A Seat at the Table

Being a parent is a hard job, and in my blog post "Just A Foster Parent" I share some of the extra parenting challenges that come along with being a foster parent.  One of the hardest parts is sometimes feeling like you are the only people who are truly advocating for the child(ren) in your care.  Hotline calls are being made, but somewhere after that there seems to be a breakdown.  I did some research earlier this year and found these statistics. According to the Illinois DCFS website as of March 31, 2019, there were 15,612 children in foster care in Illinois.  The number of hotline calls to report concerns as of that same date was 197,420 and the total number of hotline calls for all of 2018 was 276,538.  (DCFS website)
These numbers are staggering and should serve as a wake up call for all of us.

In April of this year there was a heart breaking story that hit the news here in Illinois. A five year old boy, A.J. Freund, had been reported missing and later found buried in a shallow grave that his parents had dug for him.  As if all of that was not heartbreaking enough, the news continued to report that there had been several hotline calls for this boy and yet he remained at home with the parents who would eventually choose to end his life.  This prompted a new wave of public outcry and Illinois Governor Pritzker called several meeting to discuss this with the media and with involved agencies and leaders.  Those events prompted me to write the following letter asking for a seat at the table of these discussions.  Please note that I have not used the names of the children involved to protect their identity. 



Dear Governor Pritzker,
There has been a lot of media coverage regarding the Department of Children and Family Services (“DCFS”) lately.  I was so encouraged to see you have a genuine interest in making needed improvements to this agency.   I believe there are two (2) voices not yet represented: those who choose to be foster parents and the children in the system.  While the underage children currently in the system may not be able speak to the media, former foster children (now older than 18) can speak and perhaps it is possible to interview at least some of the children currently in the system.  As for foster parents, I am certain if given the opportunity, current and former foster parents could offer great insight how to improve DCFS.
 
I stumbled into the foster parenting world unintentionally.  My nephew, Kyle Smith, was killed in May 1998.  My husband and I were running a children’s home at the time and were so surprised by Kyle’s untimely death and my brother and his girlfriend’s role in Kyle’s death.  At that point, we vowed to do whatever we could to ensure nothing like this happened again.  In summer 2008, we learned of more family trouble and made several hotline calls regarding our concerns.  Finally, I went into the local DCFS office and asked to speak with the person in charge.  I was able to share my concerns live and the worker immediately called the hotline himself.  At that point, our nieces were removed from a dangerous situation and two of the girls were placed with their birth mother while the third was placed with us.  

My niece, Blessing 1, was placed with us and was 9 months old at the time.  She had been born substance exposed and, despite DCFS directives, she was living with her birth mother.  Later, when I inquired, I was told DCFS was aware her birth mother had been in contact with her but had not done anything about it. 
Unfortunately, the story continues and, in 2010, sweet Blessing 2 was born.  He was also substance exposed and born prematurely.  He spent weeks in the NICU fighting for his life.  Upon his release from the hospital, he was placed in our home.  His birth mother left the hospital after he was born and did not resurface for three months.  Despite the laws that say that permanency must be the goal for children after 3 months, Blessing 2 was subjected to visits with his birth mother once she reappeared.  

In January 2012, Blessing 3 was born while the same birth mom was serving her prison term.  He was also placed in our home but sadly subjected to weekly visits with his birth mom while she was in prison.  This included weekly strip searches for this tiny baby boy.  In May 2013, Blessing 4 joined our family after his birth.  As foster parents, we had home inspections, family meetings, DCFS reviews, and more.  At times, we were unpopular with the supervising agency, Lutheran Social Services (“LSSI”) because we were advocating for these sweet babies.  We were told things like:

“Mrs. Graham we are a reactive agency, not a proactive one” and “These children have no rights, it is about the birth mother’s rights not the kids.” 
My personal favorite was when they referred to me as “Just a foster parent” despite opening my home to my four sweet miracle nieces and nephews.  

In 2015, after 8 years for Blessing 1 and 5 years for Blessing 2, the birth mother’s rights were terminated and we moved toward adopting these two.  However, at that same time, DCFS, LSSI, and the court systems advocated for the younger two to return to their birth mom.  In March 2015, they returned to her care and DCFS refused to give us access to them in any way.  Blessing 3 had lived in our home his first 3 years of life and Blessing 4 for 22 months.  In July 2016, this birth mom was once again in trouble with DCFS.  At that point, she had another baby, Blessing 5, born in January 2016.  DCFS removed Blessing 5 for the first time in July 2016, but somehow allowed Blessing 3 and Blessing 4 to remain in her care.  She took Blessing 3 to a different state and sent Blessing 4 to his birth fathers. 
After several more drug related run-ins with DCFS, in 2017, a lawyer appointed by the Court to represent Blessing 4 contacted us.  In July 2017, we petitioned the Court on behalf of the boys for an emergency order of protection.  Thankfully, the Court ordered the boys to return to our care, where they remain to this day.  The Court awarded us guardianship over both boys in December 2018.  A new investigation was apparently launched by DCFS into the birth mom and the fate of the remaining child, Blessing 5, has yet to be determined.

I appreciate you taking the time to read through this lengthy story.  There is much more to the story and these are only the highlights; however, this is just ONE story and there are many, many stories with similar themes.  If I had a dollar for every time I heard that the system is so broken, I would be rich.  The system is broken and I want to be a part of fixing it.  I believe there should be a shift in our focus (children centered rather than parent) and the laws should be enforced unilaterally.  I have enclosed a blog post I have written that may give you a better glimpse into the life of foster parents.  I would be happy to discuss any of this further.  If you have questions or other concerns, please feel free to contact me using the above information. 
Marla Graham
Former Foster Momma 


This letter was sent in April of 2019 and to date I have received no reply.  It is disheartening to see so little interest in fixing a system that is truly broken.  There have been many days that I have wanted to give up, especially since all these kids have now been placed in our care.  Even Blessing #5 has been placed in a safe home.  I could take my wins and walk away, but it isn't about winning.

It is about caring.  It is about providing safety and stability for ALL kids.  We all have to do our part.  If we see something that is questionable, then we need to ask questions.  If we know (or even think) that a child is in a dangerous situation, we need to speak up.  Anyone can call the hotline number for DCFS (1-800- 25-ABUSE).  Remember it is not your job to determine if some behavior is abuse or not, don't overthink it.  Report it and let the experts investigate and make the determination.  I know that DCFS has not always gotten it right, but that should not stop us from making the call.  Our response is our responsibility.  Be a voice for those who do not have a voice!


I know that this post, and many of my blog posts, is all about how hard it is to be a foster parent. It is a hard job, the hardest job I have ever had, but I would do it again in a heartbeat.  There are children who need someone to stand in the gap for them, to advocate in the face of adversity for them, to love them unconditionally.

"I (you) can do all things through Christ who gives me (you) strength."  (Philippians 4:13)  I can't promise it will be an easy road. In fact, I can almost guarantee you that it won't be.  Do it anyway!

Questions? Comments?  You know what to do!
Trying to shine,
Marla

Two Empty Seats at My Table

It is early here at the Graham house.  I am the only one awake this early on Thanksgiving Day.  Even our dog, Finley, my constant companion, has chosen sleep over being awake this early.  The turkey is stuffed and I am just beginning to smell the aroma as it begins cooking.  All of the pies are baked and side dishes are prepped.  Everything is ready for our celebration.  Well, almost everything.

It seems my heart is not quite ready for the day.  Traditionally, this day is all about celebrating all the blessings that we have, and being thankful for all that the past year has brought us.  And, that is where the problem comes in for me.  I am finding it difficult to be thankful for the past year.  When I look back at the past year, what I feel the most is not gratefulness at what we have harvested from this year, but rather a deep sadness at what we have lost.  Today as we go about our celebrations, there will be two empty chairs at my table.  Two chairs that should be filled with giggling boys and spilled drinks; filled with silly jokes, shared memories, and way too many sweets.  Instead, what I will feel is their absence, and no matter how hard I try, I just cannot be thankful for that.

Oh, I know I am not the only one with empty chairs at my table.  I guess that is what prompted me to write this blog.  Many of us have suffered the loss of a loved one since last Thanksgiving.  Maybe not in the same way as my family, but loss is loss.   So as I wrestle with these emotions, I am not alone.

You probably know the history of this holiday but let's take a peek back and see if we can learn anything new.  Thanksgiving was first celebrated back in 1621.  The Pilgrims had just harvested their first successful crop of corn and their leader, William Bradford, was pumped!  He sends out a group of hunters so that they can add some meat to their party, and he even extends an invite to the Wampanoag Indians.  They had so much to be thankful for that their feast lasted 3 whole days.

Three days...I am struggling to keep it together for just one day. But that is different,  they had A LOT to be thankful for so it was easier for them, right?  Well- not exactly.  You see, the Pilgrims had come to the New World with great hopes and dreams.  Hopes for a new life free of religious persecution.  Dreams of settling in and making a name for themselves with all the unknown possibilities just waiting to be claimed.  What they got instead was a whole lot of hardship.  The passage over was rougher than they had expected, lives were lost and hopes were fading.  Once they reached the new land the flames of their dreams began to burn again, but the smoke of sadness still hung over them.  By the time they harvested their first crops of corn and were making preparations for their Thanksgiving, less than half of the newcomers were still alive to celebrate.  There were a few empty seats at their table.

For three days they feasted and took time to count their blessings.  God had provided them with a cornucopia (I have always wanted to use this word!) of  things to be thankful for. And they were thankful ~DESPITE~ the losses they had suffered.  Yes, their hearts were heavy as they thought of all of those empty chairs.  Life had not turned out the way they had hoped and dreamed it would.  However, those that celebrated were alive, they had food to eat and a place to sleep.  These might seem like small things but these are the things they were not taking for granted.

Perhaps this is what I am missing as I face this day, a peace in remembering all that I do have to be thankful for.  I have a very full table this Thanksgiving, there will be giggling and spilled drinks, silly jokes, shared memories, and way too many sweets.  Yes, there will be some sadness as well but I think the biggest thing I must remember is what the Pilgrims surely knew.  Words of wisdom from my favorite author...

 Everything?  Yes, in everything the Pilgrims gave thanks.  In the things that had been lost, in the things that had been found, in the new and for the old, they gave thanks.  So, I will take notes from my Pilgrim friends and set my heart on counting my blessings rather than my burdens today.  Will you join me?

Content in ALL Circumstances

My sweet baby D's birthday was this past week.  It was an incredibly difficult day for all of us here as we didn't get to celebrate it with him.  There was no cake and ice cream for breakfast.  No balloons, no streamers, no pictures.

It has been 77 days since we have seen his sweet face.  Most days it still seems as if we will never get out of this dark valley we are walking through.  Every once in awhile I see a little glimmer of light on the horizon but it quickly fades as reality once again sets in.  This is a hard place to be.

It would be an easy jump to leap into a giant pity party. Or to grow angry.  Angry with the foster care system, angry with the judge, angry with dishonest caseworkers, angry with God.  It is something I must choose to fight against, sometimes minute by minute.  In fact the new catch phrase at the Graham house has become, "Focus on your blessings rather than your burdens," as we work to encourage each other through this new normal. 

As I was thinking about all of this yesterday, it made me remember a conversation I had recently with my 7 year old.  It was Easter time and we attended the community Easter egg hunt.  As we arrived, children were divided according to their age group and given a specific area to hunt.  Within each area were 3 prize eggs: 1 golden egg, 1 egg marked with an "X" for a boy and one egg marked with an "X" for a girl.  As we set off on our hunt, my girl was quite lucky.  Among her treasures, were both the "X" egg and the golden egg.  As we headed to turn in our treasures I decided this would be a great teachable moment.  I pulled Skyler aside and asked her to think about others in her age group.  There were a lot of other kids and I wanted her to share one of her prize eggs.  We talked about how it would be kind to give one of the two eggs to someone else so they could have a special prize too.  I told her that it wasn't really fair for her to have 2 prizes when others had none and asked her to give the girl egg to someone else because the golden egg was probably the grand prize.  With much encouragement, Skyler kept the golden egg and gave the "X" egg to another girl in her age group.

As it turns out, the big prize was for the egg with the "X."  The little girl Skyler gave this to received a huge Easter egg basket filled with toys and candy. When Skyler turned in her golden egg she got a chocolate bunny.  To say she was mad is an understatement.  All the way home she complained and grumped about not getting the big prize because I made her give it away.  I listened to her whine for a bit but after about 10 minutes, I had had enough.  I sat her down and talked with her about the situation.  I reminded her that when she went up to the egg hunt, she went with nothing but an empty basket and now she was coming home with not only a bunch of eggs, but also a chocolate bunny.  I tried to help her see that she came home with more than she went with.  I would love to say that my pep talk worked and she skipped off merrily into the sunset counting her eggs (and blessings), but not all endings are storybook endings.  I am pretty sure that if you ask Skyler about it now, a month later, she will still be mad.  She may never forgive me for this moment! 

At least not until she is older and wiser like me.  I mean I would never react like that. 

Or would I?  Maybe a better question is, am I?  If I am honest, and I always try to be, I would have to shamefully admit that I am behaving the same way.  I wanted the grand prize...I wanted the boys to stay here with us. If they are here I know they are safe, well cared for, and loved.  I don't want to be satisfied with the chocolate bunny of the 2 and 3 years we had them here.  I want the whole basket.  I have come home from the party sulky and mad.  I did not get what I wanted, and it is not fair. 

I can imagine Jesus pulling me to the side and reminding me..."Marla, you came to the party with nothing, and you went home with a full basket."  I wonder if He is as weary of my whining as I was of Skyler's?  My home is still overflowing with blessings.  I have a husband who serves the Lord with all he has and who loves me.  I have a houseful of children and we have been celebrating things like marriage and graduation these last few years.  My children are all walking with the Lord, I have a nice home and a warm bed. The list could go on and on.  But still I whine. 

I imagine the Apostle Paul may have had a similar struggle before coming to the place where he was able to pen these words: (red words mine!)

Philippians 4:11-13 (NIV)
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned [am learning] to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned [am learning] the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

 Thank you for your prayers and encouragement as we walk this road and I hope you will be encouraged to learn with us to be content in ALL things.

Blessings,

Marla

Pity Party, Party of One...

I think we have all been there, drug down by the disappointments of life and discouraged with the way things have turned out.  That is how I was feeling all of last week.  Overwhelmed with responsibilities, discouraged by many failures (namely potty training), and frustrated with the ever slow wheels of justice as we battle for these precious kids that have been placed with us.

I moped around most of Monday, barely accomplishing the minimum that was required.  Tuesday was not much better and by Wednesday it was a full out Pity Party.  If life would have let me, I would have stayed in bed.  But woe is me, these kids demanded my time and attention!  By Wednesday night, when the rest of my family was heading out to church, and I was staying home with tired little ones, I was well on my way to becoming Eeyore.  You know from Winnie the Pooh?  The sad little donkey who is always so glum.  "Oh bother!"

I have always loved Eeyore, my heart just melts at his sad little outlook on life. But, you know what I noticed about Eeyore?  No one lives with him, he lives all alone in his damp house in the Hundred Acre Woods.  Ok, ok...all of the characters in the story except Kanga and Roo live alone, but when you read the books or watch the cartoon, they are always at each others houses, except at Eeyore's.  It seems that everyone loves Eeyore, but no one is in a grand hurry to spend time with him.  Hmmmm....

I suppose that was much like me last week, who wants to hang out with a glummy gus, a girl sitting around feeling sorry for herself.  As I was thinking through things and muddling about my week, this phrase came into my head, "Pity party, party of one."  Over and over I heard that and it made me giggle.  You know when you go out to eat at a busy restaurant and they take your name and ask how many people are in your party, then when your table is ready they call out, "Graham, party of 9?"  Well that is what I was envisioning, and you know what?  No one wanted to join my pity party.

Why would they?  There were no balloons and streamers, geesh there were no decorations at all.  Cake and ice cream?  I don't think so....there was nothing to celebrate here.  Reminds me of Eeyore's words to Pooh, "Good morning, Pooh Bear...if it is a good morning.  Which I doubt!"

Now something is wrong with this picture, parties are for celebrations, for embracing life and praising God for whatever blessing is being celebrated.  Sometimes as believers we live under this false idea that everything is going to be easy, that once we accept Christ as our Savior we will have smooth sailing.  I have read my Bible from cover to cover, and you know what?  Nowhere in those pages does it say that this life is going to be easy.  In fact 1 Peter 4:12-13 says just the opposite, "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed."  So why on earth are we wasting time feeling sorry for ourselves?  Time for a little perspective adjustment I guess...think I will go sit down and make a list of all my blessings instead of all my problems, then I can have a blessings party...party of many, want to join me?  I hope you will!

Here's where I am starting:
1. I am redeemed by a Savior who gave his life for me.
2. I am blessed with 7, soon to be 8, beautiful, healthy babies.
3. I have a husband who loves me.
4.  I have a warm place to sleep and warm food to eat.