You Mad Bro?

The answer to this question is a loud, resounding YES! I am mad.  We are smack dab in the middle of some really stinky stuff and if you want me to be honest, I AM MAD!

I know, I know.  Some of you are thinking, "What kind of pastor's wife is she?"  Or maybe, "Doesn't she trust God?" To be honest with you, I am shaking my head at myself.

You see, I KNOW that God is in control, I KNOW he has all of this in His hands.  I KNOW all of the Scriptures (Your ways our not my ways oh Lord...I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you...Trust in the Lord with all your heart...) I have shared them with others countless times.  But in this moment, in the darkness that is creeping toward me, I cannot seem to get past the mad long enough to rest in these promises.

Each time I feel like I am closer to being okay, we are hit by another blow.  It is something that is hard to explain unless you've walked in the valley of the shadow of death. We have been foster parents now for 7 years...7.  Those 7 years have challenged us, broken us, strengthened us, broken us some more, unified us, renewed our faith, and so many more things.

7 years is a long time.  7 years and 4 additions to our family. It changes you.  And when it is time to send kids back to the same broken place they came from, it is hard and heart breaking, and you are left with more questions than you have answers for.

Every time I look into these sweet boys unknowing eyes I am mad.

Every time there are empty spaces at my dinner table, I am mad.

Bedtime prayers at empty beds, cause my anger to rise again.

Every time I dry the tears of my 4 year old, or calm the fears of my 7 year old, I am mad.

Every time I see the fear or worry in my older daughters' eyes, or watch them pull away from others, I am mad.

Cries and pleas of, "Please no, I stay here," rip out every ounce of self control I have managed to maintain, and I am mad.


Every time I hear the anger in my son's voice, I am mad.

Every time I get a hug or snuggle from these boys we are losing, I am mad.

A half empty church pew that use to overflow robs me of my joy, and I am mad.

Every family activity we do without them, I am mad.

Every time I hear, "The system is so broken," I am mad.  

You know what's worse than grieving?  Watching each and everyone of those around you grieving and being absolutely helpless.  I feel like I am walking around with a gaping hole in my chest and with each beat of my heart, something more breaks.

I KNOW this is not a good place to be.  I KNOW it is not somewhere I can stay, and each time these angry feeling start rising up inside me I am wracked with guilt because I know it isn't how I ought to respond.

Or is it?

In his book, Letters to Malcolm, Chiefly on Prayer, C.S. Lewis wrote, "We must lay before him what is in us and not what ought to be in us."   When I read that it got me to thinking.  The truth is God knows what we are really thinking and feeling, right?  So who are we fooling if we pretend we are at peace with all that wars around us?  Isn't that pretending to be something we aren't, and isn't that what the Pharisees did?

Instead I started thinking about how some of the Bible heroes reacted when their circumstances weren't what they had hoped.

Probably the man most famous for suffering that we can read about in the Bible is Job.  I have often joked and even blogged before on how Job has nothing on me.  If you are familiar with the story you know that Job literally lost everything in a short amount of time.  He lost his children, his wealth, and even his health.  The kicker for me is that it was God himself who chose Job to be tested by satan.  It is a humbling reminder that nothing comes our way without God's approval.

What I most want to point out though, is Job's reaction to his suffering. 

Job is broken, he shaves his head, tears his clothes and begins mourning.  Well meaning friends come to encourage him, they hardly recognize him when they arrive.  They remain silent until Job speaks and pours out his heart, even wishing he had never been born.  His friends are disappointed with his response - they even blame him for all that is happening. In fact by chapter 19 Job says to his friends, “Then Job replied:

² “How long will you torment me
    and crush me with words?
³ Ten times now you have reproached me;
    shamelessly you attack me”

But by chapter 38 the Lord speaks and validates Job’s feelings and struggles.  He also reminds Job that HE is God, but the story ends with these words:

¹² The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. (42:12)  So we see that Job was angry and broken for a season.

And then there is David.  You don't have to read too many Psalms before you see that the man God himself refers to as, "A man after my own heart," is often broken and crying out.  If you asked David, "Are you mad, bro?"  I think he would have often answered with a loud, resounding, "YES!"

Psalm 22 verses 1-5 are a perfect example of this:

¹ "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
    Why are you so far from saving me,
    so far from my cries of anguish?
² My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
    by night, but I find no rest.

³ Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
    you are the one Israel praises.
⁴ In you our ancestors put their trust;
    they trusted and you delivered them.
⁵ To you they cried out and were saved;
    in you they trusted and were not put to shame."

I feel like I could have penned these verses, I cry out by day but you do not answer...God are you listening to me?  Our ancestors put their trust in you and You showed up....God where are you now?

These are just two of several examples through out Scripture of Godly men and women having a season of anger to work through.  The key, I suggest, is not getting stuck there.

If you continue to read through Psalm 22 David begins to remind himself of who watches over him.  He says things like, "But you, Lord, do not be far from me.You are my strength; come quickly to help me." (vs 19).   

And I can agree with David by saying, "Lord I know we can get through this, You and me, but it might have to be mostly You."

Next he reminds himself what he needs to do, "I will declare your name to my people; in the assembly I will praise you." (vs 22) 

And I cry out, "Lord I know You are who You say You are, and You are good. I will praise you in this storm, but I am wet and cold.  I am battered from these fierce winds, so I need your help."


Then David reminds God of His promises: "For he has not despised or scorned the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help."(vs 26)

And I cry out, "Lord nothing grieves your heart more than when your children are hurting.  When you walked this earth you welcomed the little ones into your presence.  Your word says it is better for a millstone to be placed around someone's neck andthey be thrown into a lake than to hurt a child (Matthew 18:6).  I know it is not Your desire that these babies be put in harm's way."

David wraps up his heart felt cry with these simple words, "He has done it!" (vs 31)

And I cry out, "Lord please do it!"


I think it is okay to have conversations with God that are real, and gut-wrenchingly honest.  It is okay to cry out and question when things around you don't make sense.  I think it is okay to remind him of his promises. 

I think it is okay to hurt, to be broken, and to cry out in anguish.  Even Christ himself cried out, "My God, my God why have you forsaken me? (Matthew 27:46)

We just cannot stay there.  I do not know how much time passed between verse 1 of David's Psalm and verse 31.  I imagine that time frame is different for each of us.  I think I am still very near the first portion of these verses, so if you see me out and about, please know that I have not given up on my faith.  I know that God is in control and that in the end I will be able to say like Joseph, "What you intended for evil the Lord has used for good."  (Gen 50:20)  But, I am not there yet, at least not in my heart.  My head is there, the truth is solid but my heart is still mending.

As I wrap up this lengthy piece, I want to leave you with one truth I have discovered on this journey.  Peace is not the absence of fighting, here on earth we will never fully have that.  Peace is a rest in knowing that despite all that is raging around us, God is in control and we are in His hands.  I am working on sewing that into my heart, but until then will you pray for us? 

"I Hate Christmas"

Ok, hear me out before you start sending me messages telling me what the true meaning of Christmas is all about...

This past weekend one of my daughters made this statement, "I hate Christmas."  I listened to her heart, loved on her, and intended to send her a note later in the week when she was a little more ready to hear it, reminding her that Christmas is all about HOPE, and Jesus coming down to earth as a baby, vulnerable and innocent, because of His love for mankind. Telling her that we cannot allow the circumstances around us to rob us of the joy of this season.

I intended to, but then we had court, and the Grinch (aka the judge) stole Christmas right out from underneath me.  He ruled that two of our boys would not be spending Christmas morning with us. 


Now another of my daughters said to me, "Mom, I hate Xmas." What she meant was that she hates all the commercialism of Christmas that takes away from the true meaning of the holiday.

Lest you think I am raising a household of Grinches, I assure you that I love Christmas, I love the music, the lights, the decorations, the stockings, the food, the sense of peace on earth, I love all of it. (And for the record, so does my other daughter, Jennah!)  I love the traditions of Christmas, or at least I did.

Honestly though, this latest ruling has taken the wind our of my Christmas sail.  It is as if the Grinch himself came and took our Christmas tree back up the chimney.

To be fair, I was already struggling.  Jeremiah got married back in November and we were adjusting to the knowledge that we would not be spending Christmas day with him and his wife.  My heart was already sad by how life is changing.  I mean you are talking (or reading from) the girl who cries after all the presents are opened every year because it marks a change.  This is the last year we will give a baby doll as a gift....this is the last year anyone will willing put on the feety pajamas...this is the last year before so and so goes off to college....  Remember, I love the traditions of Christmas.

So the news that Christmas morning will not be what we had planned is more than heart breaking.  I am devastated.  I want to do nothing more than lie in my bed and sob...which for the record I have done.  I want to scream at God and question whether or not He is paying attention to what is happening down here on Railroad Street...which for the record I have done.  I want to complain to anyone who will listen about how our Christmas is ruined...which for the record I AM doing right now.

But what is truth?  Is my current, "I hate Christmas" attitude okay because the circumstances surrounding me are pretty awful?  Or are the words I intended to share with my daughter true?

"Christmas is all about HOPE, and Jesus coming down to earth as a baby, vulnerable and innocent, because of His love for mankind... we cannot allow the circumstances around us to rob us of the joy of this season."

OUCH!

The truth is even back in the day...actually THE DAY, on the day that God became flesh, it was not what everyone had expected.  In fact the world had No room for Him.  When He was ready to enter this cold, sin-filled earth, there was no place for him.

I bet Mary's "Christmas" was ruined when she found out that she was going to have to travel to Bethlehem while being 9 months pregnant.

Or what about Joseph?  Do you suppose his day was ruined when he found out the woman he was engaged to was pregnant?

This is not what either of them expected!

Then they arrive in Bethlehem just as the labor pains begin.  Do you think Joseph stomped the ground and yelled, "Just our luck!" when he found out there was no place but a dirty stable for his wife to give birth in.

Maybe he yelled at God, "Is this what you want for YOUR son?"  "Are you paying attention to what is happening down here in Bethlehem?"  

Or how about Jesus himself?  What a rude awakening to go from Heaven's glory to the filthy, smelly stable.  Do you suppose somewhere in His infant mind he thought, "I hate Christmas."??

I guess what I am trying to say, from my very broken heart, is that Christmas is not....cannot be, about out expectations.  Christmas is about a Holy God having a plan that is bigger than any of us can see in this moment.

Truth is, Christmas is going to be hard this year.  We are going to have to adjust our expectations but I always come back to this
1- God is still God and 2- He is still on the throne.

I am sure we are not the only family who feel like the Grinch has stole our holiday.  Many people have lost loved ones this past year, or even as recently as this past month.  Others will spend the holiday season overseas serving our country, or here missing their loved ones who are serving out country.  Still others will pace the floors of a hospital waiting room on Christmas day.  Someone somewhere will sit in an empty nursery brokenhearted over another Christmas with empty arms.... Truly the list goes on and on.  So what I want to remind each of you, each of us, is that this season really is a season of HOPE.

"The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth." (John 1:14)


A God who loves me enough to send His son, knowing the cruelties He would face, surely knows what is happening down here on Railroad Street.

Reminds me of the song, "A Strange Way to Save the World."

"All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28  

(Even when it doesn't feel like it!)

Do You Wanna Join the Chaos?

Ok, just to warn you right up front, this is not going to be one of my more serious blogs!  It has been an especially stressful day and so I thought I would share something a bit more lighthearted!

It started as an accident actually.  My Myrah girl is away at college and we are missing each other, so I decided to send her a series of different videos: her brothers saying hello, and other silly things.  All of this was happening one night while I was cleaning up supper.  We had eaten spaghetti, and anyone who has ever mixed spaghetti and toddlers needs no further explanation, but for
those of you who have missed out on this delightful experience, I will cue you in on the fact that spaghetti noodles never stay on the table, and they stick to everything.  Add to this a bit of yogurt and a quirky sense of humor and this is the message my sweet Myrah got!  Of course I actually sang it to her, but I will spare you that pain! 

Do You Want to Join the Chaos
words by Marla Graham, music from Disney :)

Do you wanna join the chaos?
There's yogurt on the walls.
Spaghetti noodles everywhere,
There in my hair....there even down the hall.

I use to have a clean house
But now I don't
Children have come to stay
Do you want to join the choas?
It doesn't have to be just chaos.

Myrah responded, "I don't miss that!" and I responded,

"Okay bye"

Keep smiling my friends and find humor in the small things!  Questions, comments, or therapeutic advice?  Feel free to contact me!

^{Proverbs 17:22} A joyful heart is good medicine,
    but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

This Old House

When I saw this house being torn down the other day, I was struck by incredible sadness.  No, I have never lived there.  In fact, I don't know that I have noticed the house much in the past.  So why was I sad?  Well, I couldn't help thinking about the original builder.

Was it a young man, eager to build a first home for his new bride?  Was he filled with uncontainable excitement as he told his beloved about their first home?

Was it a family farm that had been passed down from generation to generation?  Did the man build it with his own hands?

I couldn't stop thinking about the stories that house had watched unfold: first loves, Christmas celebrations, countless birthdays, a family working together, new life, death, so many things had happened inside these walls.

By now though, those glory days have come and gone and the mark of time and life itself has brought this house to the point where the owner felt it was no longer worth saving.  The valuables have been removed, and all that is left is for the structure to be leveled.

That got me thinking about my own life and how it is like that of a house.  God was the original builder.  He worked hard and planned out all of my days.  (Job 14:5) 

Was he filled with excitement as He talked to His beloved Father God about all the things that lie ahead for this "house?"  Was there long discussions about the family history being started in this new establishment? 

Lo and behold, the "house" was built and I entered the world, just as God had planned and then began to be marked by life itself.  Sin began leaking into my life and making my "house" worn down.  Sometimes the sin that brought destruction to my house was of no fault of my own, and other times....oh other times, I brought the damage on myself.  It wasn't long before my "house" began to look as if it needed some repairs.  As my "house" weathered more days and more damage, it began to look as if it might indeed be beyond repair.  Perhaps it would be more cost effective to simply tear it down and start over?

Oh but that is not at all how God works! 2 Corinthians 4:16 assures us, "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day."  I am so thankful that God will always view me as a work in progress and a "house" worth saving! 

Oh there are definitely areas that need repaired, but the Master builder will be certain to provide the best care and needed repairs.  You know this makes me think of a song.  

It is an old Sunday School song, He's Still Working On Me The words are:

He's still working on me
To make me what I ought to be
Took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars
The sun and the Earth and Jupiter and Mars
How loving and patient He must be
'Cause He's still working on me

  Think I will have a necklace made with this image on it!  Blessings my friends, I am going to spend this season of Thanksgiving being thankful for the truth of Hebrews 12:2, "fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

Compassionate Judgement?

If you follow my blog, then you know that for the last 6 years we have been walking through the world of foster parenting.  Two years ago, the goal for two of the four blessings we have was changed to termination of parental rights.  For two years we have navigated the never-ending roller coaster ride of canceled and postponed court dates.  

At the beginning of the journey we were hopeful that the biological parents would be able to get the help they needed and reunify with the kids.  But as the years ticked by, and more kids were added to our number, and as they continued to struggle with making good life choices, we realized that termination of parental rights would be what was best for the kids.  Each of these sweet babies deserve a permanent, stable future and after 6 years of instability we were ready to move on.

Well the day finally arrived, with great anticipation we headed down to the court house ready to have an end to this craziness, at least for two of these babies.  We were filled with excitement and nervousness as we entered the courtroom and the trial for termination actually began.  The judge was seated at the bench, the state's attorney and DCFS lawyers were ready to go.  The biological parents were there with their attorneys, and we were sitting with our attorney.  Ready, set, go!

Then the strangest thing happened.  As I looked at my brother's face and his wife's face, I was struck with an overwhelming sense of sadness for them.  I was expecting a different emotion...joy that judgement day had finally arrived, "You made your bed, so go lie in it," kind of sentiments. Instead, I was heartbroken at the finality of all of this for them.  The children that they birthed would no longer be connected to them in anyway.  No longer would they have any legal rights to them, even the birth certificates would erase their existence from the lives of these kids.  I should have been jumping for joy...this has been a long, hard battle.  They have been terrible to the children, and terrible to my husband and I.  Time after time they had the opportunity to make changes and they did not even one time choose to make any real alterations.  They may have given a little lip service here or there but in the end they each went right back to the  lifestyles that got the children removed in the first place.  So why was I feeling compassion rather that satisfaction?

As I thought more on this, I couldn't help but connect the events of this situation to what is coming for all of us in the future.  Someday each of us will face our final judgement day (Matthew 25:31-46) and I couldn't help but wonder if God's heart would be as heavy as mine was for these biological parents.  Will He be heartbroken for the people who gave lip service but no real commitment to the life changing relationship with their maker?  Will He be filled to overflowing with compassion for people who continued in their lifestyle even though they had been given opportunities for change?  Will He feel tears spring up as He looks into the eyes of His creation and has to pronounce the judgement that he/she has chosen for him/herself?  I can imagine that His heart will be broken that day, knowing that He did all He could and yet hell is what is awaiting these people.  No more second chances, His name will be forever removed from their birth certificate.  This time, not because He chose that but because they chose to erase His existence from their lives.  It will be a sad, sad day for the Maker of Heaven and Earth when He has to stand in that "courtroom" as tears of compassion roll down His cheeks.  I guarantee He will have no thoughts of, "Well you made your bed..."  Rather, He will likely have to turn away as sadness overwhelms Him when the final judgement is read.

Thoughts?  Questions or Comments?  As always, I love to hear from you!

Living Sacrifice

Well the day has arrived, actually the week has arrived.  Today we have court for what we had hoped would be to be able to intervene and begin moving toward adoption on all 4 of our blessings.  Then on Wednesday, we will begin the proceedings for 2 of them toward termination.  However, with great frustration we were told that our petition to intervene and for full custody has been continued...oh how I hate that word, "continued."

Instead, there has been a petition entered to remove all three boys from our home and now, that is what court is in regards to today.  I have been anxious for days about this.  I have whined to the Lord that this battle has been raging for 6 long years.  I reminded him that I am tired and that enough is enough.  I pointed to their sweet faces and pointed out that they needed permanency and we all had hoped to be able to enjoy our summer without all this drama.  I kicked, I screamed...and God did what any good parent would do.  He reminded me in His gentle way that He was in charge and not me.

He has been speaking to me through verses and various words of encouragement from friends, but then in church yesterday He was finally able to shake me from my tantrum.  It happened during praise and worship.  We were singing Matt Redman's song, "Lay Me Down."  Some of the lyrics read,

I lay me down I'm not on my own
I belong to You alone
Lay me down, lay me down
Hand on my heart, this much is true
There's no life apart from You
Lay me down, lay me down
Lay me down, lay me down

Letting go of my pride
Giving up all my rights
Take this life and let it shine
Take this life and let it shine

It will be my joy to say
Your will, Your way
It will be my joy to say
Your will, Your way
It will be my joy to say
Your will, Your way
Always

As I was singing the lyrics I began to wrestle with whether or not it was my joy to say, "Your will, Your way."  I realized what I truly had been saying is, "My will, my way."  It reminded me of the Scripture from Romans 12:1-2, "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

Years ago, I was in a Bible study where we were discussing this very passage and an older gentleman remarked, "The problem with a living sacrifice is that it keeps crawling off the altar."   Certainly that seems to be the case for me here.  Six years ago when we began this journey, I committed our path to the Lord.  I promised to love each of these babies and told God we would walk this path with Him, wherever it lead. I committed to being a living sacrifice.  

Did I know then how hard this would be?  No.  

Did I know then how long the battle would rage on?  No.

Does it matter?  No

Is God good?  Yes!

Does He love me?  Yes!

Does He love these babies?  Yes!

So this morning, as we prepare for court, I am going to (try to) get back up on that altar and be the living sacrifice I committed to being long ago.  Here's hoping I don't crawl back off the altar!

Prayers?  Questions?  Please feel free to contact me!   

Faith Dance

 

 
So my last post was a bit heavy hearted.  Ok, ok, a lot heavy-hearted!  I admit that we are still walking through some dark and troubling days. And, I still feel very much like we are waiting to hear the final diagnosis.  However, we do not wait without hope. 

As a young girl, I took some dance lessons. I was not really born to be a dancer, but I wanted to be! So after dance class, I would run through all of the moves we had learned to whatever dance we were working on. I would play them over and over again in my head. I often didn’t have the actually music to the song we were performing so I would try to “hear” it in my head. (It was before the days of internet and YouTube!) It was also before, "Dancing with the Stars" or I would have added that to my dream!

As I was pondering our situation and anticipating some upcoming court dates, it stuck me that that those dance days are somewhat like our life right now. Though I cannot “hear” God working...I am able to move forward knowing that I have walked through these moves before. That I have already rehearsed with music times when I could see God moving and “hear” what He was saying. So now, without the music, I must have the faith to run through the dance.  The truth is, the music is still playing (God is still here and working), but for this season, I must move forward without hearing it.   Hebrews 11:1 reminds us that, "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see," so though I am sometimes troubled by all that may lie ahead, I will lace up my dancing shoes and begin moving through the steps I have rehearsed so many times before.  My dance partner is amazing and He knows all the steps...in fact He even created the music! 

 Keep Dancing! 

Marla