The Heart of God

This is an "old" writing but I am reposting today in honor of my Myrah's 17th birthday (on the 9th!)  It was my first published article, enjoy! 

The heart, what an incredible and complex part of our body!  It doesn’t take a doctor or scientist to realize that this muscle is phenomenal.  It pumps every ounce of blood that our body needs throughout our entire system.  Somehow just the right amounts go to all the right places. What an awesome creator we have!  But, sometimes we have heart troubles.  Now, I am speaking of the physical heart right now.  We hear almost daily of someone having a heart attack or a bypass.  Today I would like to share the story of a little four month old baby girl.

            The baby girl I am referring to is my own.  Her name is Myrah and her life has changed mine forever.  She was born seemingly perfect.  7 lbs. 11 oz.  19 inches long, dark skin and tons of jet black hair.  A beautiful baby girl!  Now she is my second child and so my husband and I were some what versed at this parenting thing.  Her older brother was born only 15 months prior and we had struggled through that pregnancy.  Jeremiah was a twin but because of my sickness and inability to keep anything down, I lost one of the babies.  I tell you this so you can understand how relieved we were that Myrah was born so healthy.  My pregnancy with her was still filled with much sickness and we, as probably all parents, were anxious for her arrival to be assured that she was healthy. 

            There were subtle signs as we began our lives together that things were not okay.  Myrah slept a lot and it was difficult to wake her for feedings.  When she was awake she would nurse only a few minutes and would fall back asleep.  She didn’t roll over or hold her head up as quickly as her brother seemed to.  But, we are taught not to compare our children and so my husband and I attributed it to a difference in personality.  When she was three months old I took her to the emergency room because she seemed to have a bluish tint to her.  The doctor shrugged it off and diagnosed it as a cold.  He prescribed some cold medicine and sent us home.  It wasn’t until a month later when our pediatrician was examining her at a well baby check up that we knew for sure something was wrong.  He told my husband that Myrah had a heart murmur.  Now, although we did not know it until then, heart murmurs are fairly common among children.  He tried to

reassure my husband of this and sent us to the hospital for an EKG.  To make a long story short, we ended up in a cardiologist’s office and we were scared to death.  After a few tests we were told that our baby had a hole in her heart.  I think that is the scariest statement I have ever heard in my whole life.  Myrah had what they call patent ductus arteriosus (P.D.A.) and required surgery as soon as possible.  Now the way God designed the heart is that before a baby is born there are two openings in the heart.  One is between the right and left sides and one is at the top between the pulmonary artery and the aorta.  These are designed to close at birth.  The reason for these holes prior to birth is that they allow blood to flow to the lungs and sort of “exercise” them since there is no air to prepare them for the “big day.” Myrah’s hole was the one located between the pulmonary valve and the aorta.  Instead of needing open heart surgery, the surgeon was going to be able to go in through her back between her ribs and fix the problem.

At the time though, it made no difference, our baby was going to be cut open and they were going to be working on her heart.  Even as I write this the butterflies start up in my stomach.  It was and is an incredibly scary thought. 

            Our God is so powerful though and he had reminded of this all the way through.

Remember the emergency room trip when Myrah was three months old?  Well the doctor had prescribed too high of a dosage of cold medicine for a 3 month old.  He had measured out the first dose at one teaspoon.  Fortunately, having an 18 month old already who only took a half teaspoon, I knew this dose was wrong.  I refused to give it to Myrah and in my stubbornness gave her none of the medication at all.  Two months later as we met with the cardiologist one of the first things he warned us about was cold medicine.  He told us that Myrah’s heart was already working so hard to get the blood throughout her body, (because most of it was falling back into the lungs) that ANY cold medicine would cause her heart to slow down and could kill her.  Isn’t it incredible how God can protect us?

            Myrah is almost three years old as I sit writing this.  She has been completely healed by the surgery and the grace of God.  Her heart is still bigger on one side than the other but eventually that will even out.  We just tell everyone she has a big heart!  Now she does have the energy she lacked in her first few months, in fact we joke that because her heart is bigger that she has twice as much energy as most toddlers!   Although, to some degree I am sure that this is true!!  She is a beautiful and very healthy little girl.

            So why do I tell you all of this?  Well at the beginning of all of this I mentioned that we hear of heart trouble often and I was speaking of the physical type.  I would like to just turn that a bit and focus on the heart of God.  In the years since Myrah’s surgery I have really come to think about the heart of God.  Remembering how scary it was to sit in that doctor’s office and hear that my baby had a hole in her heart still brings chills to my spine.  However, when I think about the hole that must be in God’s heart because of my sins, the ache he must feel to know that he paid the cost of his one and only son for us and yet we still turn away from him.  It is fairly obvious if you read the papers or listen to the news at all to see that the world is falling apart around us.  Satan is running rampant in our schools and in our towns.  Oh, how God’s heart must ache as he sees guns

and drugs in the hands of innocent children.  As he sees his children turning from what they know is right, He must cry a river of tears.  As those we set up in leadership turn their hearts toward the things of this world instead of the eternal things of heaven, there must be a gaping hole in the heart of our creator.  There is an old WhiteHeart song that says, “We are His hands, We are His feet...”   I think to, we are His heart and I wonder what we can do to make a difference in the world, in our world today??

                                                                                                                        Marla Graham

                                                Published December 2003 in Hearts at Home Devotional

Parenting in my 20 vs. Parenting in my 40's

Most of you know that I have a wide range of ages between my kids, my oldest is 18 and my youngest is 7 months.  I know this is not the norm, but seriously if one more person calls me "Grandma" when I am out with the younger ones, I am not certain I will be able to contain myself.  I am not saying there is anything wrong with being a grandma, just that I am not quite ready for that journey yet.  I cannot even count the times I have been called, "Grandma" by some well meaning, but clearly clueless person!  I wish I could tell them what I am thinking  "Listen, it is only because I love Jesus that they are not looking for your body!"  but I am trying to be a good example to these kids that are ALWAYS watching me, so I refrain!  I don't make this stuff up, when I went to bring the last little bundle of joy home from the hospital my friend Tori went with my because my husband could not.  As we were leaving, Tori was loaded down with all the bags and such and I was carrying the baby and the receptionist said, "Oh Grandma is going to carry the baby out."  My friend, Tori, burst out laughing and I just shook my head and exited the building before I could commit a crime.  So all of that has gotten me to thinking about the obvious differences in parenting from when I was in my 20's to now when I am in my EARLY 40's (not nearly old enough to be a grandma)!  Here is a list I compiled of some of the differences:

*At 20, you pretend not to hear the baby over the monitor in hopes that your husband will get the baby,
  At 40, you seriously don't hear the baby over the monitor

*At 20, when you take them to the bathroom you put a seat cover down and wait for them to go,
  At 40, you say, "Honey, Mommy has to go first and then it can be your turn ok?"

*At 20, you boil every bottle part and pacifier anytime it comes into contact with anything other than the       baby,
At 40, you dip it in your coffee and hope it is still hot enough to kill any germs.

*At 20, you play run and catch games and you let them win
  At 40, they actually win, even when you don't want them to.

*At 20, you play ball with the kids and run all the bases
  At 40, you are all time pitcher.

*At 20, when you child brings you a broken toy, you take it apart and examine it to fix whatever might be    wrong
 At 40, you bring your broken electronics to  your kids for them to examine and fix whatever might be wrong

*At 20, you sweat the small stuff, worry over every little detail and possible dilemma

  At 40, you just sweat...seriously I totally get the whole hot flash thing now!

and the one thing that has stayed the same...

*At 20, you love your kids and would do anything for them
  At 40, you love your kids and would do anything for them!

Dealing with Disappointment?

Boy has disappointment smacked me in the face lately.  Disappointment in my fellow man, disappointment with the court systems, disappointment with life, and even disappointment with God.  Have you ever been there?
I was just reading about Moses as he led the Israelites out of Egypt and then spent the next disappointing 40 years in the dessert.  As if all of that was not enough, he receives some more news...lets pick up the story in Deuteronomy 34:16-18,
"The Lord said to Moses, "You are about to die an join your ancestors.  After you are gone, these people will begin to worship foreign gods, the gods of the lands where they are going.  They will abandon me and break my covenant that I have made with them.  Then my anger will blaze forth against them.  I will abandon them, hiding my face from them, and they will be devoured.  Terrible trouble will come down on them, and they will be devoured..."  Wow, talk about watching your life work go up in smoke. Moses, had given these people the last of his years.  He had faithfully served them, instructed them, protected them, guided them, and now, on his death bed, he hears that they are going to walk away from all he has worked for.  I guess this is a good reminder of a few things:

1- You can only change you, you have influence over others but ultimately they have to make their own choices.  This means you can do everything right and your "children will" still have the freedom to make the wrong choices (Not that Moses did EVERYthing right, or that you or I do for that matter :)

2- We work for God and not man.  I imagine Jeremiah could relate to Moses, as he preached repentance day after day only to watch his fellow country men walk in disobedience.  Sometimes, we do not see the results of our work this side of Heaven.  That should not keep us from moving ahead in obedience to God's call.  Ephesians 6:7 reminds us, "Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men."


So what ever disappointment you are facing today, I hope you will be encouraged to keep your eyes on Jesus, who never disappoints us, never leaves us, never forsakes us, and work as if you are serving Him and not the people around you.

Ten years from now?

I had a job interview this morning and things were clipping along rather well, and then...it happen!  She asked me a question I couldn't answer.  I took the question in stride and fiddled up some half hearted answer but it has been bothering me ever since.  The question was quite typical, "Where do you see yourself in ten years?" and yet I really truly didn't and still, hours later, don't know the answer.  I guess I should, it is a typical interview question, it's just that ten years ago, I didn't see myself here.

Ten years ago, I was Momma to 4: Jeremiah was 8, Myrah 6, Jennah 5, and Mikaylah 2.  I had just ended our homeschooling journey and was sending my oldest three off to public school for the first time.  My heart was heavy at the thought of days gone by and I was just starting to contemplate reentering the working world.  My husband was working a construction job and ministry was only a glimmer of hope on the distant horizon.

Fast forward ten years.  My husband is a full time pastor, and I am now Momma to 7, ages 18, 16, 15, 12, 4, 2, and 7 months.  I have just taken my oldest to college  (How did that even happen?)  and today my 3 older girls had there first day of school.  My heart is heavy at the thought of days gone by and once again I am thinking about reentering the working world! Funny how life changes and stays the same all at the same time!

Proverbs 29:18 tells us. "Where there is no vision, the people will perish."  So it would seem that making a plan, having a vision for where we think we are headed, is a good, life sustaining  thing. In fact, ten years ago I had a plan!  Of course my reality looks nothing like the plan I had mapped out!  But then if we look back at Proverbs 16:9 we can read, "The mind of man plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps." Now this more accurately describes my journey!  This verse reminds me that, though it is good to have a goal, or a vision in sight, it is more important to be open to what God's purpose, or plan for you is. 

A lot of things have happened in the last ten years that I could not have foreseen ten years ago, some of them good, some of them bad, all of them God ordained! And I guess that is the only thing we can be certain of ten years from now!  So where do I see myself in ten years?  I guess the best answer I can give is, "In God's hands!"

Never Enough

I don't know, maybe it is just a mom thing?  Almost every night when I crawl into to bed, I look back at my day and think things like, "I should have read that book with Skyler." or "Oh, I promised Kz a bike ride." or, "I should have made a healthier supper, should have swam with the kids, should have asked my husband about his meeting, should have called that friend who is struggling...." The list goes on and on and I go to bed with hopes of doing better the next day.  Some how I always feel as if the things I have done quite simply, aren't enough.

I guess if I was honest, this is something I have struggled with most of my days, long before I became a mom.  "I could have gotten a better grade on that."  "I should have have helped my mom with the dishes."  "I should have prayed more, spoken kinder, helped more..."  So maybe it is just a girl thing?  Or is it just a human kind thing?

I was having one of those nights a few days ago.  I was climbing into bed and had to clear off a coloring book and crayons when I remembered that Sky had asked me to color a picture with her while I was making supper.  Instantly my heart was saddened to think I had missed this opportunity.  I know how quickly childhood flows by.  I am reminded everyday as August approaches and my oldest "baby" is planning on heading off to college.  I should know better... Well halfway through my usual self repulsive rant, this song by Tenth Avenue North came on the radio.  The title is, "You Are More," and here are some of the lyrics:


There's a girl in the cornerWith tear stains on her eyesFrom the places she's wanderedAnd the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?I'm not who I once was.And I'm crippled by the fearThat I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,What's been done for you?Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,You are more than the problems you create,You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe itThat she's been given new lifeBut she can't shake the feelingThat it's not true tonight

She knows all the answersAnd she's rehearsed all the linesAnd so she'll try to do betterBut then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,You are more than the problems you create,You've been remade...

'Cause this is not about what you've done,But what's been done for you.This is not about where you've been,But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,But what He felt to forgive you,And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,You are more than the problems you create,You've been remade...


It was as if Jesus Himself came and sat on my bed to sing me this song!  I realized that it isn't about all that I have or haven't done. It IS about what Jesus has done FOR me, not BECAUSE of my actions...I am enough because I could never be enough.  Does that make sense to anyone but me?!  It is true that I have shortcomings, but then that was the whole reason God sent HIS son in the first place, to redeem an unredeemable people, me included! After all 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, "...My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."  and Paul, the writer of Corinthians, goes on to say, "Therefore I will boast all the more glady about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."  
So the next time the "Never Enoughs" come looking for me at bedtime, I am going to boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me.....well I am going to try anyway!  
If you want to hear the song by Tenth Avenue North, here is a link,    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgi-G-dHYkY&feature=share

Even Prince Charming...

Ah, Price Charming, the fictional man that women search for and men...well, men hate!  As little girls, we begin hearing and watching tales of this heroic young man long before we even know how to read!  We dress up in our "Princess" clothes and wait to be rescued.

In my house, we actually have a Prince Charming!  From about the time my youngest daughter was three, she has referred to her oldest brother, now 17, as "Charming!  The first time it happen, she was lying in bed with me and a spider crawled across my ceiling.  She began yelling, "Charming, Charming...come rescue me!"  My son came in, killed the spider and told her that he was not Prince Charming.  She was not deterred, and even now will holler out,  "Charming, Charming...come rescue me,"  whenever she is in "danger."

Skyler's desire to be rescued by Charming echos the heart of so many grown women, including, at times, myself.  You see we grow up hearing the fairy tales and then we begin our own quest for Prince Charming, we find him and marry him and often, he turns into a frog!  So what happened?  Was he a frog all along, or is there something wrong with our thinking?  And maybe, just maybe, we aren't the princess we started out to be?

This past week I celebrated my 19th wedding anniversary.  My husband and I started celebrating about 1:30 in the morning when our 4 month old woke up, and woke his 20 month old brother up to join the fun.  Apparently they had planned an early morning surprise party for us, that lasted until well after 4 AM!  To add to the fun, while unplugging an alarm clock from a kitchen outlet, flames shot out and caused the circuit breakers to pop.  By 7 AM I was covered in baby puke and at just after 8, my husband called to tell me that our BRAND NEW van was broken down and would require a tow back to the dealership.  None of this was a part of my fairytale anniversary plan.

In my ladies Sunday School class, we are studying Joyce Meyers, Battlefield of the Mind, and we just wrapped up our study of Chapter 14 where Meyers talks about the importance of right thinking and of filling our minds full of truth rather than wishes!  She shares the story of a woman whose life was in shambles and who had actually come to the point of despising her husband.  She prayed diligently for things to change but it wasn't until she discovered the error in her thinking that things began to look up.  She realized that she was, "mentally living in a world that did not exist and never would.  Therefore she was totally unprepared to deal with reality." (Meyers)

As we began to discuss this story, one of the experienced ladies in our group made this statement, "Girls, even Prince Charming farts."  Of course we all giggled, but then we began to think about the truth of that statement.  No person is perfect, I am certainly not, so why is it that I would expect my spouse to be?  He is human, he makes mistakes, and though he is my Prince Charming, he is not perfect.  We look at other couples and think, if only my husband was like that then I would be happy.  We watch the latest Nicholas Sparks film and think, "Oh I wish my husband would behave that way."  And often times, I let my idea of what should be spoil what is.  I get an idea in my head and allow it to tint everything else I see. 


How about you?  Have you painted some picture of "happily ever after" only to be disillusioned when reality came knocking? I encourage you to give your thoughts the truth test this week and see if it changes anything for you.  The test comes from Philippians 4:8, "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."  So is this thought true?  If not toss it out and replace it with the truth.  Well maybe it is true but is it noble?  No?  Then why are you letting it take up space in your mind?  Go through the entire verse and put your thoughts to the the test.  Remember to that when we look at other couples, we are looking from the outside and have no idea what may truly be going on.  And as for the latest Nicholas Sparks tale, well it is considered fiction for a reason!

I am praying today for your marriage, and for mine!  Let me know how that truth test goes for you!  I always love hearing from you!
Blessings, Marla

Blank pages

You know what I love?  I absolutely, unashamedly, adore a brand new journal.  All those unmarked pages just begging for some inspired words.  Perfectly blank, crisp and clean opportunities to pour out my thoughts, prayers, ideas, and inspirations.  A new journal...a new beginning!

Whenever I finish with one journal and begin a new one, I approach with great caution.  I select a pen that will not be drippy, or blotchy.  I use my very best penmanship, and carefully organize each new entry.  I wonder if God felt that same way the first time He cracked open the "Lamb's Book of Life."  As He thumbed through the fresh, empty pages and thought of each name He wanted to write in it, as He thought of your name and my name, of my neighbor's name, and my sisters, etc.

Was He filled with excitement at the potential these blank pages held?  Did He chose the perfect pen, one that wasn't drippy or blotchy? (does Heaven even contain anything but perfect pens?)  Maybe His heart felt a twinge of sadness over all that would be required before one name could be written in His book?  Maybe, He felt much like a mother in labor, knowing that pain was unavoidable, but new life would be the end result, making the pain worth the labor? 

Almost as much as I love starting a new journal, I love when I have filled one up from cover to cover.  I love to look back and see all the things that God has done throughout the journey of this particular journal: what prayers have been answered, what heartaches set right, what ways God has chipped away at a brokenness inside of me and carved it into something that looks more like His heart, what things I still don't understand.  Ahhh, there is nothing like a full journal!

As I was thinking about all of this the other day it struck me that God's heart must be so sad at all of the blank pages that remain in His book.  I so look forward to that day when He calls us home but I cannot help thinking what a tragedy it will be when that day comes and the "Lamb's Book of Life" is cracked open and thumbed through only to reveal blank pages.....blank pages that should be filled with the names of those I know who have not given their life to Christ: my neighbor, the store clerk, my friend at the bank, all those people on my Facebook friend list, all of those people I SHOULD have told about Jesus. Here are a few Scriptures about that day:

^{Revelations 20:15} Anyone whose name was not found written in the book of life was thrown into the lake of fire.

^{Revelations 21:22} I did not see a temple in the city, because the Lord God Almighty and the Lamb are its temple. ²³ The city does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and the Lamb is its lamp. ²⁴ The nations will walk by its light, and the kings of the earth will bring their splendor into it. ²⁵ On no day will its gates ever be shut, for there will be no night there. ²⁶ The glory and honor of the nations will be brought into it. ²⁷ Nothing impure will ever enter it, nor will anyone who does what is shameful or deceitful, but only those whose names are written in the Lamb’s book of life.


So my challenge today is simple, spend some time thinking and praying about whose name you would like to see written in the "Lamb's Book of Life?"   I promise God would like to see their name written there also.  Seek God's face on this and see what part He would have you play in writing that perfect entry in His book.  When we get to Heaven I hope there is not one blank line in His book! Let me know how I can encourage you in this journey! Blessings :) Marla