Living Sacrifice

Well the day has arrived, actually the week has arrived.  Today we have court for what we had hoped would be to be able to intervene and begin moving toward adoption on all 4 of our blessings.  Then on Wednesday, we will begin the proceedings for 2 of them toward termination.  However, with great frustration we were told that our petition to intervene and for full custody has been continued...oh how I hate that word, "continued."

Instead, there has been a petition entered to remove all three boys from our home and now, that is what court is in regards to today.  I have been anxious for days about this.  I have whined to the Lord that this battle has been raging for 6 long years.  I reminded him that I am tired and that enough is enough.  I pointed to their sweet faces and pointed out that they needed permanency and we all had hoped to be able to enjoy our summer without all this drama.  I kicked, I screamed...and God did what any good parent would do.  He reminded me in His gentle way that He was in charge and not me.

He has been speaking to me through verses and various words of encouragement from friends, but then in church yesterday He was finally able to shake me from my tantrum.  It happened during praise and worship.  We were singing Matt Redman's song, "Lay Me Down."  Some of the lyrics read,

I lay me down I'm not on my own
I belong to You alone
Lay me down, lay me down
Hand on my heart, this much is true
There's no life apart from You
Lay me down, lay me down
Lay me down, lay me down

Letting go of my pride
Giving up all my rights
Take this life and let it shine
Take this life and let it shine

It will be my joy to say
Your will, Your way
It will be my joy to say
Your will, Your way
It will be my joy to say
Your will, Your way
Always

As I was singing the lyrics I began to wrestle with whether or not it was my joy to say, "Your will, Your way."  I realized what I truly had been saying is, "My will, my way."  It reminded me of the Scripture from Romans 12:1-2, "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

Years ago, I was in a Bible study where we were discussing this very passage and an older gentleman remarked, "The problem with a living sacrifice is that it keeps crawling off the altar."   Certainly that seems to be the case for me here.  Six years ago when we began this journey, I committed our path to the Lord.  I promised to love each of these babies and told God we would walk this path with Him, wherever it lead. I committed to being a living sacrifice.  

Did I know then how hard this would be?  No.  

Did I know then how long the battle would rage on?  No.

Does it matter?  No

Is God good?  Yes!

Does He love me?  Yes!

Does He love these babies?  Yes!

So this morning, as we prepare for court, I am going to (try to) get back up on that altar and be the living sacrifice I committed to being long ago.  Here's hoping I don't crawl back off the altar!

Prayers?  Questions?  Please feel free to contact me!