Wandering in the Desert

Goodness, what a journey the Lord has taken us on!  If you have followed our foster care/adoption story at all you know that we have been blessed with the privilege of raising four additional kids.  We stepped in initially with the hope of being able to come alongside the birth parents to work toward restoring the parent/child relationship.  As with most of our plans, things worked out differently and  in February of 2015 we learned that we would have the opportunity to move toward adoption on two of those sweet babies, but at that same time, we learned that we would have to say good-bye to the younger two (ages 3 and 21 months).  What a bittersweet year that was.

Even now four years later, so many emotions still fill my heart. The heart wrenching goodbye that came on March 8 of 2015 left us completely Broken. It was the hardest thing any of us have ever had to do.We spent the next year trying to put the pieces back together.  Not just our pieces, but each of our remaining six children were also shattered.  I can still see my sweet Anthony laying in his brother's bed shortly after he had left.  I can still hear him saying to me, "Momma, I am pretending that Aiders is laying here with me."  Not a one of us walked away from the boys' departure unharmed.

So fast forward 866 days, that is how many days went by before we were able to see these sweet boys again.  We spent those days weeping, trying to heal, and praying without ceasing.  God answered our prayers and on July 21, 2017 the boys were returned to our care.  I have often referred to these kids as our  "Moses Babies"  and as the events of the last year and a half have played out, I again find myself relating to Moses.  This time I am connecting with the part of Moses story where he leads the Israelites out of bondage and away from Pharaoh's harsh treatment.

In Chapter 14 of Exodus we can read how God used Moses to lead his people out of Egypt.  He parts the Red Sea and leads them into freedom.  The people had spent years praying to be delivered from their circumstances, hoping with each new day that they would be rescued.  Now finally that day had come.  What an incredible celebration they had as Chapter 15 begins. It doesn't take the Israelite long to realize that along with their fulfilled hope came new challenges and by the beginning of Chapter 16 they cry out, "Would that we had died by the Lord's hand in the Land of Egypt, when we sat by the pots of meat, when we ate bread to the full; for you [Moses] have brought us out into the wilderness to kill the whole assembly with hunger." (Exodus 16:3)  In other words they are saying, "Man this is way harder than we thought."  They wanted God to rescue them but didn't really want to have to suffer in any way.  They didn't want it to cost them anything.  Can you believe those whiny Israelites?  What a bunch of big babies.  I am so glad I am not like that...

But wait...
Maybe, just maybe I am?

Now don't misunderstand what I am saying, I do not regret for even a half a second that the Lord answered our prayers and brought the boys home to us.  Not a moment goes by that I do not realize how incredibly blessed we are to share our lives with them once again.  But, what I am saying is that it was harder than I expected it to be.  The sweet, happy go lucky boys we had to send back into questionable circumstances were not the same boys that returned to our home.  They returned broken, having experienced heart breaking things that forever changed them.  Our hearts ached as we realized how much they had changed and still break as we are working through the healing process.  I struggled with angry thoughts like, "If only they had not left our care..." and "I didn't create this problem but here I am stuck with having to fix it."  So I guess the truth is, we were not the same either and there were challenges to face as we worked to adjust to our new normal. It has been hard and at times I have whined to the Lord (and a few friends) because things were way harder than I thought they would be.  I eagerly await the part of the story where I get to pen, "...and they lived happily ever after."  But real life is not like those fairy tales and much like I recently heard Liz Bohannon of Sseko Designs say, "You have a story to write.  You cannot know the end before you start typing."

To continue with the Isrealite's story, they spend the rest of Exodus traveling through some hard places and facing unexpected challenges, but EVERYTIME,  EVERY SINGLE TIME, the Lord provides for them.  You need water, here have some water from this rock.  You need food, well let me give you some manna from Heaven.  Tired of manna?  No problem, here is some quail.  Surrounded on all sides by your powerful enemies?  Not to worry, I will make you victorious.  Time and time again God meets their needs.  However, as they work their way toward the promise land, they continue to whine and complain, to grumble against God, and often to do the exact opposite of what God told them to.

This is where I hope our stories differ!  I hope that I can take some notes and learn a lesson or two from my fellow sojourners so that I can walk a different path.  I want to be more like Caleb and Joshua who chose to believe what God had promised rather than what seemed to their fellow Israelite brothers to be sure defeat. (Numbers 13).

No matter how the end of our story ends up being written, I know that God truly is the "author and perfecter" of my faith and so I will fix my eyes on Jesus. After all, He too faced circumstances that were harder than we can imagine and suffered to fix a problem He didn't create, and He did so with joy?!   Here's hoping we can too! 

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

Blessings
~Marla