Monday, December 31, 2012
Get Real...
I am not a big fan of New Year's Resolutions...but have always been a fan of making a life growth plan, an idea I stole from my friend Bill Allsion years ago. So in the spirit of looking forward to new life growth in 2013, I am excited to share with you a challenge for this year.
I want to invite you to join me in just being real this coming year. By "being real," I mean authentic, and by "authentic," I mean imperfect. I have had the privilege of getting a sneak peek at Jill Savage's newest book, No More Perfect Mom, and have been reminded of how often we compare our insides to everyone else's outsides. So often in life, we go about pretending to be okay when really our hearts are weighed down with sorrows, or we allow fear to keep us silent rather than asking for help. The truth is there is so much freedom that comes from just being real with people, and not just freedom for you. There is freedom for those around you also, because when you are real, it allows them to be be real. So, I am going to spend this year blogging about real life, the trials as well as the triumphs.
Here is a quote from the introduction of Jill's book, "Have you ever wondered what is wrong with you, with your family, with your kids? Nothing is wrong with you or your family. You are normal. Your frustrations are normal. Your disappointments are normal. Your struggles are normal. In fact, that’s what this book is all about: the reassurance that you are normal."
I hope to share in this "Get Real" journey with you in 2013, here are a few ways you can get started...
1. Sign up for Jill Savage's "No More Perfect Moms" 31-Day Email Challenge. I'm sure it'll be a fantastic way to start the new year. You don't have to have the book {which doesn't release until February anyway} to be part of this. Click here to sign up so you can start receiving real-life encouragement in your inbox on Jan. 1.
2. Don't buy the book yet, but get ready to do so Feb. 4-9. Along with the release of "No More Perfect Moms," Hearts at Home and Moody Publishers will offer additional bonus resources worth more than $100 if you order/buy the book anytime Feb. 4-9. Click here to learn more about this and sign up to be reminded of the release date.
3. Visit "No More Perfect Moms" website. This is where you can share stories, learn more about the book, and view motherhood resources.
4. Choose one friend to get real with. Look through your facebook friends list, think about the other people in your circles, and chose one person to start being real with. Someone who you can invite over, even if your house is a mess. Someone you can talk to when your kids are behaving less than perfectly, or you are fighting with your spouse. Someone you can share your struggles with. And most importantly, someone you can encourage to also be real with you. Romans 1:12 tells us to that we can "be mutually encouraged by each other's faith."
Let me know if you want to join me in this challenge, I look forward to hearing from you soon!
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
A few quick lessons from the little ones
Being an adult is often so humbling...I learn so much from my children and wanted to take a minute to share a few insights they have taught me lately. Hope you enjoy them!
Yesterday my two year old was trying to get the headphones off of the computer desk. He had gotten ahold of one end and was pulling with all his might. No matter how hard he pulled, he could not get the headphones down. From where I sat, I could see that there was a knot in the wire part and the harder he pulled, the tighter the knot became, and the tighter the knot got, the less likely the headphones were to be obtained. I tried to get him to let go so I could undo the knot, but he wouldn't release his hold on them. I couldn't help but think of how often I had been in the same predicament. Can you relate? Way too many times I can remember wanting something, catching a glance of it, reaching out and grabbing ahold of it and then pulling with all my might. But no matter how hard I pulled I could not seem to obtain the object. I wonder if God was looking from above the scene, trying to pry my fingers off of the cords so that He could free the object for me, but I refused to let go and trust God to know more than me. Hmm? and Ouch!
My 11 month old is at that wonderful stage where he loves to play peek-a-boo. We were enjoying some giggles while playing this game just last week. Of course, I am a teacher at heart so I understand that play is really a secret way of learning new things. For example, peek-a-boo, and it's older brother, hide and go seek, helps to teach the concept of "object permanence." This concept helps babies to learn that just because they can't see something doesn't mean it is not there. As my little guy and I were playing, it struck me that, though God never hides from us, we do need to learn the lesson of object permanence....just because we cannot see God, doesn't mean He isn't there. Sometimes a situation is so desperate, (the Sandy Hook shootings, for example) that I struggle to see God in all the details. Hebrews 13:5 reminds us, "“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” And yet still, when the flood waters start rising, it sometimes feels like God is nowhere to be found. I hope the next time I feel this way, I will remember that though it feels like God is playing hide and seek with me, God is not hiding, which can only mean that I have not been seeking...
Thoughts? Comments? I always love feedback!
Yesterday my two year old was trying to get the headphones off of the computer desk. He had gotten ahold of one end and was pulling with all his might. No matter how hard he pulled, he could not get the headphones down. From where I sat, I could see that there was a knot in the wire part and the harder he pulled, the tighter the knot became, and the tighter the knot got, the less likely the headphones were to be obtained. I tried to get him to let go so I could undo the knot, but he wouldn't release his hold on them. I couldn't help but think of how often I had been in the same predicament. Can you relate? Way too many times I can remember wanting something, catching a glance of it, reaching out and grabbing ahold of it and then pulling with all my might. But no matter how hard I pulled I could not seem to obtain the object. I wonder if God was looking from above the scene, trying to pry my fingers off of the cords so that He could free the object for me, but I refused to let go and trust God to know more than me. Hmm? and Ouch!
My 11 month old is at that wonderful stage where he loves to play peek-a-boo. We were enjoying some giggles while playing this game just last week. Of course, I am a teacher at heart so I understand that play is really a secret way of learning new things. For example, peek-a-boo, and it's older brother, hide and go seek, helps to teach the concept of "object permanence." This concept helps babies to learn that just because they can't see something doesn't mean it is not there. As my little guy and I were playing, it struck me that, though God never hides from us, we do need to learn the lesson of object permanence....just because we cannot see God, doesn't mean He isn't there. Sometimes a situation is so desperate, (the Sandy Hook shootings, for example) that I struggle to see God in all the details. Hebrews 13:5 reminds us, "“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” And yet still, when the flood waters start rising, it sometimes feels like God is nowhere to be found. I hope the next time I feel this way, I will remember that though it feels like God is playing hide and seek with me, God is not hiding, which can only mean that I have not been seeking...
Thoughts? Comments? I always love feedback!
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Happily Ever After
Oh I love a happy ending, don't you? After all, every fairy tale I have ever read ends with, "and they lived happily ever after." But, I suppose the key word there is "fairy" tale...as in not real life, because if I have learned anything in these 40 plus years I have walked here on earth, it is that life does not always have a "happily ever after" ending. oh there may be a chapter or two, even more for some of us, but not every chapter ends that way. I was reminded of this once again last February when my dad turned the last page of his book and passed away.
As a little girl, my daddy had always been my hero, and though he wasn't perfect, you wouldn't have been able to convince me that he was anything but wonderful. When my nephew was killed back in 1998, I began to see a different person take over where my dad had been. We still had a decent relationship, but my dad began to change, and then in July of 2007 our relationship took a terrible turn. That is when my niece came to live with us and things between dad and I got pretty choppy. My dad blamed me for the things that were happening with my brother, and eventually he stopped talking to me all together.
Of course, I hoped and prayed for reconciliation. I offered to meet with him and the pastor of his choosing more times than I can even count, but always he refused. He had a heart attack in 2008 and I thought that this may be our chance for the "happily ever after," but it only deepened the ever growing canyon between us. Many nights I spent restless and broken at the distance that had come between us, and as I lay awake I began to paint a "happily ever after" picture in my head. I knew that God desires reconciliation, I knew that I was willing, and that my dad was a professing Christian, so I was convinced that it would happen. (See 2 Corinthians 5:18-19)
In February of this year, I received news that my dad had been rushed to the hospital. Once again the hope of reconciliation rose up in me. Jerry and I went to the hospital, and spent the next week traveling back and forth there. I sat beside my dad's bed and held his hand, closer than I had been to him in 5 years. As I sat there I prayed that he would wake up and we could talk through all of the things that had driven a wedge between us. I played out the conversations in my head, what I would say, what he would say...I was well on my way to that "happily ever after" ending.
As I went to the hospital each day I was faced with many reminders of how unsettled things had become between Dad and I. Several of my dad's family members treated me unkindly, and one of my dad's friends from his church spoke very unkind words to me, making an already painful situation even more difficult. (For the full story you can read my March 2012 blog,"I Can't Find My Big Girl Panties..."
Sadly, my dad never did wake up, we never had our chance to talk through the trouble that had grown up between us, and I never got to hear the words I so desperately wanted to hear, "I love you Marla." The happily ever after never came, and even as I type this almost one year later, my heart is still heavy with the reality of it all. The visitation and funeral only served as reminders of just how permanent the distance between my dad and I would remain. I was filled with conflicting emotions of love, anger, and regret. This was not the way the story was suppose to end! What happened to "happily ever after?"
As the story unfolded I couldn't help but question, is God a God of "happily ever after" endings or isn't He? I mean He is in the business of reconciliation, right? It is why He sent His son to die on the cross for us, so that we could be reconciled to Him. (Again See 2 Corinthians 5:18-19) Well, in truth, God is all for "happily ever after" I have read the end of His book, and for those who choose to believe and become followers of Him, the story does indeed end well. The key is, that God is a gentleman, and He allows us to choose for ourselves. We will all have to live with the choices we make, and for those of us who choose well, the ending is very happy. The ending to my dad and I's story, may not have been the ending I had hoped for, but the choices we each made resulted in the story being written as it was.
Though I am sad at how the last chapter of our story together ended, I am reminded again of the truth of God's word in Isaiah 40:31, "But those who hope in the Lord, will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles: they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." I am reminded that what I can hope and count on is the Lord. So often I want to hope in other people, I want to be able to count on this person or that person to fulfill a need I have, but the truth is that people will disappoint us. But God, now that is a different story! He will NEVER disappoint us, NEVER leave us, NEVER forsake us!
He wants to be the author of our everyday story, and I promise, if we trust in Him, we will indeed live happily ever after!
Comments or Questions? I would love to hear them!
Friday, November 30, 2012
I've Got This!
It's probably just me, but does anyone
else out there spend time worrying and fretting about all sorts of things?
Just last night I was tossing and turning in bed trying to turn my brain
off and get some rest. This is a problem I have wrestled with for as long
as I can remember. I know. I know...you
are all getting ready to quote the verses from Matthew 6 about worrying to me.
Well, at least that is what my husband usually does, so I know the verses, but in case you don't
this is what they say:
25 “Therefore I
tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or
about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body
more than clothes? 26 Look at the
birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your
heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your
life?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of
the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was
dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how
God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown
into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What
shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your
heavenly Father knows that you need them.33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and
all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will
worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
I have jokingly told my husband that I think the punctuation in
verse 27 is incorrect and should read more like a challenge than a question. “Can
any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life!?” And I am answering, “Well, I’m sure trying!”
The truth is that worry just robs you of peace and accomplishes nothing. You cannot change anything simply by worrying, but prayer…well that is a different story! Prayer can change EVERYTHING! Philippians 4:6 has the better answer, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”
The truth is that worry just robs you of peace and accomplishes nothing. You cannot change anything simply by worrying, but prayer…well that is a different story! Prayer can change EVERYTHING! Philippians 4:6 has the better answer, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”
Awhile back I was busy doing about 10 things at once when my 5
year old asked me to make her a sandwich.
I told her that I would make lunch as soon as I finished up the task I
was working on. As I was finishing up,
the phone rang and I got distracted with the phone call. I looked up to see my little girl making peanut
butter and jelly sandwiches for her brother and her. I hung up the phone and apologized to her for
being distracted. She looked up at me
and smiled giving me a thumbs up she said, “Don’t worry mom, I’ve got this!”
I wonder how many times God says that to me? After I have tossed and turned for hours
fretting over the latest dilemma, when I finally cry out to God in prayer, does
he look down at me, smile and give me a thumbs up…”Don’t worry daughter, I’ve
got this.”
So the next time you are robbed of peace because of the anxiety
pounding on your front door, I hope you will remember not to be anxious about
ANYTHING but in EVERY situation, cry out to God, because He’s got this!
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Urgent News
So why is it that I do not have this same sense of urgency to share the greatest news of all time? I have been thinking about this ever since I received a phone call from my sister this morning, She called to tell me that our cousin is very sick and that he was being life flighted for treatment. I was never really close to him, but we grew up next door to each other and he was always kind. In truth, we only ever had a handful of conversations but as I sit here awaiting news, it is weighing on my heart that I never, not one time, ever shared with him about the love of Christ. The most important thing in my whole life, the thing that gives my life meaning, and I never even talked with him about it. Actually, the sad truth is, I never even thought about telling him about Jesus' death and resurrection, about the hope of a life redeemed. And I think that bothers me the most. Why wouldn't I think about it? What is wrong with me?
Now, I am not saying he isn't a believer. I am saying I don't know where he stands, we never talked about it. Never. And he isn't the only person that comes to mind that I know and have not shared Christ with. Time is drawing near, really none of us have a guarantee of our next moment. Makes me think of a conversation I had with my Jennah when she was just a little girl.
We were snuggling down for the night and she asked me when Jesus was going to be coming back. I told her that the Bible says that no man knows the day or the hour. (Matthew 24:36) I went on to tell her that this was the reason we always needed to be ready to meet Jesus. She grew quiet for a few minutes as she thought over what I had said to her, and then she asked, "Why don't we just ask some women then?"
Gotta love my Jennah girl! Truth is, none of us know when someone we love is going to be taken from this earth. None of us know when we are going to be called home, and none of us know when Jesus is going to come back, not even any women! We need to stay focused on the task we have before us, the great commission was the last command Jesus gave, "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you..." (Matthew 28:19-20) This was a message near and dear to His heart. If it was important enough to be His last words, then I think we better pay attention! I love the way Peter puts it, "...always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have..." (1 Peter 3:15)
So my challenge today, to myself and to you, is this: who do you know that needs to hear about the hope that lives within you? Think of one person, maybe someone sitting across from you at the Thanksgiving table, and begin praying now that God would give you the opportunity and wisdom to share the best news ever with them. There is no guarantee they will be sitting there at Christmas. Let us make the most of the time God has given us, let Ps 90:12 be your prayer, "Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." While your at it, maybe you could tweet about it, set it as your Facebook status, or work it into your next blog. I just did :)
If you have questions, or aren't sure what I mean when I talk about this hope that lives within me, PLEASE feel free to contact me!
We were snuggling down for the night and she asked me when Jesus was going to be coming back. I told her that the Bible says that no man knows the day or the hour. (Matthew 24:36) I went on to tell her that this was the reason we always needed to be ready to meet Jesus. She grew quiet for a few minutes as she thought over what I had said to her, and then she asked, "Why don't we just ask some women then?"
Gotta love my Jennah girl! Truth is, none of us know when someone we love is going to be taken from this earth. None of us know when we are going to be called home, and none of us know when Jesus is going to come back, not even any women! We need to stay focused on the task we have before us, the great commission was the last command Jesus gave, "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you..." (Matthew 28:19-20) This was a message near and dear to His heart. If it was important enough to be His last words, then I think we better pay attention! I love the way Peter puts it, "...always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have..." (1 Peter 3:15)
So my challenge today, to myself and to you, is this: who do you know that needs to hear about the hope that lives within you? Think of one person, maybe someone sitting across from you at the Thanksgiving table, and begin praying now that God would give you the opportunity and wisdom to share the best news ever with them. There is no guarantee they will be sitting there at Christmas. Let us make the most of the time God has given us, let Ps 90:12 be your prayer, "Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." While your at it, maybe you could tweet about it, set it as your Facebook status, or work it into your next blog. I just did :)
If you have questions, or aren't sure what I mean when I talk about this hope that lives within me, PLEASE feel free to contact me!
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
My Moses Babies
At different points in my life, I have been able to relate to
different people in the Bible. There are times I can relate to Jeremiah,
the weeping prophet, as he mourns over his fellow countrymen turning their
backs on God. Other times when I can relate to David, crying out for
protection from his enemies. And still other times when I can cry out
like Paul "What a wretched man I am!" (Romans 7:24). But never,
have I related more to a person from the Bible than I do with Jochebed, Moses' mother. Jochebed lived during a time when the Israelites
were under the rule of a cruel Egyptian pharaoh. The Pharaoh was
concerned about the strength and number of Israelites and so after trying some other scheme, he orders that every Hebrew baby boy that is born must be
thrown into the Nile River, and that is where Jochebed comes in. Let's
peek in at the story from Exodus chapter 2:1-4
"Now
a man of the tribe of Levi married a Levite woman,(Jochebed) and she became pregnant and gave birth
to a son. When she saw that he was a fine child, she hid him for three
months. But when she could hide him no longer, she got a papyrus basket for him
and coated it with tar and pitch. Then she placed the child in it and put
it among the reeds along the bank of the Nile. His sister (Miriam) stood at a distance to see what
would happen to him." Italics
mine
This is the first part of the story, and what I see is a woman who
loved her baby boy and valued life. She took great risks to protect him.
She hid a baby for 3 months, not an easy task if you consider all the
crying a newborn baby does, and then when she could hide him in her home no
longer, she made a basket and placed him in the Nile River, in a sense obeying
the decree of the Pharaoh, yet with her own added protection. The
struggle that must have been taking place within her, a mother's heart to
protect at all costs and yet knowing the only thing she could do was let go and
trust that God had it under control. Let's look at the rest of the story,
picking it up in verses 5-8
"Then Pharaoh’s daughter went down to the Nile to bathe, and
her attendants were walking along the
riverbank. She saw the basket among the reeds and sent her female
slave to get it. 6 She opened it and saw the
baby. He was crying, and she felt sorry for him. “This is one of the Hebrew
babies,” she said. 7 Then his sister asked Pharaoh’s
daughter, “Shall I go and get one of the Hebrew women to nurse the baby for
you?” 8 “Yes, go,” she answered. So the girl
went and got the baby’s mother. 9 Pharaoh’s
daughter said to her,
“Take this baby and nurse him for me, and I will pay you.” So the woman took the baby and
nursed him. 10 When the child grew older, she took him to Pharaoh’s daughter and he
became her son. She named him Moses, saying, “I
drew him out of the water.”
Ultimately, Jochebed's prayers were answered, Moses' life was spared and she even got to love on him, nurse him and just as an added bonus, she got paid to do it! Now isn't that just like God to see Jochebed's heart and sprinkle in his favor. Of course, as each day passed, Jochebed knew that their time together was more and more limited. She knew that eventually she would have to surrender her baby again when it was time for him to go live with Pharaoh's daughter. What she didn't know at that point, is that God was going to use Moses to deliver the Israelites from bondage. He was putting the pieces together even as Jochebed rocked her sweet baby boy and with tears streaming down her cheeks, she sang him lullabies. She just didn't know it. No one did, except of course, God.
In the last four and a half years, I have come to understand Jochebed's plight at a deep level. God has delievered 3 Moses babies to our home. Many of you know that I have the privilege of raising my niece and 2 nephews, and in some ways their journey is much like Moses, and my heart feels much like Jochebed's. You see, legally, these babies aren't mine, I have been chosen to care for them, to love on them and in every sense, to be their momma. But...legally, well legally, that is a different story. In fact, the birth parents still, after almost 5 years, have more rights than I do to these babies. And each day that goes by, may be a day closer to them being part of our forever family, or may be a day closer to them returning to the birth family. I want to hold tightly to them, to hide them away in hopes of not being discovered, but the truth is, I cannot. So, like Jochebed, I am forced to make a basket, to line it with tar, and to place them in it, hoping they will be rescued and returned to me, but unaware of the long term plan. Only God knows that.
It was only a year ago, when I literally had to release one of
these babies. My, then 11 month old nephew was ordered to "return
home." It was with great weeping and a deep sorrow, sorrow unlike any I had
known before, that I packed up his belongings and placed him into that basket in
the Nile. I was terrified, "The crocodiles may consume him," I
argued with God. I begged God to intervene, I believed God was going to
step in before I had to let him go, but the day came and I was forced, against
everything in me, to put this sweet baby in the care of people I knew would not
love or protect him, and walk away. Actually, more accurately, to be drug
away. I wonder if Jochebed had to be drug away as she turned Moses over?
God provided a Miriam though, for this sweet baby boy. You
see, the court for my niece, had not agreed that she should be returned
"home" so instead she began unsupervised visits and then would return
here to our care. While she was on a visit, she could watch out for her
brother and report back to us on how he was doing. Then, one night she
returned home with the saddest of all tales, not for her brother but for her.
As I was bathing her and getting her ready for bed, I saw that she had been injured. I cannot go into detail about the injury except to say that it was significant. The realm of emotions I felt in that moment are indescribable.
As I tenderly washed her and questioned her, I could see that this wound
went straight to her sweet, little heart. She was frightened at what she
had experienced, and afraid for her brother who had remained in the Nile, while
she had gotten to come home. Even now as I write this, fresh tears spring
to my eyes, and fresh questions. I do not understand why she had to go
through this, and why God didn't work this out in a different way. I
wonder if Miriam was afraid as she sat and watched over Moses? Was she
full of fear as she approached the Pharaoh's daughter?
44 days after placing our baby boy in the Nile, he came home.
He was removed from the birth home and welcomed back into our house.
It was with great celebration, as you can imagine, but also with
heartache at knowing what his sister had had to endure, and not knowing what all he
had endured. And now, a year later, and a new baby added to the mix, we
are still uncertain of if or when someone will tell us we have to send any of
these three babies home. It is still very much a reality, one that often
robs me of sleep. Oh I understand the heart of Jochebed! How many
nights did she walk the floor, checking and double checking on her baby,
uncertain of their future together. How many tears did she shed at the
uncertainty of all that lie ahead of them. And I wonder if she again had tears streaming down her
cheeks as she sang him lullabies?
This side of heaven, we will not know exactly what Jochebed was
feeling, but we do know that she must have spent her days filling Moses' head
with the knowledge of God, of who He was and what He could do. We know
this because as Moses grew, He walked with God. When God appeared
to him in the burning bush, he knew it was the great "I AM."
So I am taking notes from Jochebed, really none of us know what tomorrow
holds, we only have the promise of this moment right now. Let's use the
time we have wisely, let's train up our babies to know and love the Lord.
Let's hold each moment precious, and try not to waste this moment being
anxious about what the next moment may bring. Oh trust me, I know that is
easier said than done, but really it is all we can do because though we don't
know the long term plan, God does. And I trust that He loves me, that He loves
these babies even more than I do, and that He's "got this." So sing those lullabies, even if tears are streaming down your face as you do!
Would love to hear your thoughts!
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Who Am I?
Here I am again, knee deep in laundry, diapers, and chaos. It is days like this that make me miss teaching. Sure, I am still working with kids, but there is a beginning to each day, and an ending. Not like here.
Here my day starts with a loud "Mom!" alarming over the baby monitor and end?? It never really ends. Oh I fall into bed sometime between 10:30 and midnight. I am always exhausted by the time I hit the pillow but my brain doesn't shut off as easily as my body wishes it would! I mull over the day, the things I have accomplished, the things I was suppose to accomplish. I think about tomorrow, what will need to be done and make a mental checklist. This is usually the time I beat myself up for all my shortcomings as well. If only I had.... But eventually slumber finds me and long before I am ready, the day begins again.
I really don't mind it most days, I truly cherish the opportunity I have to stay at home with my kids. But, if I am honest, there are times I feel a bit lost in it all. I have been doing this parenting thing a long time, in fact my oldest is 18. But, I also have a long way to go, as my youngest isn't quite 9 months old yet! Maybe lost isn't the right word...forgotten? Maybe that is a better way to put it. What I mean is, I am not sure who I am...oh I am a momma and pastor's wife, a daughter and sister, but beyond that. I use to say that I was a teacher, and I guess I still am, but the pay (at least monetarily speaking) is significantly less than it use to be! No, maybe lost was the right word. It seems that I have somehow lost my purpose. I had big dreams, I was going to be somebody....someday, but here I am in my 40's already and I am still not sure who I am.
When I was young, I always knew I wanted to be a teacher. By the time I graduated high school, I had a plan. I worked 40 hours a week in college, plus took a full class load, to pay my way through. After 5 years, a little behind schedule, I did it! I graduated from WIU with a bachelor's degree in Elementary Education. I even managed to graduate "Cum laude," which was no small feat considering I was 9 months pregnant with Jeremiah! I was off and running, full steam ahead toward my goal! I landed the first job I interviewed for and Jerry and I settled down in Galesburg, Illinois to start the life I had planned.
There was just one problem though...life kept getting in the way of my plan. I only taught two years before my plan was unraveling and I had more questions than I had answers about what lie ahead for us. As I look back now, I can clearly see the hand of God moving in all of the circumstances that went against what I thought should be happening. Funny thing I realize now is that I never once, not one time, stopped to ask God what His plan was for me. Oh I asked Him to bless my plan, to move the obstacles that popped up obstructing me from what I had in mind, but I never even paused to seek His face. Time marched on, my older four children grew, and I once again entered the working world. It seemed to finally all be making sense and and my plan was back on track.
Then four years ago this past July, my plan began to crumble again. Long story short, I became a momma again to a 9 month old baby girl, and then 2 years ago, to a brand new baby boy, and then 8 months ago, another baby boy blessed our home. These precious babies, were not a part of Jerry and I's plan. Thankfully we were a little smarter by now though and able to realize that they were a part of what God had planned for us. The words of Proverbs 16:9 resonate deep within my heart, "In his heart, a man plans his way, but the Lord directs his step."
Still, from time to time when the diapers threatened to overtake me, I again find myself struggling with the question, who am I? A master diaperer? Chef? Laundry specialist? "Just" a stay at home mom? I forget to ask God what His plan in all of this is. I know He has a plan for me, Jeremiah 29:11 promises me that. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." I know I am His child, a daughter of the King of Kings, but somehow in the day to day chaos that doesn't feel like enough. Then yesterday I was at the park with my 5 year old. It was her birthday and we were enjoying a few minutes of play. She began to chatter, all about how Jesus loves her and died on the cross for her sins. How Jesus is God's son, and on and on about true Scriptural things. My friend, Julie, was with me and had been listening to me wrestle through the who am I question. She repeated back some of the things my sweet girl had just said, and then reminded me that being her mommy, was exactly enough. Exactly what God had planned for me at this time and suddenly I knew the answer. Who am I?? I am the momma to 7 sweet blessing that God will use to change the world, after all they will take after their momma (and Dad!)
Here my day starts with a loud "Mom!" alarming over the baby monitor and end?? It never really ends. Oh I fall into bed sometime between 10:30 and midnight. I am always exhausted by the time I hit the pillow but my brain doesn't shut off as easily as my body wishes it would! I mull over the day, the things I have accomplished, the things I was suppose to accomplish. I think about tomorrow, what will need to be done and make a mental checklist. This is usually the time I beat myself up for all my shortcomings as well. If only I had.... But eventually slumber finds me and long before I am ready, the day begins again.
I really don't mind it most days, I truly cherish the opportunity I have to stay at home with my kids. But, if I am honest, there are times I feel a bit lost in it all. I have been doing this parenting thing a long time, in fact my oldest is 18. But, I also have a long way to go, as my youngest isn't quite 9 months old yet! Maybe lost isn't the right word...forgotten? Maybe that is a better way to put it. What I mean is, I am not sure who I am...oh I am a momma and pastor's wife, a daughter and sister, but beyond that. I use to say that I was a teacher, and I guess I still am, but the pay (at least monetarily speaking) is significantly less than it use to be! No, maybe lost was the right word. It seems that I have somehow lost my purpose. I had big dreams, I was going to be somebody....someday, but here I am in my 40's already and I am still not sure who I am.
When I was young, I always knew I wanted to be a teacher. By the time I graduated high school, I had a plan. I worked 40 hours a week in college, plus took a full class load, to pay my way through. After 5 years, a little behind schedule, I did it! I graduated from WIU with a bachelor's degree in Elementary Education. I even managed to graduate "Cum laude," which was no small feat considering I was 9 months pregnant with Jeremiah! I was off and running, full steam ahead toward my goal! I landed the first job I interviewed for and Jerry and I settled down in Galesburg, Illinois to start the life I had planned.
There was just one problem though...life kept getting in the way of my plan. I only taught two years before my plan was unraveling and I had more questions than I had answers about what lie ahead for us. As I look back now, I can clearly see the hand of God moving in all of the circumstances that went against what I thought should be happening. Funny thing I realize now is that I never once, not one time, stopped to ask God what His plan was for me. Oh I asked Him to bless my plan, to move the obstacles that popped up obstructing me from what I had in mind, but I never even paused to seek His face. Time marched on, my older four children grew, and I once again entered the working world. It seemed to finally all be making sense and and my plan was back on track.
Then four years ago this past July, my plan began to crumble again. Long story short, I became a momma again to a 9 month old baby girl, and then 2 years ago, to a brand new baby boy, and then 8 months ago, another baby boy blessed our home. These precious babies, were not a part of Jerry and I's plan. Thankfully we were a little smarter by now though and able to realize that they were a part of what God had planned for us. The words of Proverbs 16:9 resonate deep within my heart, "In his heart, a man plans his way, but the Lord directs his step."
Still, from time to time when the diapers threatened to overtake me, I again find myself struggling with the question, who am I? A master diaperer? Chef? Laundry specialist? "Just" a stay at home mom? I forget to ask God what His plan in all of this is. I know He has a plan for me, Jeremiah 29:11 promises me that. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." I know I am His child, a daughter of the King of Kings, but somehow in the day to day chaos that doesn't feel like enough. Then yesterday I was at the park with my 5 year old. It was her birthday and we were enjoying a few minutes of play. She began to chatter, all about how Jesus loves her and died on the cross for her sins. How Jesus is God's son, and on and on about true Scriptural things. My friend, Julie, was with me and had been listening to me wrestle through the who am I question. She repeated back some of the things my sweet girl had just said, and then reminded me that being her mommy, was exactly enough. Exactly what God had planned for me at this time and suddenly I knew the answer. Who am I?? I am the momma to 7 sweet blessing that God will use to change the world, after all they will take after their momma (and Dad!)
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