Living Sacrifice

Well the day has arrived, actually the week has arrived.  Today we have court for what we had hoped would be to be able to intervene and begin moving toward adoption on all 4 of our blessings.  Then on Wednesday, we will begin the proceedings for 2 of them toward termination.  However, with great frustration we were told that our petition to intervene and for full custody has been continued...oh how I hate that word, "continued."

Instead, there has been a petition entered to remove all three boys from our home and now, that is what court is in regards to today.  I have been anxious for days about this.  I have whined to the Lord that this battle has been raging for 6 long years.  I reminded him that I am tired and that enough is enough.  I pointed to their sweet faces and pointed out that they needed permanency and we all had hoped to be able to enjoy our summer without all this drama.  I kicked, I screamed...and God did what any good parent would do.  He reminded me in His gentle way that He was in charge and not me.

He has been speaking to me through verses and various words of encouragement from friends, but then in church yesterday He was finally able to shake me from my tantrum.  It happened during praise and worship.  We were singing Matt Redman's song, "Lay Me Down."  Some of the lyrics read,

I lay me down I'm not on my own
I belong to You alone
Lay me down, lay me down
Hand on my heart, this much is true
There's no life apart from You
Lay me down, lay me down
Lay me down, lay me down

Letting go of my pride
Giving up all my rights
Take this life and let it shine
Take this life and let it shine

It will be my joy to say
Your will, Your way
It will be my joy to say
Your will, Your way
It will be my joy to say
Your will, Your way
Always

As I was singing the lyrics I began to wrestle with whether or not it was my joy to say, "Your will, Your way."  I realized what I truly had been saying is, "My will, my way."  It reminded me of the Scripture from Romans 12:1-2, "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

Years ago, I was in a Bible study where we were discussing this very passage and an older gentleman remarked, "The problem with a living sacrifice is that it keeps crawling off the altar."   Certainly that seems to be the case for me here.  Six years ago when we began this journey, I committed our path to the Lord.  I promised to love each of these babies and told God we would walk this path with Him, wherever it lead. I committed to being a living sacrifice.  

Did I know then how hard this would be?  No.  

Did I know then how long the battle would rage on?  No.

Does it matter?  No

Is God good?  Yes!

Does He love me?  Yes!

Does He love these babies?  Yes!

So this morning, as we prepare for court, I am going to (try to) get back up on that altar and be the living sacrifice I committed to being long ago.  Here's hoping I don't crawl back off the altar!

Prayers?  Questions?  Please feel free to contact me!   

Easter, Sacrifice and Lessons Relearned

Déjà vu- that is what I am experiencing this weekend, that feeling that I have already been here, seen this and done this.  Sometimes that feeling can be a good one, like bringing home a newborn child, or a worship time where you really connected with God. And other times, that feeling of deja vu can be less pleasant, like the actual birth of that newborn child, or a trip to the dentist.

The deja vu I am having is so deja vu(ey) I have even blogged about it before. The trouble is, I must be a slow learner and so the Lord is allowing me to walk this road again and (re)learn the lesson.  What lesson is that?  Well, I'm glad you asked.

Just this past Friday I received a phone call from the social service agency who we work with.  It was to inform me that two of the four of these precious babies were suddenly going to start overnight visits, beginning this Sunday and running through Tuesday.  There was no warning, and to say the least it sent our world spinning.  My momma tiger heart was racing and there was really nothing I could do about it.  Well, except pray and...

And what Marla?  Why is it that we feel like we have to do more than pray?  Maybe it is my Type A personality, or a lack of faith, or just a restless momma heart, but to simply just pray about it seems just that, too simple.

But is it?  I think back to the first Easter season, the night before Jesus was to be beaten and killed.  What did he do?  I bet you already know what I am going to say, but let's take a peek at the Matthew 26:36-39:

 ^"Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”  Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”


He prayed.  He sat in the garden surrounded by his closest, albeit sleepy, friends and cried out to the Lord. 

Of course I still feel the need to argue my case, remember I said I was a slow learner.  So here is a glimpse at my conversation with God...

Me-"But Jesus knew what tomorrow was going to look like, I don't"

God-Knowing what tomorrow holds sometimes is harder than just trusting that I will be there, no matter what happens. Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."

Me-"But I've worked so hard to keep these kids safe, how can I just let go?  Do you know how hard that is?"

God- Marla, you silly girl, I've got this. Psalm 37:7 "Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way,Because of the man who carries out wicked schemes."

 Me-"But I am so afraid, how can you say to rest?  All I can think about are the what if's."

God-If I am for you then who can be against you?  Psalm 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid?"

Me-"Do you know how hard this is?"

God-Did you forget that I sent my son, my one and only son, to a cruel and hateful world?  A world that would despise and reject him? A world that would mistreat and kill him?  I've been in your shoes.  I sat back and watched my son suffer agony and chose to allow it.  (Matthew 27)

Me- "How could you do that?  I can't, there is no way I can walk this road you are asking me to travel."

God- I did it because I loved you, enough to make a sacrifice, it was the only way.  John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believes in him will have everlasting life."

God- and one more thing, you CAN do this.  Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."

As you can see, God is pretty wise.  I have spent my weekend fretting about things that I truly have no control over.  I know you won't be surprised to hear that the overnight visit....well, it got cancelled (oh ye of little faith!) and we have court in the morning to determine what direction the next few days and months will take.  I would be lying to say that I am resting easy and not fretting a bit about tomorrow. However, I am trying...and isn't that all any of us can do?
I will leave you with two verses,

Isaiah 26:3, "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast,
    because they trust in you."

and  

Psalm 37: 5-6 "Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun."

 Trying to SHINE, 
Marla

Sacrifice

Oh goodness it has been rough lately! My niece and nephew, who live in my home, have begun the process of returning to my brothers and my heart feels like it is breaking into a million shards of glass. Some days it is literally all I can do to drag myself out of bed and face the day. Today is one of those days. The kids have their first overnight with my brother, which is the first time they have ever been away from me for a night. To make matters worse, I am not convinced that they will be safe or well cared for while they are gone. My brother's track record is not so great. I had to leave for work today after peeling my niece off of me and telling her it was going to be okay. As I wiped her tears (and my own)and kissed her goodbye, it took every ounce of self control I had not to grab her and run.

With all of this going on, God and I have had quite a few conversations. Well in the mist of my latest fit, God reminded me that He has been where I stand. In fact, He had to send his son, Jesus, away from home too. He had to send him to a cruel, unsafe place. A place where He knew that his son would not be well taken care of. He had to hug and kiss Him goodbye and then go to work. I bet He wanted to grab Him and run the other way.

Instead, God sent his son to live amongst imperfect people. And not just to live amongst them, but to die a cruel and painful death FOR them. This Easter season, like never before, I understand the depth of that sacrifice, how hard it must have been for God to knowingly let go of Jesus.

My heart is breaking, but how much more did God's heart break? But in the well known words of John 3:16, "God so loved the world" (that is you and me, that is my niece and nephew....that is even my brother), "that He gave his only son" (an amazing sacrifice) "that who ever believes in him (Jesus) will have everlasting life." So God endured this heartbreaking pain so that you and I could live forever in Heaven with Him. This Easter season, don't miss that truth of that, don't let Jesus death be for nothing.