A Seat at the Table

Being a parent is a hard job, and in my blog post "Just A Foster Parent" I share some of the extra parenting challenges that come along with being a foster parent.  One of the hardest parts is sometimes feeling like you are the only people who are truly advocating for the child(ren) in your care.  Hotline calls are being made, but somewhere after that there seems to be a breakdown.  I did some research earlier this year and found these statistics. According to the Illinois DCFS website as of March 31, 2019, there were 15,612 children in foster care in Illinois.  The number of hotline calls to report concerns as of that same date was 197,420 and the total number of hotline calls for all of 2018 was 276,538.  (DCFS website)
These numbers are staggering and should serve as a wake up call for all of us.

In April of this year there was a heart breaking story that hit the news here in Illinois. A five year old boy, A.J. Freund, had been reported missing and later found buried in a shallow grave that his parents had dug for him.  As if all of that was not heartbreaking enough, the news continued to report that there had been several hotline calls for this boy and yet he remained at home with the parents who would eventually choose to end his life.  This prompted a new wave of public outcry and Illinois Governor Pritzker called several meeting to discuss this with the media and with involved agencies and leaders.  Those events prompted me to write the following letter asking for a seat at the table of these discussions.  Please note that I have not used the names of the children involved to protect their identity. 



Dear Governor Pritzker,
There has been a lot of media coverage regarding the Department of Children and Family Services (“DCFS”) lately.  I was so encouraged to see you have a genuine interest in making needed improvements to this agency.   I believe there are two (2) voices not yet represented: those who choose to be foster parents and the children in the system.  While the underage children currently in the system may not be able speak to the media, former foster children (now older than 18) can speak and perhaps it is possible to interview at least some of the children currently in the system.  As for foster parents, I am certain if given the opportunity, current and former foster parents could offer great insight how to improve DCFS.
 
I stumbled into the foster parenting world unintentionally.  My nephew, Kyle Smith, was killed in May 1998.  My husband and I were running a children’s home at the time and were so surprised by Kyle’s untimely death and my brother and his girlfriend’s role in Kyle’s death.  At that point, we vowed to do whatever we could to ensure nothing like this happened again.  In summer 2008, we learned of more family trouble and made several hotline calls regarding our concerns.  Finally, I went into the local DCFS office and asked to speak with the person in charge.  I was able to share my concerns live and the worker immediately called the hotline himself.  At that point, our nieces were removed from a dangerous situation and two of the girls were placed with their birth mother while the third was placed with us.  

My niece, Blessing 1, was placed with us and was 9 months old at the time.  She had been born substance exposed and, despite DCFS directives, she was living with her birth mother.  Later, when I inquired, I was told DCFS was aware her birth mother had been in contact with her but had not done anything about it. 
Unfortunately, the story continues and, in 2010, sweet Blessing 2 was born.  He was also substance exposed and born prematurely.  He spent weeks in the NICU fighting for his life.  Upon his release from the hospital, he was placed in our home.  His birth mother left the hospital after he was born and did not resurface for three months.  Despite the laws that say that permanency must be the goal for children after 3 months, Blessing 2 was subjected to visits with his birth mother once she reappeared.  

In January 2012, Blessing 3 was born while the same birth mom was serving her prison term.  He was also placed in our home but sadly subjected to weekly visits with his birth mom while she was in prison.  This included weekly strip searches for this tiny baby boy.  In May 2013, Blessing 4 joined our family after his birth.  As foster parents, we had home inspections, family meetings, DCFS reviews, and more.  At times, we were unpopular with the supervising agency, Lutheran Social Services (“LSSI”) because we were advocating for these sweet babies.  We were told things like:

“Mrs. Graham we are a reactive agency, not a proactive one” and “These children have no rights, it is about the birth mother’s rights not the kids.” 
My personal favorite was when they referred to me as “Just a foster parent” despite opening my home to my four sweet miracle nieces and nephews.  

In 2015, after 8 years for Blessing 1 and 5 years for Blessing 2, the birth mother’s rights were terminated and we moved toward adopting these two.  However, at that same time, DCFS, LSSI, and the court systems advocated for the younger two to return to their birth mom.  In March 2015, they returned to her care and DCFS refused to give us access to them in any way.  Blessing 3 had lived in our home his first 3 years of life and Blessing 4 for 22 months.  In July 2016, this birth mom was once again in trouble with DCFS.  At that point, she had another baby, Blessing 5, born in January 2016.  DCFS removed Blessing 5 for the first time in July 2016, but somehow allowed Blessing 3 and Blessing 4 to remain in her care.  She took Blessing 3 to a different state and sent Blessing 4 to his birth fathers. 
After several more drug related run-ins with DCFS, in 2017, a lawyer appointed by the Court to represent Blessing 4 contacted us.  In July 2017, we petitioned the Court on behalf of the boys for an emergency order of protection.  Thankfully, the Court ordered the boys to return to our care, where they remain to this day.  The Court awarded us guardianship over both boys in December 2018.  A new investigation was apparently launched by DCFS into the birth mom and the fate of the remaining child, Blessing 5, has yet to be determined.

I appreciate you taking the time to read through this lengthy story.  There is much more to the story and these are only the highlights; however, this is just ONE story and there are many, many stories with similar themes.  If I had a dollar for every time I heard that the system is so broken, I would be rich.  The system is broken and I want to be a part of fixing it.  I believe there should be a shift in our focus (children centered rather than parent) and the laws should be enforced unilaterally.  I have enclosed a blog post I have written that may give you a better glimpse into the life of foster parents.  I would be happy to discuss any of this further.  If you have questions or other concerns, please feel free to contact me using the above information. 
Marla Graham
Former Foster Momma 


This letter was sent in April of 2019 and to date I have received no reply.  It is disheartening to see so little interest in fixing a system that is truly broken.  There have been many days that I have wanted to give up, especially since all these kids have now been placed in our care.  Even Blessing #5 has been placed in a safe home.  I could take my wins and walk away, but it isn't about winning.

It is about caring.  It is about providing safety and stability for ALL kids.  We all have to do our part.  If we see something that is questionable, then we need to ask questions.  If we know (or even think) that a child is in a dangerous situation, we need to speak up.  Anyone can call the hotline number for DCFS (1-800- 25-ABUSE).  Remember it is not your job to determine if some behavior is abuse or not, don't overthink it.  Report it and let the experts investigate and make the determination.  I know that DCFS has not always gotten it right, but that should not stop us from making the call.  Our response is our responsibility.  Be a voice for those who do not have a voice!


I know that this post, and many of my blog posts, is all about how hard it is to be a foster parent. It is a hard job, the hardest job I have ever had, but I would do it again in a heartbeat.  There are children who need someone to stand in the gap for them, to advocate in the face of adversity for them, to love them unconditionally.

"I (you) can do all things through Christ who gives me (you) strength."  (Philippians 4:13)  I can't promise it will be an easy road. In fact, I can almost guarantee you that it won't be.  Do it anyway!

Questions? Comments?  You know what to do!
Trying to shine,
Marla

Whoa momma, where did these thighs come from?

Several years ago, I had the privilege to teach PE to Kindergarten, 1st, and 2nd graders.  One day while leading my 2nd graders in their morning jumping jacks, a sweet little boy, who happened to be standing right in front of me, said with great innocence, "Mrs. Graham, you sure have a lot of things on you that wiggle." 

Oh my!  You have to love the honesty of youth!  And I promise that from that day forward I did my exercise leading from the sidelines rather than right out front!

I can remember back in high school thinking that I was fat, because I did not look like the girls in the magazines, nor did I look like some of the girls in my school.  My thighs have always been...well way bigger than I would like them to be, but goodness gracious what I would give to go back to my 130 pound high school body!  And now as I am creeping toward 50, it seems to be harder and harder to shed the pounds.  And I am going to bet that when I reach 50, I will look back and wish I was the weight I had been in my 20's and 30's.

Isn't that just like us?  When we have something we are unhappy with it, but when we no longer have it, we are wishing for it.  Always wanting what we cannot have!  The trouble is that often we sit around wishing, rather than taking action.  I want to lose 20 pounds but ask me when I exercised last?  Unless you count chasing toddlers, I would have to tell you it has been 3 weeks.  And let's not even talk about what I ate yesterday!  Right?  So often we spend time hoping for change, and yet we are unwilling to do what is needed to bring about that change.  

I spent some time today on the phone with a friend who is going through a season of change.  She had called because she was lonely and was thinking about not going to church anymore because it is too hard for her to go each week and sit by herself.  Now from the outside looking in, you may be able to see how counterproductive it would be to stop attending church, but she wasn't able to see it.  So I asked some tough questions, "Have you talked to the pastor about how you are feeling?'  "Have you tried to get involved in any groups at the church?"  "Do you go up and talk to people there or do you just go and leave without trying to connect with anyone?"  The questions were tough because it required her to take action rather than just wishing and hoping that someone else would do it.  The hard truth is this, if you want to see change in your life, you have to be willing to MAKE changes in your life.  I once heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  I think that is so true.

So what area of your life would you like to see change in? What are you going to do today to change it?  Here are some action tips that I have found to be helpful:

1. Stop comparing!  You are you, you are not anyone else, so do not expect yourself to be.  When you stand before God, He is only going to ask you about you...not Suzy Skinny down the street, not Holly Homemaker from your church, not Popular Polly...you are you!  
2. Start with just one area at a time, if there are 4 or 5 areas of your life you would like to see changes, prioritize and start making changes in 1 area, otherwise you will be overwhelmed and end up giving up.
3. Set reasonable goals.  I do think we often set ourselves up for failure by setting the goal so high we could never reach it and then giving up because we are discouraged.  So for example, if you want to lose 20 pounds, setting a smaller goal, maybe 2 pounds a week would be reasonable, remember you did not put on the extra weight over a 2 week period so you are not going to lose it in 2 weeks either.  This is why New Year's Resolutions often fail.
4. Find someone to keep you accountable, Ecclesiates 4:12 talks about how a chord of three is not easily broken.  There is strength in numbers!  
5. Make sure the change is really necessary, are your expectations reasonable?  Pray and seek God's face for the areas that He wants to be changed in your life.  For example, we are suppose to take care of our "temple" but God is not honored if we are beautiful on the outside and our insides are as ugly as can be.  
6.  Give your self some grace, change is hard.  Stay in prayer and get your strength from God, surround yourself with encouragers who will cheer you along your journey, and love yourself enough to accept the times you stumble!  

So whether it is your physical body, or your spiritual self that needs some changes...stop wishing and get moving!