Confessions of a Tiger Momma

I have often prided myself on being pretty genuine.  I am definitely a, "What you see is what you get," kind of girl.  In fact, if you browse through the blog posts here I hope you will see some of that "realness."  However, I realized the other day that, though I am being real, often times I share after I have found some sort of victory, rather than when I am knee deep in the muck and mire of the battle.  So today's post is just that, a peek into this messy tiger momma heart of mine.

First, I want to admit that I am a fairly laid back person.  I have always said it takes a lot to get me mad...BUT once I am mad, you should probably give me a little space to cool off.  There are a few areas that I am particularly "touchy" about, and one of those is my babies.  I can go from being a soft, cuddly kitten to a fiery wildcat in just seconds.  Well the tiger momma in me has been at the surface all week!

If you have been following my blogs, you know that I have the privilege to be called, "Momma," by 7 beautiful children, and you probably know that 3 of them are actually my niece and nephews.  For the past 6 years we have been battling for them in the juvenile court system.  It is a system that is absolutely broken and the process is not for the faint of heart.  We have had some victories and we have had some defeats.  Some major, and some minor, but this week, I feel as if we had a massacre.

I cannot share many details because of confidentiality, but I will share what I can.  This week, court was for my 15 month old.  He has been in our home since birth.  If you know anything about DCFS and the foster care system, then you will know that the focus is on reunifying a child with his/her birth family.  This means that sometimes, actually often times, the decisions made are to benefit the parent, with little or no regard to the child involved.  

We knew going into court that there was a possibility that the judge would decide that a "return home" goal was appropriate.  But, I have been studying and claiming Scripture and I was sure that God was going to do something different.  The passage that I have been reading, and read again as we drove to court this week comes from Matthew 18.  I have been studying verses 1-11.  This passage talks about how valuable children are to God, and tells us that those who cause them harm would be better off having a millstone tied around their neck and being thrown into the depth of the sea.  But my favorite verse is 10 which reads, "See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven."  

So, as we walked through the court room doors, I was sure that the angels for this sweet baby, had gone before us.  I felt like David must have felt as he stepped up to face Goliath.  I had my five stones in hand, but I was sure I would only need one as I watched God make this giant tumble.  

As you have probably guessed by now, the battle did not go the way I had hoped.  The judge decreed that the goal for our baby boy was to remain return home withing 12 months.  I was not surprised, we have walked this painful journey before, but I was disappointed.  I was just so sure that God was going to give us a miracle.  Hmm...makes me think of the Scripture that says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord." (Isaiah 55:8).  

I left the court house pretty bruised, but not broken.  Honestly?  I was pretty mad at God.  I know He could have given us the miracle we were hoping for, I knew that it was even in line with what His word, and I was just disappointed.  I still know and believe God has a plan, and that there are things happening behind the scenes that I do not see or understand, but the tiger momma in me has spent my week licking my wounds.  Then yesterday while I was whining, I remembered this scripture from Romans 5:2b-5, "rejoice in hope of the glory of God. ³ And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; ⁴ and perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."  

What have I learned?  To summarize:

1.  God is God and I am not!

Yep that summarizes it!  Thanks for sharing in this messy journey with me, and for understanding that even a tiger momma has to sometimes (actually always) sit back and let God battle for her!

Dealing with Disappointment?

Boy has disappointment smacked me in the face lately.  Disappointment in my fellow man, disappointment with the court systems, disappointment with life, and even disappointment with God.  Have you ever been there?
I was just reading about Moses as he led the Israelites out of Egypt and then spent the next disappointing 40 years in the dessert.  As if all of that was not enough, he receives some more news...lets pick up the story in Deuteronomy 34:16-18,
"The Lord said to Moses, "You are about to die an join your ancestors.  After you are gone, these people will begin to worship foreign gods, the gods of the lands where they are going.  They will abandon me and break my covenant that I have made with them.  Then my anger will blaze forth against them.  I will abandon them, hiding my face from them, and they will be devoured.  Terrible trouble will come down on them, and they will be devoured..."  Wow, talk about watching your life work go up in smoke. Moses, had given these people the last of his years.  He had faithfully served them, instructed them, protected them, guided them, and now, on his death bed, he hears that they are going to walk away from all he has worked for.  I guess this is a good reminder of a few things:

1- You can only change you, you have influence over others but ultimately they have to make their own choices.  This means you can do everything right and your "children will" still have the freedom to make the wrong choices (Not that Moses did EVERYthing right, or that you or I do for that matter :)

2- We work for God and not man.  I imagine Jeremiah could relate to Moses, as he preached repentance day after day only to watch his fellow country men walk in disobedience.  Sometimes, we do not see the results of our work this side of Heaven.  That should not keep us from moving ahead in obedience to God's call.  Ephesians 6:7 reminds us, "Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men."


So what ever disappointment you are facing today, I hope you will be encouraged to keep your eyes on Jesus, who never disappoints us, never leaves us, never forsakes us, and work as if you are serving Him and not the people around you.

Hope

Hope- I just love that word.  As soon as I hear it something deep inside me feels refreshed, like an ice cold drink of water after a hot day of gardening.  According to the Hought Mifflin dictionary the definition of hope as a verb is:

1. To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.
2. Archaic To have confidence; trust.

Now I would bet that we all have hopes and dreams, for ourselves and for our children.  We hope for good health, we hope our children will be successful, hey we hope we will be successful!  We hope for everyday miracles:  I hope this dress will fit, I hope the check comes in the mail today, I hope so and so doesn’t stop by today…  Well you get the picture! 

It is funny the strength you can get from hope.  When I was younger and really struggling with life I had a huge hope.  I had a hope for rising above the circumstances I found myself in.  Travis Tritt had a song that I would sing with all my heart and at the top of my lungs, “I’m gonna be somebody.  One of these days I’m gonna break these chains.  Yeah, I’m gonna be somebody someday, you can bet your bottom dollar I will….”  Even now as I write out the words to that song I can feel my heart pounding with anticipation.  Isn’t that what hope does?  It gives us something to look forward to.  If you have ever felt like you were in a hopeless situation and then found something to hope for, you understand the power of hope. 

Awhile back I was in a situation that seemed hopeless, no matter which way I looked there seemed to be no solution, no sign of rescue or release.  I struggled for days, even weeks with this feeling of hopelessness.  Every area of my life was affected: my relationship with my husband and kids suffered, my desire to get out of bed in the morning was vacant, my joy was AWOL, and most of all my prayer life was empty.  It is hard to pray when your heart is so full of hurt and so empty of hope.  Then God brought a verse to mind that I had memorized as a youth.  It comes from Psalm 20 verse 7, “Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we will trust in the name of the Lord God.”  You see, when we are feeling hopeless, the truth is we have to put our hope in the wrong thing.  We have taken our focus off of God, who is our hope, and placed in on chariots and horses, or friends and family, or circumstances and events.  When we place our trust, our hope in Christ, we will NEVER be disappointed.  Things may not always go the way we would like but we will have assurance that God is in control and we are in His hands.  No matter what, if we have a relationship with Christ, we always have the hope of better things to come.  Though things on earth often leave us feeling hopeless, we know that it will all pass away and we can look forward to eternity in Heaven with our Creator!  So in the words on Third Days song My Hope is in You, “My hope is in You/ Show me Your ways/ Guide me in truth/ In all my days/ My hope is in You”