I have often prided myself on being pretty genuine. I am definitely a, "What you see is what you get," kind of girl. In fact, if you browse through the blog posts here I hope you will see some of that "realness." However, I realized the other day that, though I am being real, often times I share after I have found some sort of victory, rather than when I am knee deep in the muck and mire of the battle. So today's post is just that, a peek into this messy tiger momma heart of mine.
First, I want to admit that I am a fairly laid back person. I have always said it takes a lot to get me mad...BUT once I am mad, you should probably give me a little space to cool off. There are a few areas that I am particularly "touchy" about, and one of those is my babies. I can go from being a soft, cuddly kitten to a fiery wildcat in just seconds. Well the tiger momma in me has been at the surface all week!
If you have been following my blogs, you know that I have the privilege to be called, "Momma," by 7 beautiful children, and you probably know that 3 of them are actually my niece and nephews. For the past 6 years we have been battling for them in the juvenile court system. It is a system that is absolutely broken and the process is not for the faint of heart. We have had some victories and we have had some defeats. Some major, and some minor, but this week, I feel as if we had a massacre.
I cannot share many details because of confidentiality, but I will share what I can. This week, court was for my 15 month old. He has been in our home since birth. If you know anything about DCFS and the foster care system, then you will know that the focus is on reunifying a child with his/her birth family. This means that sometimes, actually often times, the decisions made are to benefit the parent, with little or no regard to the child involved.
We knew going into court that there was a possibility that the judge would decide that a "return home" goal was appropriate. But, I have been studying and claiming Scripture and I was sure that God was going to do something different. The passage that I have been reading, and read again as we drove to court this week comes from Matthew 18. I have been studying verses 1-11. This passage talks about how valuable children are to God, and tells us that those who cause them harm would be better off having a millstone tied around their neck and being thrown into the depth of the sea. But my favorite verse is 10 which reads, "See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven."
So, as we walked through the court room doors, I was sure that the angels for this sweet baby, had gone before us. I felt like David must have felt as he stepped up to face Goliath. I had my five stones in hand, but I was sure I would only need one as I watched God make this giant tumble.
As you have probably guessed by now, the battle did not go the way I had hoped. The judge decreed that the goal for our baby boy was to remain return home withing 12 months. I was not surprised, we have walked this painful journey before, but I was disappointed. I was just so sure that God was going to give us a miracle. Hmm...makes me think of the Scripture that says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord." (Isaiah 55:8).
I left the court house pretty bruised, but not broken. Honestly? I was pretty mad at God. I know He could have given us the miracle we were hoping for, I knew that it was even in line with what His word, and I was just disappointed. I still know and believe God has a plan, and that there are things happening behind the scenes that I do not see or understand, but the tiger momma in me has spent my week licking my wounds. Then yesterday while I was whining, I remembered this scripture from Romans 5:2b-5, "rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."
What have I learned? To summarize:
1. God is God and I am not!
Yep that summarizes it! Thanks for sharing in this messy journey with me, and for understanding that even a tiger momma has to sometimes (actually always) sit back and let God battle for her!