So You Wanna Change the World...

Deep within my very soul I have always had this incredible yearning to change the world.  Well, I say always, but I am not really sure when this desire awakened within me.  I cannot remember a time when I haven't wanted to be a part of making the world a better place.  Does that sound corny?  Maybe, but I don't know how else to explain it.  I just want to leave the world, and every part of it, better than when I first got there.

I guess that is really our calling as believers of Christ, right?  As we share our faith with others, it is our hope that they will understand what Christ has done for them and join us on the journey.  I am certain that God has placed this desire within me.  I guess the problem is that I don't really think I have been all that successful in this endeavor.

Every time I read my Bible and come across stories like Noah, or Abraham, even the unwilling Jonah, and see how God used them to change the world I can't help but want to be a part of that.   However, every morning when my alarm clock goes off, I muddle through my day and drop back into bed several hours later, not really having done anything significant let alone life changing.

I am not saying that I have never lead anyone into an eternal, life changing relationship with Christ, but it has been a long time since I have had that privilege.  The problem is just that, I can't remember the last time I felt like I was making a difference. 

A few years ago, Natalie Grant released a song entitled, "What Are You Waiting For?"  The chorus is:
                    
                     "So you wanna change the world
                       What are you waiting for
                       You say you're gonna start right now
                       What are you waiting for
                       It only takes one voice
                       So come on now and shout it out
                       Give a little more
                       What are you waiting for"

Every time I hear this song I can't help but puzzle through this dilemma again.  You see, I WANT to change the world, I just can't seem to figure out how and therefore, I don't know what I am waiting for.  I have prayed about it and asked God what it is that he wants me to be doing, but I just can't seem to pinpoint an answer.

Certainly I have had seasons where I can look back and see that I was a part of God's grander plan, but as I stand in church Sunday after Sunday, I can't help but feel stuck.  There have been times when  it feels like I am walking around in a fog.  I spend my days cleaning up toothpaste from sinks, spills from the table, mud from the floors, and none of this seems very life changing.  Occasionally the fog lifts and I am able to see that I am making a difference in small ways with my family.

But, can I be honest?  It just doesn't seem like enough.  There are people walking through life lonely and broken.  There are children who have no one to love them.  There are broken people everywhere and I wish I could figure out how I can be a part of changing their world.

Usually, this is the point in my post where I share some "Ah-ha" moment and wrap things up.  The problem is, I haven't yet had that moment of insight.  I guess all I can leave you with is the challenge that we all have the same calling to change the world, to go out and share Christ, and maybe it is only in looking back that we can see we actually have?  So...you wanna change the world?  What are you waiting for?

Questions?  Comments?  I always love to hear them!
~Marla

Two Empty Seats at My Table

It is early here at the Graham house.  I am the only one awake this early on Thanksgiving Day.  Even our dog, Finley, my constant companion, has chosen sleep over being awake this early.  The turkey is stuffed and I am just beginning to smell the aroma as it begins cooking.  All of the pies are baked and side dishes are prepped.  Everything is ready for our celebration.  Well, almost everything.

It seems my heart is not quite ready for the day.  Traditionally, this day is all about celebrating all the blessings that we have, and being thankful for all that the past year has brought us.  And, that is where the problem comes in for me.  I am finding it difficult to be thankful for the past year.  When I look back at the past year, what I feel the most is not gratefulness at what we have harvested from this year, but rather a deep sadness at what we have lost.  Today as we go about our celebrations, there will be two empty chairs at my table.  Two chairs that should be filled with giggling boys and spilled drinks; filled with silly jokes, shared memories, and way too many sweets.  Instead, what I will feel is their absence, and no matter how hard I try, I just cannot be thankful for that.

Oh, I know I am not the only one with empty chairs at my table.  I guess that is what prompted me to write this blog.  Many of us have suffered the loss of a loved one since last Thanksgiving.  Maybe not in the same way as my family, but loss is loss.   So as I wrestle with these emotions, I am not alone.

You probably know the history of this holiday but let's take a peek back and see if we can learn anything new.  Thanksgiving was first celebrated back in 1621.  The Pilgrims had just harvested their first successful crop of corn and their leader, William Bradford, was pumped!  He sends out a group of hunters so that they can add some meat to their party, and he even extends an invite to the Wampanoag Indians.  They had so much to be thankful for that their feast lasted 3 whole days.

Three days...I am struggling to keep it together for just one day. But that is different,  they had A LOT to be thankful for so it was easier for them, right?  Well- not exactly.  You see, the Pilgrims had come to the New World with great hopes and dreams.  Hopes for a new life free of religious persecution.  Dreams of settling in and making a name for themselves with all the unknown possibilities just waiting to be claimed.  What they got instead was a whole lot of hardship.  The passage over was rougher than they had expected, lives were lost and hopes were fading.  Once they reached the new land the flames of their dreams began to burn again, but the smoke of sadness still hung over them.  By the time they harvested their first crops of corn and were making preparations for their Thanksgiving, less than half of the newcomers were still alive to celebrate.  There were a few empty seats at their table.

For three days they feasted and took time to count their blessings.  God had provided them with a cornucopia (I have always wanted to use this word!) of  things to be thankful for. And they were thankful ~DESPITE~ the losses they had suffered.  Yes, their hearts were heavy as they thought of all of those empty chairs.  Life had not turned out the way they had hoped and dreamed it would.  However, those that celebrated were alive, they had food to eat and a place to sleep.  These might seem like small things but these are the things they were not taking for granted.

Perhaps this is what I am missing as I face this day, a peace in remembering all that I do have to be thankful for.  I have a very full table this Thanksgiving, there will be giggling and spilled drinks, silly jokes, shared memories, and way too many sweets.  Yes, there will be some sadness as well but I think the biggest thing I must remember is what the Pilgrims surely knew.  Words of wisdom from my favorite author...

 Everything?  Yes, in everything the Pilgrims gave thanks.  In the things that had been lost, in the things that had been found, in the new and for the old, they gave thanks.  So, I will take notes from my Pilgrim friends and set my heart on counting my blessings rather than my burdens today.  Will you join me?

I'm No Quitter

Tomorrow marks the 300th day that the boys have been gone.

300 days of not getting to tuck them in.

300 days without hugging them.

300 days of no snuggling deep into the covers to read our favorite books and sing our silly Graham songs.

300 days of the tear stained faces of each of my kids.

300 broken days and not one of those days have passed without waves of sadness washing over our wounded hearts.

I have to be honest with you (I try to make that a habit :).  This has nearly taken everything from me.  I have never felt a sadness like the one that has wrapped its cold, icy fingers around my heart so tightly that, at times. even breathing has become a chore.  It has been a toe to toe, minute by minute battle these last 300 days.

There have been times I was not sure that I would make it even one more day, but now I find myself sitting here on the edge of 300 days.

300 days of this new normal.

300 days of surviving.

300 days of struggling to trust God.

300 days of fighting.

Fighting....fighting what?

For 8+ years we have fought a broken foster care and judicial system.  We have fought injustice, birth parents, and dishonesty. We have fought against judgmental people, unkind and unwanted advice, and even against our sinful natures.  Shamefully, we have even fought against God.  This has been a long, hard journey. 

Ultimately though, Ephesians 6:12 reminds us that we have actually been fighting against satan himself.  "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."    

I am battle weary. Two weeks ago I would still have told you that I wasn't sure that I could take one more step, one more minute, or one more day.  Satan was about to claim a victory over my shaken faith.  Then something changed.  I wish I could tell you it was my circumstances, but it wasn't that.  I am not really sure what trigger it.  Maybe it is the fighter in me?  More likely, it was God shaking me out of my broken hearted slumber and reminding me that He isn't quite finished with me.  I have been reminded that I am not done fighting.  I am lacing up my boxing gloves and I am ready to go a few more rounds with the "powers of this dark world."  

There is a new song that is popular in pop music.  It is sung by Rachel Platten and entitled, "Fight Song,"  I have decided I love it and have taken the liberty to rewrite the lyrics to tailor them to my battle cry. I am sure Ms. Platten won't mind!  

I wonder if any of you can relate?  Maybe life has thrown you a curve ball, or two and  you feel like you are sinking?   If so, and you need someone to cheer you on from the side lines, please don't hesitate to send me an email.  But first, print out my edited lyrics and click on the link above. Then look satan square in his enemy eyes and sing with me at the top of your lungs, "THIS IS MY FIGHT SONG..."

(My changes are in italics)

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how God's word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
God's  power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (I'm in too deep)
And it's been 300 days
They miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
And I still believe
Yeah I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

Weepy Worship

I am a runner.  Now if you know me at all you are shaking your head in unbelief, because I do not have the body of a runner.  That is because I am not THAT kind of runner.  Running is how I cope with life when it gets too hard.  I stay busy, I clean, I mow, I cook, I do anything but slow down.  Down time means thinking and I would rather not.  Today marks 150 days of this new normal that we are walking....well maybe crawling is a better word, through.  150 days and still my heart is so broken.  I am going through the motions of the day to day, meeting all of the requirements that are expected of me, and staying busy.

The problem with this practiced approach is that while I am "running" I often time miss God.  The Bible is clear is Psalm 46 verse 10 that we are to, "Be still and know that I am God."  Well, I know He is God but the be still part...I am not so good at that and when I have dared to slow down enough to feel the hurt, I have been overwhelmed with emotions and pain.  So I start running again.

You know what I love about God?  Well, there are countless things I love about God but in particular He does not allow us to stay stuck.  For awhile, God has allowed me to stay busy.  He has nudged me a few times with gentle reminders to stop and dwell in His presence, but I have continued full speed ahead with my busyness. So He stepped up his nudges!  A few weeks ago I was in church when the praise team struck up the first few chords of one of my favorite song.  Not only my favorite song but a song that echos what I hope my life will reflect at the end of my days.  Before a single word was sung, I knew I was in trouble.  I seriously thought about bolting for the door but 1- It would look a bit odd for the pastor's wife to make a run for the exit and 2- as said pastor's wife, I was sitting in the very front of the church.  So tears began to stream down my face (at least I was in the front so I could hide my face) and God got my attention. I spent the next 10 minutes trying to maintain my composure and God and I began to work through some of my heartache. (We are still working on this but I allowed God to get my attention!)

Maybe you are also walking through, "The valley of the shadow of death" (Psalm 23) and you've tried to outrun your emotions or even God himself.  Let's be honest, life is hard sometimes...maybe even more than sometimes, maybe often...but there is still hope.  The God who loved us enough to send His son to die on the cross for you and me still sits on the throne.  He is patiently waiting to walk you through this battle.  He still has a plan for us, and in the end He still wins and despite my heavy heart, that makes me feel like singing that song I mentioned.  Will you sing with me? 

Jesus Draw Me Nearer


Jesus draw me ever nearer
As I labour through the storm.
You have called me to this passage,
and I'll follow, though I'm worn.

May this journey bring a blessing,
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart's testing,
With Your likeness let me wake.

Jesus guide me through the tempest;
Keep my spirit staid and sure.
When the midnight meets the morning,
Let me love You even more.

Let the treasures of the trial                                 
Form within me as I go -
And at the end of this long passage,
Let me leave them at Your throne.

Music by Keith Getty; Words by Margaret Becker
Copyright © 2002 Thankyou Music

Content in ALL Circumstances

My sweet baby D's birthday was this past week.  It was an incredibly difficult day for all of us here as we didn't get to celebrate it with him.  There was no cake and ice cream for breakfast.  No balloons, no streamers, no pictures.

It has been 77 days since we have seen his sweet face.  Most days it still seems as if we will never get out of this dark valley we are walking through.  Every once in awhile I see a little glimmer of light on the horizon but it quickly fades as reality once again sets in.  This is a hard place to be.

It would be an easy jump to leap into a giant pity party. Or to grow angry.  Angry with the foster care system, angry with the judge, angry with dishonest caseworkers, angry with God.  It is something I must choose to fight against, sometimes minute by minute.  In fact the new catch phrase at the Graham house has become, "Focus on your blessings rather than your burdens," as we work to encourage each other through this new normal. 

As I was thinking about all of this yesterday, it made me remember a conversation I had recently with my 7 year old.  It was Easter time and we attended the community Easter egg hunt.  As we arrived, children were divided according to their age group and given a specific area to hunt.  Within each area were 3 prize eggs: 1 golden egg, 1 egg marked with an "X" for a boy and one egg marked with an "X" for a girl.  As we set off on our hunt, my girl was quite lucky.  Among her treasures, were both the "X" egg and the golden egg.  As we headed to turn in our treasures I decided this would be a great teachable moment.  I pulled Skyler aside and asked her to think about others in her age group.  There were a lot of other kids and I wanted her to share one of her prize eggs.  We talked about how it would be kind to give one of the two eggs to someone else so they could have a special prize too.  I told her that it wasn't really fair for her to have 2 prizes when others had none and asked her to give the girl egg to someone else because the golden egg was probably the grand prize.  With much encouragement, Skyler kept the golden egg and gave the "X" egg to another girl in her age group.

As it turns out, the big prize was for the egg with the "X."  The little girl Skyler gave this to received a huge Easter egg basket filled with toys and candy. When Skyler turned in her golden egg she got a chocolate bunny.  To say she was mad is an understatement.  All the way home she complained and grumped about not getting the big prize because I made her give it away.  I listened to her whine for a bit but after about 10 minutes, I had had enough.  I sat her down and talked with her about the situation.  I reminded her that when she went up to the egg hunt, she went with nothing but an empty basket and now she was coming home with not only a bunch of eggs, but also a chocolate bunny.  I tried to help her see that she came home with more than she went with.  I would love to say that my pep talk worked and she skipped off merrily into the sunset counting her eggs (and blessings), but not all endings are storybook endings.  I am pretty sure that if you ask Skyler about it now, a month later, she will still be mad.  She may never forgive me for this moment! 

At least not until she is older and wiser like me.  I mean I would never react like that. 

Or would I?  Maybe a better question is, am I?  If I am honest, and I always try to be, I would have to shamefully admit that I am behaving the same way.  I wanted the grand prize...I wanted the boys to stay here with us. If they are here I know they are safe, well cared for, and loved.  I don't want to be satisfied with the chocolate bunny of the 2 and 3 years we had them here.  I want the whole basket.  I have come home from the party sulky and mad.  I did not get what I wanted, and it is not fair. 

I can imagine Jesus pulling me to the side and reminding me..."Marla, you came to the party with nothing, and you went home with a full basket."  I wonder if He is as weary of my whining as I was of Skyler's?  My home is still overflowing with blessings.  I have a husband who serves the Lord with all he has and who loves me.  I have a houseful of children and we have been celebrating things like marriage and graduation these last few years.  My children are all walking with the Lord, I have a nice home and a warm bed. The list could go on and on.  But still I whine. 

I imagine the Apostle Paul may have had a similar struggle before coming to the place where he was able to pen these words: (red words mine!)

Philippians 4:11-13 (NIV)
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned [am learning] to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned [am learning] the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

 Thank you for your prayers and encouragement as we walk this road and I hope you will be encouraged to learn with us to be content in ALL things.

Blessings,

Marla

Unshakable Faith

I have been silent for awhile.  I have been suffering with a broken heart.  There are days when the greatest victory I achieve is simply rising from bed. 

Some days it is a struggle to just breath normally.  The memories of what was...the fear of what might be...these are crippling at times. 

It is maddening to me that the rest of the world continues to move on, as if my whole world has not been shaken to its very foundation.  But, that is how it must be.

I am still required to go to work, fix meals for my family, clean my house, pay my bills.  The ordinary everyday continues to demand that I move forward, even though I am so incredibly broken.

For those of you who may not know, my family and I are foster parents to my niece and 3 of my nephews...well we were.  For 7 years now we have been knee deep in the uncaring bureaucracy of child protective services.  But, on March 8th two of those children (age 3 and 22 months) were returned to the home of their birth mother. 

You may be thinking, well what did you expect?  You are just the foster mom, isn't this what you signed up for?  And of course this was the ultimate goal, what was to be expected, at least originally.  Oh, but three years of loving someone makes it incredibly difficult to just walk away, even under ideal circumstances.  Knowing it was a possibility doesn't stop me from feeling like I have suffered a great loss.  We literally lost 2 babies overnight.  I still do not know how you say goodbye forever....and I am shaken.

And so I have been silent.

Silent when it was time to say goodbye to babies who were clinging to me, begging to stay.
Silent as I hold the sobbing shoulders of my "other" kids. 
Silent as I watch my husband's heart break along with mine.
Silent as my 7 year old asks me who will keep the boys safe now. 
Silent as my 4 year old asks when his brothers are coming back.
Silent as I look into the sad eyes of my children.
Silent from my weekly radio program, Growing Stronger Together.
Silent from here, from this blog where I try to encourage people to SHINE.

How can I encourage others when I am struggling so deeply myself? 

Maybe people are wondering if I have lost my faith in God and that is why I am writing today. 

As I stated above, I am broken and shaken to my very core, but my humanness does not change who God is.  Hebrews 13:8 reminds us that, "Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever."  My circumstances may have changed, but my God has not, and there is comfort in that.  The truth of 2 Timothy 1:12 has become my heart's cry, "because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day."

I admit, the days have been dark, but God....
But God has been faithful,

"But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness."       ~Psalm 86:15

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you, He will never leave you nor forsake you."        ~Deuteronomy 31:6
 

I love that, even in my humanness, maybe even despite my humanness, God remains faithful to me. 
The truth is, I do not know what tomorrow holds.  I do not know if there will be more heartache and pain, or if there will be some victory.  I do not know, BUT God knows.  I would be lying to say that I can rest easy in knowing that God has this all in his hands.  My heart aches, my mind constantly worries, but when I look to the cross, I can find peace.  I do not like what is happening, this part of God's plan for me.  But, I don't have to like it, I only have to trust that God has a plan.

"For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."   ~Jeremiah 29:11

"All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and who are called according to His purpose."   ~Romans 8:28

So, have I lost my faith?  No way!  The only thing getting me through the day to day is my faith!  Yes, I am broken and I am shaken....but He is not!

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."
 ~Hebrews 11:1


If you are walking through a dark valley and are struggling to find hope, please, please, please seek His face, immerse yourself in God's word and God's promises, He will not disappoint you.  As always if you have questions or comments please send me an email at shinewomensministry@yahoo.com 

With Unshakeable Faith,

Marla 

 

 

 

Broken

There are no words to express how I am feeling.  In less than 48 hours we will be saying, "Goodbye" to our 3 year old and our 21 month old forever and a part of my heart is dying.  There are so many things I need to do in this short time:pack their things (how do you pack 3 years of a life into a box?), pour all the love I can into them, make memories that may or may not last a lifetime, and break the news to them.

I feel like a bomb has been set up, the timer is ticking.  It is ticking off the seconds and my head and heart register every click.  Destruction is inevitable.  People are going to get hurt.  I want to call in the bomb squad, but there is NO ONE to call. NO ONE can stop this.  Believe me we've tried.  We've talked to more caseworkers than I care to remember, DCFS, lawyers, prayer warriors, the inspector general...no one seems able to disarm this constantly ticking, life threatening device.

Tick-Tick-Tick

Of course we know that God can-But for some reason outside of my understanding, He is not.  It is not because we haven't asked.  Trust me, we have been camped at the foot of His throne for weeks...years even.  "His ways are not our ways..." believe me I can see that clearly. (Isaiah 55:8) And, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still," is echoing in my head and heart.  Right next to the constant ticking of this bomb.

Tick-Tick-Tick

I do not know how to "be still."  There is too much pain in being still- pain I have been running from for far too long to allow it to catch up with me now.

Tick-Tick-Tick

Is this how Joseph felt as his brothers sold him off into slavery? Or Moses as he shipped off to the palace?  Moses was 3 when he left his family to go live in the palace.  He had to say goodbye to the people who loved and nurtured him every day for 3 years.  And yet...he remembered the teachings he had learned from his mom.  (Have I done a good enough job instilling God's word into these boys?  Will they remember that God loves them?  Will they remember that we love them?)  So many questions.  Will these boys know that God has a plan for them?

How can this be part of God's plan?  Tick-Tick-Tick

What about my other kids?  Will they stop believing in fighting for what is right? Will they think it is too hard, too painful?  Will their broken hearts mend?

Tick-Tick-Tick

How do I help them? How do I teach them that regardless of the outcome, we always do what is right?  How do I walk them through this pain when I am drowning in it myself?

Tick-Tick-Tick

What do I say to a 7 year old who has emotional and physical scars from this "mom" her siblings are going to be living with?  What do I say to her questions, "Who is going to check them and make sure no one is hurting them?  Who will keep them safe?"  And these questions  were just for overnight visits.  What will I say to her when she finds out this will be forever?

Tick-Tick-Tick

How do we even do this new forever?
I search God's word for comfort, and as always, it is there.  Verses like Ps 21:13-14, "I would have despaired had I not known that I would see the hand of the Lord in the land of the living, wait for the Lord, take heart and wait for the Lord."  or Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."  The list goes on and on but for some reason I cannot hold on to the peace these verses bring.  It is fleeting.

Tick-Tick-Tick

Music, music has always been a balm to my wary, hurting heart.  Hymns like Reach Out to Jesus and Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus or more contemporary songs like  Perfect Peace by Laura's Story. However, I can find no lasting peace here either.  Everything keeps slipping through my fingers, just as these boys are slipping away from our home.

Tick-Tick-Tick

I've been in hard places before- this is not new to me.  God has proven Himself faithful so many times that I should have no doubts now.  So why can't I rest in that?  Am I flawed somehow?  Is my faith not genuine?  Can I live with unanswered questions from God? Can, "Because I said so," be enough of an answer for me? The bomb keeps ticking and with it my peace is fleeting.

Tick-Tick-Tick

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are stayed on You." (Isaiah 26:3)  Maybe this is the problem. I cannot keep my mind and heart stayed on Him.  The ticking is too loud, the heartache too real.

Tick-Tick-Tick

And yet...
Somewhere in the back of my mind, somewhere in the depths of my breaking heart, I know God has not forsaken us.  I may feel like Lazarus being wrapped in burial cloth- or like his sisters as they watched these events unfold- but I still believe in God.  I still believe in a God who can resurrect life, even after all earthly hope is gone.  Though the light of hope is extremely dim, and the ticking of the bomb is extremely loud, STILL I will trust Him.

Indeed His ways are not my ways, but I choose, despite the struggle against my humanity, to walk by faith and not by sight.

Tick-I STILL BELIEVE-Tick-I STILL BELIEVE-Tick-I STILL BELIEVE

Humble and broken~Marla