Easter, Sacrifice and Lessons Relearned

Déjà vu- that is what I am experiencing this weekend, that feeling that I have already been here, seen this and done this.  Sometimes that feeling can be a good one, like bringing home a newborn child, or a worship time where you really connected with God. And other times, that feeling of deja vu can be less pleasant, like the actual birth of that newborn child, or a trip to the dentist.

The deja vu I am having is so deja vu(ey) I have even blogged about it before. The trouble is, I must be a slow learner and so the Lord is allowing me to walk this road again and (re)learn the lesson.  What lesson is that?  Well, I'm glad you asked.

Just this past Friday I received a phone call from the social service agency who we work with.  It was to inform me that two of the four of these precious babies were suddenly going to start overnight visits, beginning this Sunday and running through Tuesday.  There was no warning, and to say the least it sent our world spinning.  My momma tiger heart was racing and there was really nothing I could do about it.  Well, except pray and...

And what Marla?  Why is it that we feel like we have to do more than pray?  Maybe it is my Type A personality, or a lack of faith, or just a restless momma heart, but to simply just pray about it seems just that, too simple.

But is it?  I think back to the first Easter season, the night before Jesus was to be beaten and killed.  What did he do?  I bet you already know what I am going to say, but let's take a peek at the Matthew 26:36-39:

 ^"Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”  Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”


He prayed.  He sat in the garden surrounded by his closest, albeit sleepy, friends and cried out to the Lord. 

Of course I still feel the need to argue my case, remember I said I was a slow learner.  So here is a glimpse at my conversation with God...

Me-"But Jesus knew what tomorrow was going to look like, I don't"

God-Knowing what tomorrow holds sometimes is harder than just trusting that I will be there, no matter what happens. Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."

Me-"But I've worked so hard to keep these kids safe, how can I just let go?  Do you know how hard that is?"

God- Marla, you silly girl, I've got this. Psalm 37:7 "Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way,Because of the man who carries out wicked schemes."

 Me-"But I am so afraid, how can you say to rest?  All I can think about are the what if's."

God-If I am for you then who can be against you?  Psalm 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid?"

Me-"Do you know how hard this is?"

God-Did you forget that I sent my son, my one and only son, to a cruel and hateful world?  A world that would despise and reject him? A world that would mistreat and kill him?  I've been in your shoes.  I sat back and watched my son suffer agony and chose to allow it.  (Matthew 27)

Me- "How could you do that?  I can't, there is no way I can walk this road you are asking me to travel."

God- I did it because I loved you, enough to make a sacrifice, it was the only way.  John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believes in him will have everlasting life."

God- and one more thing, you CAN do this.  Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."

As you can see, God is pretty wise.  I have spent my weekend fretting about things that I truly have no control over.  I know you won't be surprised to hear that the overnight visit....well, it got cancelled (oh ye of little faith!) and we have court in the morning to determine what direction the next few days and months will take.  I would be lying to say that I am resting easy and not fretting a bit about tomorrow. However, I am trying...and isn't that all any of us can do?
I will leave you with two verses,

Isaiah 26:3, "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast,
    because they trust in you."

and  

Psalm 37: 5-6 "Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun."

 Trying to SHINE, 
Marla

How do you do it?

Recently, I asked my friends on Facebook to suggest some topics for my blog.  Several people suggested that I talk about organization and making the most of our time with our kids.  It is not my typical style but I am going to give it a whirl.  So without further ado...

How do you do it all?  This is a question I get asked a lot, and it is a question I am not 100% sure how to answer. As many of you know, I am the momma of 8 precious babies (ages 19-9 months, a Pastor's wife, I have a weekly radio show that I co-host (Growing Stronger Together), I have the privilege of running an annual women's conference(Shine Ministries), and just this year I returned to the world of teaching.  So, yes, I am busy but the truth is, we all are busy.  And, we all have the same 24 hours in our day.  We are all faced with the same choices on how we are going to spend them. I do not claim to be an expert on time management or organization but I have learned a few things along the way so my next few blogs will be some of the things that work for our family. 

Menu planning

This is probably my most useful tool.  It not only saves time but it saves money.  I plan our menus from month to month.  I know that may seem overwhelming, and if so start with a week or two at a time and work your way up.  Here's how I work it.  First, I print a blank calendar for the month.  I only plan suppers as that is our main meal.  I don't usually write down the side dishes unless I want something specific.  Next, I always try to introduce two new recipes to my family each month so I will start with putting them on the menu on days I know I will have some extra time in the evening.  Then I focus in on Tuesdays.  In the fall and winter, I plan a different soup for every Tuesday (Chili,Cheeseburger, Taco, stuffed pepper, etc.)  In the spring and summer, I plan salads on Tuesdays (chef, taco, chicken, etc.)  After I get my Tuesdays settled, I take it week by week, I add a chicken dish each week, an Italian dish, some family favorites, and before you know it the month is full.  I do plan every Sunday as leftovers, since we get home so late from church on Sundays.  It also helps clean out the fridge for the next week.  Another time saver here is that I store all leftovers in glass containers so that when I get up Sunday, I take off all lids, set the oven on 200* and when we get home from church everything is ready to eat.  

After I have the menu planned, I use it to write my grocery list.  I do all my major shopping once a month and buy in bulk which helps save money.  I also buy 10 gallons of milk at a time and freeze them.  This lasts two weeks if I am lucky!  I do have to make a trip back to the store after about two weeks for more milk, bread, eggs, yogurt, fruit...things like that, but it is a quick trip. I honestly feed my family for under $400 a month.  

     Menu planning also helps with our day to day.  When I get up in the morning, I already know what I am going to cook for supper.  I either get things going in the crock pot or at the very least, get the meat out to thaw, and set things I need out on the counter.  That way when I get home, I am already set to get things going, which helps me stick to the plan.
     Of course, life isn't as predictable as we would like it to be and sometimes our plans change.  It is good to be flexible and allow for this!  If for some reason I end up not cooking a planned meal, I circle it on the calendar.  That way I know that I already have all the ingredients for that meal and can just write it o the next month.
 Goodness, I hope that all makes sense and it is something you find useful.  This isn't my typical blog so I am a bit out of my comfort zone here.  I guess I am writing in the spirit of Ephesians 4:9-12 says it best, 

"Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor:
¹⁰ If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
    and has no one to help them up.
¹¹ Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
    But how can one keep warm alone?
¹² Though one may be overpowered,
    two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

So , here's hoping this was of some use to you!  If you have questions or comments I would love to hear them!

Happy Planning, Marla

"Just a Foster Parent????"

I'll admit, when we first embarked on this foster parent journey, we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.  Already having four biological kids ages 9, 11,12, and 14, we didn't set out to be foster parents on purpose.  I mean we are crazy but not THAT crazy!  However, after my nephew Kyle was killed my husband and I both agreed that we would take a stand against child abuse in any way we could.

That is exactly what happen and in July of 2008, we became "foster parents" for the first time.  We received a call from the Department of Children and Family Services asking if we would agree to allow my niece to come stay with us for "awhile."  Five and a half years and 3 more kids later, we found ourselves in the role of foster parents.

The journey has not been an easy one.

It is not for the faint of heart.



We have learned many things along the way and even though I did not give birth to these last four blessings, they are every bit as loved as my biological children.  I guess that is why it makes me so angry.  It happened again the other day, just before Christmas.

I was on the phone with an agency, regarding a current concern for one of the little ones and the professional (I am being generous here) on the other end of the phone made this statement, "Ma'am, you need to remember that you are JUST A FOSTER PARENT."

I knew I needed to wrap up the conversation before my sinful nature came ripping through, but she just kept going and before I knew it I was uncontainable.  I took a deep breath and responded, "Ma'am, please tell me that you did not just say that I am JUST A FOSTER PARENT, because I believe I am so much more than that."

She asked a loaded question, "Well then, what else are you beside a foster parent."

In all fairness, she asked and it would be rude to leave her question unanswered.

"For starters, I am their aunt, but beyond that, by your own agency's standards, I am an advocate for the children in my care.  I believe that is not only my role, but it is my responsibility as outlined by your policies." I was ready to reload and keep shooting when I came to my senses and realized I could go on for days and it wouldn't change a thing.  So this Momma Tiger retracted her claws and finished up the conversation.

But here it is a month later and it is still bothering me.  Since this latest encounter, I have been toying around with the idea or writing a job description of sorts for everyone out there who is  "JUST A FOSTER PARENT," and since I am up rocking an overtired three year old, tonight seems like the perfect night, so here goes!

Foster Parent Job Description

I am a boo boo kisser- and sometimes the boo boo's have been caused by the senseless behavior of adults who should know better.

I am a rocker, lullaby singer, bad dream chaser -and sometimes those dreams have very real roots.

I am a chauffeur- and sometimes that means driving these babies to places they are afraid to go.

I am a counselor- and sometimes that means having your heart broken into millions of pieces as you listen to the very real fears and feelings of someone so young.

I am an expert at self control- and sometimes that means biting your tongue when you want to criticize the biological parents, or holding back tears until you get behind closed doors.

I am an advocate, all children need someone to be their voice when they cannot be heard- and sometimes this means going to court, hiring your own lawyer, writing letters to judges, governors, and anyone else who will listen.

I am a repairer(with Jesus help, of course)- and sometimes that means more than fixing toys, sometimes that means rebuilding a little person that someone else has broken. 

I am a homework helper- and sometimes that means figuring out how to fill in family tree projects and answering questions harder than those on the SAT.

I am a record keeper- and sometimes this means more than scrapbooking the typical childhood milestones, it means blending what was with what is.  It means documenting odd statements and conversations, every mark or bruise before and after a visit, reporting anything out of the ordinary in just the right balance so it doesn't seem that you are making mountains out of molehills.

I am a promise keeper-and never has it been so critical to keep your word so that you can earn the trust of someone who has learned not to trust.
  Like every parent, I am a nurse, a maid, a referee, a hairdresser, a made to order chef, a launderer, teacher, entertainer, event planner, hugger, hand holder but most of all...

I am a prayer warrior- and sometimes that means standing in the gap when it would be easier to throw in the towel and run away. 

 
This description is similar to those mom job descriptions you have probably seen, that is because being a good foster mom (parent) and being a good mom (parent), are really one in the same.  There is no distinction between the two...there cannot be if you want to raise healthy kids, "foster" or "biological."  If you do the job right, labels like these will be indistinguishable.

I'll admit, when we first embarked on this journey, I was not sure we could do it.  I feared that I could not love someone else's child as much as those I had given birth to.

I was wrong.  I have learned that it is not giving birth to a child that causes you to love them unconditionally.  It is something unexplainable, much like the unconditional love of God.  It is not something earned or bought...it is just there, free, and for the taking. 

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters,"  Colossians 3:23,

Thanks for reading, as always, I love to hear your comments or questions. 

In the Midst of Darkness

Have you ever been in absolute darkness?  The kind that is so thick that you are afraid to take a step in any direction?  Where, no matter how hard you try, your eyes will not adjust?  That is where I seem to be standing these days.

I think that it is fear that has brought this darkness.  Fear of what lies ahead, fear of the what if's and the how's.  For almost six years now, my family and I have been on a journey.  The road has been long, and often times treacherous, but never has it seemed as dark as it has in these last 2 months.  In November  of this year, we were suppose to be celebrating the end of this journey, or at the very least a significant marker toward the end.  Instead, our entire world was flipped upside down and everything we thought we saw God doing seem to have slipped away. I am afraid that God is not writing the story the way I wanted it written.

A few weeks ago, in the midst of this disorienting darkness, God reminded me that it is faith and not fear that should govern my days.  I was at church with my family teaching Wednesday night Bible study.  I had just started the DVD when my 6 year old asked for a drink.  Not wanting to disturb everyone else, I grabbed her hand and led her out of the sanctuary and into the next room.  I did not want to turn on the light as I was afraid it would be a distraction.  So we walked hand and hand through the darkness toward the kitchen.  In her sweet gentle voice my daughter spoke, "Mommy I am scared."

I responded, "Honey, there is nothing to worry about.  I have your hand and I have walked this path a million times.  I do not need a light to find my way."

"But Mommy, I don't know how to get to there in the dark."

"Sweetheart, I do.  You just need to trust me.  I know where we are going and I would never let you go somewhere that isn't safe."

She squeezed my hand and skipped along beside me as we continued our journey toward the kitchen, with complete faith that I would get her safely where she needed to go.

And then it hit me...God and I had been having this exact conversation,

"God, I am scared."

"Beloved, there is nothing to worry about.  I have your hand and I have walked this path a million times. I am the light in the midst of this darkness."

"But God, I don't know how to get to there in the dark."

"Sweet daughter of mine, I do.  You just need to trust me.  I know where we are going and I would never let you go somewhere that isn't safe."

And now the choice was up to me.  Would I respond with child like faith or would I continue to drag my feet along the path, lost and confused in my fear? Really this is a daily choice we all must make.  Life is full of uncertainties and unfamiliar, dark paths.  As I think back on some of my heroes in the Bible, I am certain they were faced with this very same choice.  Would Abraham stay in his homeland for fear of what lie ahead in the unknown?  Would Joseph, kick and scream and demand justice in the midst of uncertainty and the darkness of family betrayal?  Would Mary hide in fear when the angel came to tell her she had been chosen for this unimaginable miracle?  Well, each of these people stepped forward in faith rather than allowing themselves to be ruled by fear.

Makes me think of the Scripture I memorized as a little girl from Psalm 23 verses 4-6, "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.  You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over.  Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever!"

So today, at least right now for this moment, I am choosing to walk by faith and not by sight (2 Cor. 5:7), because I know that, even though it is dark, God will not let go of my hand and He has walked this road before.  If you, like me, find yourself in the midst of darkness I hope you will join me.

Praying with you, Marla

Knock It Off!...Oh Wait, You're talking to Me?

It happened again, it always happens.  I guess I can't blame people.  I guess I should be use to it.  But, I'm not.  Sometimes I can laugh about it, actually most of the time.  I can handle the stares, and smile back in response.  But, the comments...well I am not as graceful about those.

I have a big family, (8 children, 2 parents, sum total=10).  When we all go out in public together it is quite a sight.  It is no wonder people stare. Some of the bolder population will even ask me, "Are they all yours?" 

I can handle those questions with grace, because I realize we are a bit of a spectacle and that big families are not that common these days.  Recently, however, I was at a restaurant with 5 of my children, 1 teen and my 4 little ones.  Immediately upon being seated, I felt the stares and saw the pointing finger whispering.  I smiled, passed out sippie cups and french fries and went about my own business.  My precious, "I don't like restaurants, high chairs, or sitting" 20 month old began to tap the table with his cup.  It truly wasn't loud and I decided that it wasn't worth the battle and continued eating.  Unfortunately the whispering diner just down from our table, the one who needed to work on her whispering skills, yeah, well she thought it was a big deal.  She smiled at her family, nodded at her sleeping infant in the carseat next to her and stated in a fake whisper, "I'm glad my kids aren't like that."

The hair stood up on the back of my neck and my eye began to twitch.  I thought to myself two things. 1- I'm glad your kid isn't like this because clearly you wouldn't have the patience to deal with it and 2- Your kid isn't like this YET....but just you wait.

Now neither of those responses are very Godly.  Neither would display the command of Jesus from Matthew 5:43, "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." But I justified my thoughts by saying to myself, "Well I am not as bad as her.  At least I didn't say out loud what I was thinking."  I was still steaming about this lady's comments as I drove home from our outing.  I was discussing it with my teen, when I realized that my thoughts and attitudes toward this woman who had "judged" me, were every bit as mean and ugly as her words.  I began to think about all the Scriptures in the New Testament where it was recorded that, "Jesus knew their thoughts."

Geesh!  Next thing you know, I was convicted.  I realized that I am responsible for my attitudes and actions, not the whispering diner's.  I realized that it has to start somewhere...the no more judging, no more comparing, no more criticizing.  It has to stop!

Well God has a funny way of working and the next thing you know I get an email in my inbox from Hearts at Home's founder, Jill Savage.  Want to guess what it was about?  Well, it was all about this very thing.  It was an invitation to take the Knock It Off Commitment.  This commitment included the following pledges:

• Giving myself grace when I make mistakes.
• Extending grace to other moms when they make mistakes.
• Offering other moms the benefit of the doubt instead of jumping to judgmental conclusions.
• Recognizing that I cannot be and will never be a perfect mom.
• Refusing the temptation to judge when other moms make different choices than I make.
• Embracing differences instead of criticizing them.
• Resisting the urge to compare my insides to other women’s outsides.
• Making strides in honesty with other moms and living an authentic life.
• Doing my part to stop the mommy wars, one “Knock It Off” decision at a time.

So how about it?  Is this an area you struggle with also?  If so, are you willing to take the pledge with me?  Maybe we could start a whole new revolution.  I wonder what the world would be like if we all stopped criticizing and comparing and started helping each other out instead?  What if we truly loved our neighbor as our self?   What if we saw ourselves and others through the eyes of our gracious and loving Savior?  Will you join me?  Just head on over to the page Hearts at Home and sign up! 

Questions or thoughts?  You know I love to hear them!

The Other Side of Welfare

I am 42 years old and I can still feel the judgement in their eyes...

I grew up on welfare...I was a child, but I knew I was different, I knew people didn't like me. I knew the disdain the teachers and students felt toward me because I was a "free lunch kid."

I felt less than when we got our government cheese and butter.  I knew people were judging us as we cashed in our food stamps for the much needed groceries.

I was a child, I didn't have a choice.  But I promised myself that when I grew up, my kids were not ever going to know the judgement I felt by being a free lunch kid.  I promised that I wouldn't allow my kids to be on the medical card, and have to feel unwelcomed because of it. I was going to get out there and work as hard as I could so that I would never have to be in that situation again.

And work I did, I paid my way through college, working 40 hours or more a week as a CNA, and taking a full load of classes, all the while whistling Travis Tritt's, "I'm gonna be somebody, one of these days I'm gonna break these chains..."  I was on track to graduate with honors from college and I then I would be set, well on my way of breaking out of the welfare cycle.

But then, life happened.  I was newly married, student teaching and working hard on my anti-welfare plan when I found out I was pregnant.  Jerry and I had no insurance and though I went kicking and screaming, I had to get the medical card in order to get proper care for the baby.  I was humbled, but still proud.  I refused food stamps and cash assistance, though we easily qualified for both.  I kept working hard and by the time Jeremiah was born, I had my first teaching job all lined up and we were finally on our way...

I could keep on typing here, sharing with you the adventures and misadventures of our life, all the events that have landed us where we are today, but I will spare you the gory details...and just bring the story to the present.

Last year, after being laid off, I had to apply for free lunches for my kids.  It was humiliating and painful.  I even had to get the medical card.  I sat outside their office for more than a half and hour sobbing before I could bring myself to go in and apply for the needed help.  It was my momma's heart that finally mustered up enough courage to go inside, and I ended up having to leave before I finished filling out all the paperwork, because I was sick to my stomach.  The judgmental eyes from my youth were haunting me.

I am only able now to share this story because I am once again working, and we no longer need free lunch or medical assistance.  I am sharing this story not just for me, but for all of the people out there who are on "welfare."  As I have shared in my blogs from the past, I am raising my niece and three of my nephews, because they are wards of the state, they automatically qualified for the medical card.  I cannot tell you how many times I have received dirty looks or even been the recipient of unkind words because of this, especially because I have 8 kids.  People assume we are just living off the system.  Those comments are hurtful to me, but even worse, they hurt my children.  So I am taking this opportunity to speak on behalf of them and ask all of you to please remember:

1.  A family's income is never the responsibility or fault of any child. 

2.  Not everyone is "taking advantage of the system." Some people are just going through a rough patch.  Sure some people are, there is no doubt of that, but not everyone is. 

3.  Don't judge a book by its cover, just because someone has 8 kids and has the medical card doesn't mean they are living irresponsibly.

4. Smile at the next person you see using their food stamps (link card), you may be the only kind face they see all day.

5.Treat everyone with the kindness and respect you would want extended to your children or family members.

Really all of this can be summed up simply by following the Golden Rule given to us by Jesus himself in Luke 6:31, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Questions or comments?  As always I would love to hear them!

The Dash

Marla Graham
1971-20??
Other than the fact that, if you do the math, now you know how old I am, what is significant about the above words and dates? Well, I hope a lot!

You see someday those words are going to be chiseled into a piece of granite marking the place where my body will be lain. Now I am hoping that day is a long way off, but even more I am hoping the time represented between 1971 and 20?? will be worthy. I am hoping that I can keep from getting so caught up in the day to day that I forget to keep my “eye on the prize” (Philippians 3:14) It is so easy to get distracted by today’s troubles or responsibilities but if we could keep an eternal perspective I think when it is all said and done our Savior meets us at those pearly gates we will hear the words, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” 
A few months ago my friend, Julie sent me the following poem that sums up exactly what I am trying to say.

The Dash
By Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end

He noted that first came her date of birth 
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time 
That she spend alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little time was worth.

For it matters not, how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time if left,
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real,
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy's being read
With your life's actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

So how about it? How are you spending your dash? Especially as we enter this busy back to school season I want to challenge you to “just slow down enough To consider what's true and real, And always try to understand The way other people feel. And be less quick to anger, And show appreciation more And love the people in our lives Like we've never loved before.”