You Mad Bro?

The answer to this question is a loud, resounding YES! I am mad.  We are smack dab in the middle of some really stinky stuff and if you want me to be honest, I AM MAD!

I know, I know.  Some of you are thinking, "What kind of pastor's wife is she?"  Or maybe, "Doesn't she trust God?" To be honest with you, I am shaking my head at myself.

You see, I KNOW that God is in control, I KNOW he has all of this in His hands.  I KNOW all of the Scriptures (Your ways our not my ways oh Lord...I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you...Trust in the Lord with all your heart...) I have shared them with others countless times.  But in this moment, in the darkness that is creeping toward me, I cannot seem to get past the mad long enough to rest in these promises.

Each time I feel like I am closer to being okay, we are hit by another blow.  It is something that is hard to explain unless you've walked in the valley of the shadow of death. We have been foster parents now for 7 years...7.  Those 7 years have challenged us, broken us, strengthened us, broken us some more, unified us, renewed our faith, and so many more things.

7 years is a long time.  7 years and 4 additions to our family. It changes you.  And when it is time to send kids back to the same broken place they came from, it is hard and heart breaking, and you are left with more questions than you have answers for.

Every time I look into these sweet boys unknowing eyes I am mad.

Every time there are empty spaces at my dinner table, I am mad.

Bedtime prayers at empty beds, cause my anger to rise again.

Every time I dry the tears of my 4 year old, or calm the fears of my 7 year old, I am mad.

Every time I see the fear or worry in my older daughters' eyes, or watch them pull away from others, I am mad.

Cries and pleas of, "Please no, I stay here," rip out every ounce of self control I have managed to maintain, and I am mad.


Every time I hear the anger in my son's voice, I am mad.

Every time I get a hug or snuggle from these boys we are losing, I am mad.

A half empty church pew that use to overflow robs me of my joy, and I am mad.

Every family activity we do without them, I am mad.

Every time I hear, "The system is so broken," I am mad.  

You know what's worse than grieving?  Watching each and everyone of those around you grieving and being absolutely helpless.  I feel like I am walking around with a gaping hole in my chest and with each beat of my heart, something more breaks.

I KNOW this is not a good place to be.  I KNOW it is not somewhere I can stay, and each time these angry feeling start rising up inside me I am wracked with guilt because I know it isn't how I ought to respond.

Or is it?

In his book, Letters to Malcolm, Chiefly on Prayer, C.S. Lewis wrote, "We must lay before him what is in us and not what ought to be in us."   When I read that it got me to thinking.  The truth is God knows what we are really thinking and feeling, right?  So who are we fooling if we pretend we are at peace with all that wars around us?  Isn't that pretending to be something we aren't, and isn't that what the Pharisees did?

Instead I started thinking about how some of the Bible heroes reacted when their circumstances weren't what they had hoped.

Probably the man most famous for suffering that we can read about in the Bible is Job.  I have often joked and even blogged before on how Job has nothing on me.  If you are familiar with the story you know that Job literally lost everything in a short amount of time.  He lost his children, his wealth, and even his health.  The kicker for me is that it was God himself who chose Job to be tested by satan.  It is a humbling reminder that nothing comes our way without God's approval.

What I most want to point out though, is Job's reaction to his suffering. 

Job is broken, he shaves his head, tears his clothes and begins mourning.  Well meaning friends come to encourage him, they hardly recognize him when they arrive.  They remain silent until Job speaks and pours out his heart, even wishing he had never been born.  His friends are disappointed with his response - they even blame him for all that is happening. In fact by chapter 19 Job says to his friends, “Then Job replied:

² “How long will you torment me
    and crush me with words?
³ Ten times now you have reproached me;
    shamelessly you attack me”

But by chapter 38 the Lord speaks and validates Job’s feelings and struggles.  He also reminds Job that HE is God, but the story ends with these words:

¹² The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. (42:12)  So we see that Job was angry and broken for a season.

And then there is David.  You don't have to read too many Psalms before you see that the man God himself refers to as, "A man after my own heart," is often broken and crying out.  If you asked David, "Are you mad, bro?"  I think he would have often answered with a loud, resounding, "YES!"

Psalm 22 verses 1-5 are a perfect example of this:

¹ "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
    Why are you so far from saving me,
    so far from my cries of anguish?
² My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
    by night, but I find no rest.

³ Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
    you are the one Israel praises.
⁴ In you our ancestors put their trust;
    they trusted and you delivered them.
⁵ To you they cried out and were saved;
    in you they trusted and were not put to shame."

I feel like I could have penned these verses, I cry out by day but you do not answer...God are you listening to me?  Our ancestors put their trust in you and You showed up....God where are you now?

These are just two of several examples through out Scripture of Godly men and women having a season of anger to work through.  The key, I suggest, is not getting stuck there.

If you continue to read through Psalm 22 David begins to remind himself of who watches over him.  He says things like, "But you, Lord, do not be far from me.You are my strength; come quickly to help me." (vs 19).   

And I can agree with David by saying, "Lord I know we can get through this, You and me, but it might have to be mostly You."

Next he reminds himself what he needs to do, "I will declare your name to my people; in the assembly I will praise you." (vs 22) 

And I cry out, "Lord I know You are who You say You are, and You are good. I will praise you in this storm, but I am wet and cold.  I am battered from these fierce winds, so I need your help."


Then David reminds God of His promises: "For he has not despised or scorned the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help."(vs 26)

And I cry out, "Lord nothing grieves your heart more than when your children are hurting.  When you walked this earth you welcomed the little ones into your presence.  Your word says it is better for a millstone to be placed around someone's neck andthey be thrown into a lake than to hurt a child (Matthew 18:6).  I know it is not Your desire that these babies be put in harm's way."

David wraps up his heart felt cry with these simple words, "He has done it!" (vs 31)

And I cry out, "Lord please do it!"


I think it is okay to have conversations with God that are real, and gut-wrenchingly honest.  It is okay to cry out and question when things around you don't make sense.  I think it is okay to remind him of his promises. 

I think it is okay to hurt, to be broken, and to cry out in anguish.  Even Christ himself cried out, "My God, my God why have you forsaken me? (Matthew 27:46)

We just cannot stay there.  I do not know how much time passed between verse 1 of David's Psalm and verse 31.  I imagine that time frame is different for each of us.  I think I am still very near the first portion of these verses, so if you see me out and about, please know that I have not given up on my faith.  I know that God is in control and that in the end I will be able to say like Joseph, "What you intended for evil the Lord has used for good."  (Gen 50:20)  But, I am not there yet, at least not in my heart.  My head is there, the truth is solid but my heart is still mending.

As I wrap up this lengthy piece, I want to leave you with one truth I have discovered on this journey.  Peace is not the absence of fighting, here on earth we will never fully have that.  Peace is a rest in knowing that despite all that is raging around us, God is in control and we are in His hands.  I am working on sewing that into my heart, but until then will you pray for us? 

Job has nothing on me

That is exactly how I feel today, like Job has nothing on me.

Most of us know the story of Job, a pure and righteous man whom satan enjoyed putting to the test. In just one day Job lost his children, his job, and all his worldly possessions. As if that weren’t enough he ended up with boils from head to toe and a wife who’s only counsel was to “curse God and die” (Job 2:9). Then his three friends enter the picture. I am sure his friends meant well but their words missed the mark and Job was left hurting inside and out. He had plenty to be angry at God about and yet he held on to his integrity. So when I chose the title of this it was with a bit of tongue-and-cheek and the thought that many of us have felt like we could relate to Job at least from time to time.

As for me, I doubt that God has ever had the privilege to say that I am “pure and blameless.” I have made many mistakes in my journey of life. However, I am also sure that satan has tried many times to test and tempt me. I, unlike Job, have failed some of those tests but am learning more and more to depend on God to help me pass them. You see it is when we try to do things with our own wisdom that we fail. Take Job’s friends for instance. They were trying to do what was right. They came to Job in his time of need. They mourned with him and set aside their responsibilities to just be a friend. So far they were on the right track. But after seven days they begin to speak to Job. Their intentions are good but it seems to me that they do not seek God’s will. I can just imagine them sitting there all those days just using all of their strength to keep quiet. The Bible does not say that they prayed with Job only that they wept aloud at the sight of him and then sat on the ground with him. (Job 2:11-13) But next, Job speaks and curses the day that he was born, Eliphaz seizes the opportunity to speak to Job and each of the friends follow suit. Again, their intentions were good but they did not depend on God for their wisdom and they did not turn Job toward God but instead wondered aloud what he had done to bring this upon himself. Later in chapter 42 of Job we are told that the Lord speaks to Eliphaz and says, “I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken of me what is right...” Eliphaz and his friends did not lean on God to lead them in their quest to help their friend and because of that they failed.

How many of us can relate to that? There are many places in the Bible where God is referred to as, “The Great Comforter” and yet when we need comfort or need to comfort others, God is often the last person we turn to. Sometimes it is busyness that keeps us from praying, but often it is our own anger with God that holds us back.

Today has been one of the hardest days of my life and I will admit that I am angry at God. My sweet nephew, who has lived with us since birth, was returned to the home of his father. My heart has been torn into a million pieces as I was forced to let go of this precious baby boy and walk away. The best way I can describe it is that I feel like my baby has been on life support and today it was unplugged. It is a gamble, maybe he will thrive on his own without the support of the machines (me and my family) and maybe he will not. Either way there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I can only "Be still and know that He is God." So today I feel a lot like Job, broken but still trusting, or at least trying to.

How about you? What is your Job story? I would love to hear it and I promise I will try to do a bit better than Job's well meaning friends at listening!