world, the busyness of life, the cares and concerns I am facing, push Jesus, inch by inch, out of the center of my life.  Great now I know the problem, they say that is half the battle...

Perhaps the answer is simple.  Maybe I need to give myself some grace?  I am not saying that I don't need to make some changes...maybe spend less time on Facebook, and more time in His book, but I also need to be realistic.  Raising 7 kids is crazy, hard work.  It takes a lot of time and energy.  God knows that and understands that.  Besides 2 Corinthians 12:10 reminds me to... "delight in weaknesses...For when I am weak, then He is strong."

As always, I would love to hear your thoughts!