The Heart of the Matter

Goodness, what a great summer we have been enjoying here in the Midwest.  I think we have swam more this summer so far than all of last year combined, and though the last few days have been unseasonably cool, we are hoping to enjoy some splashing in the sun by this afternoon.

Maybe it's just us, but every year there seems to be that one item that we have purchased, undoubtedly on clearance at the end of the last summer season, that everyone wants.  Sometimes it is a particular raft, other times a pool toy that has unknown magical powers!  Goggles are the coveted item in this year's pool.  Not just any pair though, because we have at least 4 pairs out there at last count.  No, this years coveted goggles are THE ones (yep just one pair) that not only cover your eyes and allow the ability to see underwater without that awful chlorine burn, but also cover your nose so that you don't have to plug it. These goggles are not too big, not too small, but alas, these goggles are just right.  More than one squabble has erupted over this coveted pair of goggles.

The other day as I was watching my Skyler girl swimming around in the goggles it made me remember my pool days from years gone by. (More years than I care to mention:) I remember as a little girl, laying on my back underwater and looking up through the water at the distorted view of what was above the waters. Sometimes I would squint my eyes and try to make sense of what it was I was actually seeing, while other times I would swim around oblivious to what was actually happening above the water or even right around me. Other times, as I navigated the murky lake waters, I was only able to see what was right in front of me.

Actually that is exactly how I could describe these last few years.  I have been so overwhelmed with the circumstances around me that I have not always been able to see very clearly and only had the time or energy to focus on what was right in front of me.  Raising 8 kids is not an easy task under normal circumstances, but when you factor in the additional circumstances of NEVER ENDING court dates and battles, multiple false allegations, constant caseworker visits, a broken foster care system, extended family heartache, and ministry challenges you have a recipe for short sighted survival mode.

That's it really, these past few years we have just been treading water and surviving.  We could see the shore in the distance but every time we tried to swim toward it, we would be swept away by the current of our circumstances.  If you know me, then you know that a lot of time was spent making sure everyone had on their life vests, and that they were nice and tight, but it seems that no sooner would I get one life vest tethered up just right, that another would come loose and I would have to turn my attention to that situation.  Eight years of this can be exhausting.  Eight years of this has been exhausting. On more than one occasion I have comforted myself with the lyrics of the old hymn, "Oh soul are you weary and troubled, no light in the darkness you see? There's light for a look at the Savior and life more abundant and free. Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace." (Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus written by Helen Lemmel)

I imagine that Paul could relate to my circumstances when he penned these words in 2 Corinthians 4:

 ⁸ We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 

Paul was weary from the constant trouble of his day, not the same troubles that I have been facing, and probably not the troubles that you have been facing, but a troubled heart is a troubled heart.  And though I do not know what trials you are facing this day, I know the same God that Paul writes about and the hope He brings.  Paul ends that same chapter by writing:

¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Have you ever read a passage like that and walked away thinking, "Well good for you Paul. I'm glad it worked out for you, but I'm just not feeling it?" In all honesty I can say that I have.  I know that Jesus told us that in this world we would have trouble, and reassured us to  "take heart" because he has overcome the world. (John 16:33)  It's just that I didn't expect to have this much trouble and I am disillusioned by the weight of these last eight years.  And I have allowed my heart to become heavy with things rather than trusting God with them, and in doing so my heart sprung a leak and began taking in water.  Heavier and heavier it grew and I just keep doggie paddling.  Treading water will help you survive but doesn't really get you closer to the shore.  What it does get you is tired.  Unless...

Unless you are conditioned for it.  If you have taken the time to practice treading, to prepare your body for the endurance  it takes to stay afloat, to strengthen your core, then you can endure hours, weeks, and even years of treading water. No one makes it to the Olympics without hours, months and years of training and painful, and tiring workouts.

Our Spiritual bodies are no different, we must exercise our faith muscles to make them stronger.  We must work on the core of our spirit in order to strengthen our overall spirit.  So what is the core of our spirit?  I believe it is our heart.  The Bible is filled with verses about the heart and when we talk about giving our lives to Christ, we ask Him to come and live IN our hearts.  One of my favorite verses is a reminder to us of how important it is to take good care of our heart. Proverbs 4:23 tells us, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." 

Sounds like a core muscle to me!
Oh but these last few years my heart has felt so heavy, weighed down by the realities of the world, by my own poor choices, and sometimes I have just been going through the motions of being a Christian because it is what's expected.  I was sure God had a different answer for the trials I was facing, and when the battled ended and I was not the one taking the victory lap, something happen inside of me.  My core spiritual muscle got broken. And sometime during that battle, I lost heart, like an athlete who is on fire and overflowing with talent and then suffers a major injury and never really regains his or her fire for the game.  The headlines read, "Star Athlete Loses Heart." That is where I was standing, or rather laying.  My heart hasn't really been in it.  I continued to go to church, what else would the pastor's wife do?  I  continued to pray for others, to encourage others to walk in the faith, and to believe that God is who He says He is.  But my heart was working on autopilot and my vision was distorted as I lay flat on my back in the pool of brokenness.

This is not a good place to be, and after awhile you either run out of breath and die, or you muster your strength and swim to the surface to take a fresh breath of air.  The choice is yours, the air is available to everyone, if you want to put forth the effort it will take to swim to the surface.  I love this promise from Ezekiel 36 verse 26, "²⁶ I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh."
A new heart is there, fresh for the taking.  We can chose to leave our heart of stone behind and exchanged for a heart of flesh.  The best news is that God will perform the surgery, we just have to ask Him to!  Beyond that, He wants to serve as our personal trainer, strengthening our core muscle so that we can endure the hardships that are sure to come, and to heal from those that have already left their mark on us.

Last summer I read a book written by Dutch Sheets entitled, Hope Restored, and I assume it was the inspiration for Danny Gokey's new hit.  (You can listen to that here.) Pastor Sheets tells the amazing story of a heart surgeon who was struggling to get a patient's heart to restart.  Finally, out of other options, he leans down and whispers in the patient's ear, "Tell your heart to beat again," and miraculously that is exactly what happens!  He goes on to relate that perhaps God is saying that as He looks down into our broken hearts, the wounds are deep and our core is damaged.  Healing is on the shore, but every time we start to make progress toward it, we are swept again into the current by our circumstances.  Remember the story of Peter, who walked on the water with confidence UNTIL he took his eyes off Christ and began to sink (Matthew 14)? Perhaps, we simply need to, turn our eyes "upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face..."  and then we will be able to take a fresh new breath and exchange our heavy hearts for hearts that are renewed and strengthened for what lies ahead?  Will you join me for a swim?

Having a Martha Heart in a Mary (Merry) Household...

            Okay, I don’t know about you but every time I hear the story of Mary and Martha I can’t help but feel a little sorry for Martha.  Now I know that isn’t the “proper” response, certainly we see from Scripture that Mary “chose the better thing.”  I am just saying that if Martha hadn’t been there then there would have been a houseful of hungry men.  Seriously, think about it.  Martha was busy preparing a meal and doing “all the work to be done.”  It’s not like she was doing unnecessary things for Pete sake.  I mean somebody had to do the work that needed to be done while Mary sat at Jesus’ feet. 

            So am I the only one who has thought of this?  Is there anyone else out there who can relate way more to Martha than to Mary?  (I hope so!) It seems it is the same way in my own house, I suppose I could be seen as a “fun vacuum” if you ask my kids or husband, Jerry.  However, if everyone is having fun then who is going to fold the socks?  And I like flash light tag as much as the next gal but if no one cleans a path through the house then someone is going to wind up wounded when the lights are out.  So is there a way to balance a Martha heart with a Merry household?  Well, maybe…

            First let’s look at what Mary was doing.  The Scripture says she was “sitting at the feet of Jesus.”  Now this simply means that she was receiving instruction from him, she was learning from His teaching.  I will, sheepishly, admit that when I am preparing supper and Jerry is sitting on the couch I am quite easily angered, even if he is reading his Bible.  Sure, He is doing the better thing but won’t our children starve if one of us doesn’t cook for them.  Okay, back to Mary, it is safe to assume she was not playing a game of Chutes and Ladders or watching the newest video.  She was soaking up wisdom from the King of Kings, her Savior. 

Maybe that is the key, what the person is doing, so is it okay to ask your kids to do a chore (or two or three) when they would rather be playing?  I think even Jesus would agree that it is okay.  Playing and sitting at Jesus’ feet are two different things!  The trick is to find a balance.  The Scripture is filled with verses that talk about the value of hard work and not being lazy.  In fact Proverbs 19:15 states, “Laziness casts into a deep sleep, and an idle man will suffer hunger.”  My dad always said it like this, “You don’t work, you don’t eat!”  Verse 26 in chapter 10 of Proverbs says, “Like vinegar to the teeth and smoke to the eyes, so is the lazy one to those who send him. 

I think it is safe to say then that Mary was not being lazy when she chose to sit at Jesus feet, but Martha was not being lazy either so why does she get a rebuke from the Lord?  Well, let’s take a look at what she was doing.  She was busy doing the housework, type A personality for sure, but I can just imagine how things were playing out for her.  After all I have found myself, once or twice, in her shoes. 

She wakes up knowing that there is a lot to accomplish this day before her guests arrive.  My guess is that she rushed through breakfast, handing out orders and shared her expectations all the way through.  Or maybe she didn’t even communicate those expectations; after all, Mary should know what needs to be done without being told.  Next, Martha whipped out her “to do list” and began checking things off.  “Build a fire in the stove, check, put on water, check, chop vegetables for a salad, check, knead the bread dough, check….  All the while Mary is nowhere to be seen and Martha slowly begins to boil inwardly.  With each passing task Martha gets a little madder until she finally “blows.”  She looks in and here is Jesus and the disciples with…what…what is she doing in there….  So Martha marches in and declares, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me alone to do all the work?  Tell her to help me.”    Now Martha is expecting the Lord to side with her; she is hoping He will chastise Mary and set things right.  Imagine her surprise and hurt when He answers instead, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things.  Only one thing is important.  Mary has chosen the better thing, and it will never be taken away from her.”  I don’t suppose that made Martha feel an ounce better, and I have to admit it leaves me a bit puzzled also.  Here is Martha working her tail off trying to get things ready for Jesus and His disciples and Jesus tells her, “Mary has chosen the better thing.”  I imagine that Martha was expecting more along the lines of a word of thanks not a rebuke from the Lord. 

So why did Jesus respond to her this way?  Well 2 Samuel tells us that, “Man looks on the outward appearance but the Lord looks on the heart” and I imagine that is where the answer lies.  Jesus knew Martha’s heart.  Proverbs 4:23 tells us, “Above all else guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.”  Martha’s morning work had more to do with her than with being a servant.  I know this because as I have already confessed, I am a Martha.  I clean the house and run around like a mad woman when we are having people over because I want them to think well of me.  I am not doing it as a service to them or to my family.  Does that make sense?  It really is more about me than about serving company.  In trying to explain the frenzy that sets in upon the mere mention of company I have often said, “No one is going to leave this house and say, ‘That Jerry Graham is a terrible housekeeper.’ If we were honest most of us would probably admit that we think a messy house is a reflection on the lady of the house, right?  Martha, being the oldest sister was seen as the one in charge and so this may explain why she was worried about all the house work.  Oh, but there is a difference between being hospitable and being welcoming.

Or maybe it was something else.  Maybe she wanted to be recognized for all her hard work.  Look at me, look what I am doing for you, Jesus.  Have any of us ever felt that way?  Modern psychology would call it the “martyr syndrome.” Again I admit, I have often worked long into the night feeling sorry for myself and thinking about how lucky my family is to have me.  Pretty arrogant, huh?  Or I have worked long and hard on something, more for the praise than because I wanted to serve whoever it was for.  Paul reminds us though, in Ephesians (2:8-9) that we are saved by grace and not by the work we do so that we will not get caught up in boasting.  Well I haven’t got all the answers, that is for sure but I am pretty sure it is okay to have a little bit of Martha in you…just be sure to balance that with a Mary (merry) heart.  “A heart at peace gives life to the body…” Proverbs 14:30

Would love to hear your thoughts!

Heart Overflow

            Have you ever looked in the mirror and been surprised by what you see?  Well you may not like what you saw but you probably weren’t surprised.  Proverbs 27:19 says, “As in water face reflects face, So the heart of man reflects man.”  Now I am guessing that in Biblical days they didn’t have mirrors so they could only see their reflection in the water.  But what about that second part of the verse, “the heart of man reflects man,”  what does that mean?  And how can we know what is in our heart?” 

A few years ago my school students were studying this verse and they wondered how they could tell if someone had a “good” heart or a “bad” heart.  So we looked at the passage in Matthew 12:34 that says, “Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.”  Then we discussed how putting garbage in our lives-in our hearts- begins to poison it.  Take a glass of clean drinking water for example, pure and undefiled, quite refreshing on a hot summer day.  But what happens if we put just a little mud into the glass? Do you think many people would be interested in drinking it?  Probably not, because even a little dirt contaminates the water.  Now isn’t the same true of our hearts, even a little sin contaminates them? When we allow bitterness or frustration to come into our hearts, or when we harbor anger we are poisoning our hearts.  Eventually that poison will come out our mouth and stain our witness for Christ. 

So how do we clean our hearts?  Well the truth is, we have all sinned (Romans 3:23). Somewhere in the journey of life each of us have committed at least one sin, which means our hearts have been defiled!  So how do we fix that?  It starts with a prayer like the one David model for us in Psalm 51:10, “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”  Next we need to be proactive and guard our hearts against being contaminated again.  Paul tells us to take “every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.”  (2 Cor.10:5b)    When I am angry about a situation I need to take it to the Lord, to examine the truth of the situation and then take action.  Maybe that action is realizing I have some responsibility in what happen, or that I need to make some changes, or maybe even that I need to forgive someone.  Whatever it is, we are responsible to keep our hearts clean and when we blow it (as we often do...well at least I do) then we need to a cry out to God to, "create in me a clean heart..."

Walking the journey with you!  Would love to hear your thoughts!  

  

The Heart of God

This is an "old" writing but I am reposting today in honor of my Myrah's 17th birthday (on the 9th!)  It was my first published article, enjoy! 

The heart, what an incredible and complex part of our body!  It doesn’t take a doctor or scientist to realize that this muscle is phenomenal.  It pumps every ounce of blood that our body needs throughout our entire system.  Somehow just the right amounts go to all the right places. What an awesome creator we have!  But, sometimes we have heart troubles.  Now, I am speaking of the physical heart right now.  We hear almost daily of someone having a heart attack or a bypass.  Today I would like to share the story of a little four month old baby girl.

            The baby girl I am referring to is my own.  Her name is Myrah and her life has changed mine forever.  She was born seemingly perfect.  7 lbs. 11 oz.  19 inches long, dark skin and tons of jet black hair.  A beautiful baby girl!  Now she is my second child and so my husband and I were some what versed at this parenting thing.  Her older brother was born only 15 months prior and we had struggled through that pregnancy.  Jeremiah was a twin but because of my sickness and inability to keep anything down, I lost one of the babies.  I tell you this so you can understand how relieved we were that Myrah was born so healthy.  My pregnancy with her was still filled with much sickness and we, as probably all parents, were anxious for her arrival to be assured that she was healthy. 

            There were subtle signs as we began our lives together that things were not okay.  Myrah slept a lot and it was difficult to wake her for feedings.  When she was awake she would nurse only a few minutes and would fall back asleep.  She didn’t roll over or hold her head up as quickly as her brother seemed to.  But, we are taught not to compare our children and so my husband and I attributed it to a difference in personality.  When she was three months old I took her to the emergency room because she seemed to have a bluish tint to her.  The doctor shrugged it off and diagnosed it as a cold.  He prescribed some cold medicine and sent us home.  It wasn’t until a month later when our pediatrician was examining her at a well baby check up that we knew for sure something was wrong.  He told my husband that Myrah had a heart murmur.  Now, although we did not know it until then, heart murmurs are fairly common among children.  He tried to

reassure my husband of this and sent us to the hospital for an EKG.  To make a long story short, we ended up in a cardiologist’s office and we were scared to death.  After a few tests we were told that our baby had a hole in her heart.  I think that is the scariest statement I have ever heard in my whole life.  Myrah had what they call patent ductus arteriosus (P.D.A.) and required surgery as soon as possible.  Now the way God designed the heart is that before a baby is born there are two openings in the heart.  One is between the right and left sides and one is at the top between the pulmonary artery and the aorta.  These are designed to close at birth.  The reason for these holes prior to birth is that they allow blood to flow to the lungs and sort of “exercise” them since there is no air to prepare them for the “big day.” Myrah’s hole was the one located between the pulmonary valve and the aorta.  Instead of needing open heart surgery, the surgeon was going to be able to go in through her back between her ribs and fix the problem.

At the time though, it made no difference, our baby was going to be cut open and they were going to be working on her heart.  Even as I write this the butterflies start up in my stomach.  It was and is an incredibly scary thought. 

            Our God is so powerful though and he had reminded of this all the way through.

Remember the emergency room trip when Myrah was three months old?  Well the doctor had prescribed too high of a dosage of cold medicine for a 3 month old.  He had measured out the first dose at one teaspoon.  Fortunately, having an 18 month old already who only took a half teaspoon, I knew this dose was wrong.  I refused to give it to Myrah and in my stubbornness gave her none of the medication at all.  Two months later as we met with the cardiologist one of the first things he warned us about was cold medicine.  He told us that Myrah’s heart was already working so hard to get the blood throughout her body, (because most of it was falling back into the lungs) that ANY cold medicine would cause her heart to slow down and could kill her.  Isn’t it incredible how God can protect us?

            Myrah is almost three years old as I sit writing this.  She has been completely healed by the surgery and the grace of God.  Her heart is still bigger on one side than the other but eventually that will even out.  We just tell everyone she has a big heart!  Now she does have the energy she lacked in her first few months, in fact we joke that because her heart is bigger that she has twice as much energy as most toddlers!   Although, to some degree I am sure that this is true!!  She is a beautiful and very healthy little girl.

            So why do I tell you all of this?  Well at the beginning of all of this I mentioned that we hear of heart trouble often and I was speaking of the physical type.  I would like to just turn that a bit and focus on the heart of God.  In the years since Myrah’s surgery I have really come to think about the heart of God.  Remembering how scary it was to sit in that doctor’s office and hear that my baby had a hole in her heart still brings chills to my spine.  However, when I think about the hole that must be in God’s heart because of my sins, the ache he must feel to know that he paid the cost of his one and only son for us and yet we still turn away from him.  It is fairly obvious if you read the papers or listen to the news at all to see that the world is falling apart around us.  Satan is running rampant in our schools and in our towns.  Oh, how God’s heart must ache as he sees guns

and drugs in the hands of innocent children.  As he sees his children turning from what they know is right, He must cry a river of tears.  As those we set up in leadership turn their hearts toward the things of this world instead of the eternal things of heaven, there must be a gaping hole in the heart of our creator.  There is an old WhiteHeart song that says, “We are His hands, We are His feet...”   I think to, we are His heart and I wonder what we can do to make a difference in the world, in our world today??

                                                                                                                        Marla Graham

                                                Published December 2003 in Hearts at Home Devotional