Knock It Off!...Oh Wait, You're talking to Me?

It happened again, it always happens.  I guess I can't blame people.  I guess I should be use to it.  But, I'm not.  Sometimes I can laugh about it, actually most of the time.  I can handle the stares, and smile back in response.  But, the comments...well I am not as graceful about those.

I have a big family, (8 children, 2 parents, sum total=10).  When we all go out in public together it is quite a sight.  It is no wonder people stare. Some of the bolder population will even ask me, "Are they all yours?" 

I can handle those questions with grace, because I realize we are a bit of a spectacle and that big families are not that common these days.  Recently, however, I was at a restaurant with 5 of my children, 1 teen and my 4 little ones.  Immediately upon being seated, I felt the stares and saw the pointing finger whispering.  I smiled, passed out sippie cups and french fries and went about my own business.  My precious, "I don't like restaurants, high chairs, or sitting" 20 month old began to tap the table with his cup.  It truly wasn't loud and I decided that it wasn't worth the battle and continued eating.  Unfortunately the whispering diner just down from our table, the one who needed to work on her whispering skills, yeah, well she thought it was a big deal.  She smiled at her family, nodded at her sleeping infant in the carseat next to her and stated in a fake whisper, "I'm glad my kids aren't like that."

The hair stood up on the back of my neck and my eye began to twitch.  I thought to myself two things. 1- I'm glad your kid isn't like this because clearly you wouldn't have the patience to deal with it and 2- Your kid isn't like this YET....but just you wait.

Now neither of those responses are very Godly.  Neither would display the command of Jesus from Matthew 5:43, "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." But I justified my thoughts by saying to myself, "Well I am not as bad as her.  At least I didn't say out loud what I was thinking."  I was still steaming about this lady's comments as I drove home from our outing.  I was discussing it with my teen, when I realized that my thoughts and attitudes toward this woman who had "judged" me, were every bit as mean and ugly as her words.  I began to think about all the Scriptures in the New Testament where it was recorded that, "Jesus knew their thoughts."

Geesh!  Next thing you know, I was convicted.  I realized that I am responsible for my attitudes and actions, not the whispering diner's.  I realized that it has to start somewhere...the no more judging, no more comparing, no more criticizing.  It has to stop!

Well God has a funny way of working and the next thing you know I get an email in my inbox from Hearts at Home's founder, Jill Savage.  Want to guess what it was about?  Well, it was all about this very thing.  It was an invitation to take the Knock It Off Commitment.  This commitment included the following pledges:

• Giving myself grace when I make mistakes.
• Extending grace to other moms when they make mistakes.
• Offering other moms the benefit of the doubt instead of jumping to judgmental conclusions.
• Recognizing that I cannot be and will never be a perfect mom.
• Refusing the temptation to judge when other moms make different choices than I make.
• Embracing differences instead of criticizing them.
• Resisting the urge to compare my insides to other women’s outsides.
• Making strides in honesty with other moms and living an authentic life.
• Doing my part to stop the mommy wars, one “Knock It Off” decision at a time.

So how about it?  Is this an area you struggle with also?  If so, are you willing to take the pledge with me?  Maybe we could start a whole new revolution.  I wonder what the world would be like if we all stopped criticizing and comparing and started helping each other out instead?  What if we truly loved our neighbor as our self?   What if we saw ourselves and others through the eyes of our gracious and loving Savior?  Will you join me?  Just head on over to the page Hearts at Home and sign up! 

Questions or thoughts?  You know I love to hear them!

Mommy Monster and the Messys

Seriously, it is maddening...simply maddening.  Monday I went "clean the house crazy."  My kids always know when it is coming because, according to them, I turn up the music loud and have a look of determination about me.  Well, I set to work cleaning from top to bottom, room to room.  I even vacuumed the ceiling fans.  So what is maddening about that?

Well it is only 3 days later and guess what?  My house looks like a bomb went off in it...seriously I do not even know where some of this stuff comes from.  And what is happening inside of me?  Well I can feel what Jill Savage in her new book, No More Perfect Mom , calls the "Mommy Monster," rising up within me.  Ain't nobody got time for that!

The Mommy Monster says the following things, either out loud or to herself, "No one appreciates me around here."  "Why do I even bother."  "I am living with a bunch of slobs."  "Maybe I will just go on strike and then we will see if anyone notices." She might cry, or yell, or even pout.  She is called a monster for a reason.  And I can feel her trying to push her way out today.  Here is a picture of my living as I sit, right in the middle of it, typing this blog.

Scary isn't it?  And that is just one room!  Really I mostly want to cry, but what good would that do?  Before we had kids, that whole first year of our marriage, I enjoyed a clean house.  I am an organizer and a cleaner, a place for everything and everything in it's place.  But 20 years, and 7 kids later...well a clean house is next to impossible.  Jill Savage says it like this, "Of course, each season of motherhood is unique. Kid clutter comprises different kinds of toys and “stuff” depending on the age of your children." She goes on to say that the infant years are full of rattles, and baby items everywhere, the preschool years have puzzles and interactive games, the grade school years are made up of pieces. Legos, barbie doll accessories, etc.  The teen years are made up of sports bag, music gear, iPods, and in my opinion, shoes!  The problem here is we have the infant stage, the preschool stage, the grade school stage and the teen stage, all at the same time!  Add into that the college stage, where when our son is home so is all of his stuff...and it is a recipe for crazy!

Two things are coming into play and bringing out the Mommy Monster in me.  One, I am not really cleaning the house for my family.  I am cleaning the house for me.  I like a clean house.  I like things organized and put away.  And I will look bad if it isn't clean and someone stops over.  Me, Me Me!  However, I am reminded of the Scripture verse from Colossians chapter 3 verse 23 that tells us, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, and not for man."  I am not approaching this clean house thing with that mind set at all.

The second thing that is coming into play is I am not allowing myself grace.  I am listening to the negative self talk in my head instead of the voice of truth.  I say in my head, "Marla, you are such a failure.  You are home all day, you should have finished that laundry before you went to bed."  But the truth is, I had finished 3 loads of laundry, made lunch and supper, changed a million diapers, helped 2 kids with homework, and gave 3 kids baths.  I am a Type A personality, and when I make a "To Do" list, I expect myself, and others, to check everything off before the day ends.  The truth is though, that sometimes life happens. Unexpected needs arise, a friend needs some counsel, a child needs a listening ear, and people should always take precedent over my list.

One other thing I need to keep in mind is that being a stay at home mom differs from when I was working.  As a teacher, I made progress in what I did, I wrote a weekly lesson plan and moved forward with that, chapter by chapter, book by book, test by test, until we arrived at the end of the year, all educated and ready to move on.  As a stay at home mom, I do and redo the same tasks several times a week, if not several times a day.  Does that make sense? So I often feel like I have accomplished nothing when I really have accomplished it, I just have to reaccomplish it!  (I love making up words!)

So today I am giving myself some grace, I am writing this blog when the self talk says I should be cleaning, and when I am done here, I am going to go play cars with my two year old.  I will clean the house later, maybe!

Grace

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about grace, what it means and how it applies to our lives as Christians. Dictionary.com defines it as, “mercy, clemency; pardon...favor shown in granting a delay or temporary immunity.” It then goes on to have a separate definition under the heading of “Theology.” Here it defines grace as “the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God...the influence or Spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them.”
Isn’t it interesting that the world’s definition of grace and God’s definition of grace are not the same? How true is that! But I wonder which definition the church of today is living out? Or even more clearly, which definition of grace are the people of Christ living out today?
You see the world’s definition is “granting a delay” so there is still a payment due, but the world’s grace means a willingness to wait for that payment.
God’s definition? Well that’s a different story, “freely given, unmerited favor and love.” Payment canceled, end of story! Now that is the grace I hope is extended to me!
Our Sunday school class recently discussed this very thing. We are reading The Power of a Woman’s Words by Sharon Jaynes and a few months ago the lesson was on the lack of community within our Christian communities. In chapter 2 Jaynes tells about a man named Rob, a new believer who shares with his Bible study group that he misses the fellowship he use to have in the bars. Jaynes goes on to say, “Rob didn’t miss the alcohol. He missed the fellowship where no one would judge, condemn, nag, discourage, or tear him down.”
She then goes on to quote Charles Swindoll from his book, Encourage Me.
“The neighborhood bar is possibly the best counterfeit there is to the fellowship Christ wants to give His church. It’s an imitation, dispensing liquor instead of grace, escape rather than reality, but it’s permissive, accepting, and inclusive fellowship…The bar flourishes not because most people are alcoholics, but because God has put into the human heart the desire to know and be known, to love and be loved, and so many seek a counterfeit at the price of a few beers.”
Now that is a lot to think about. Why is it that people aren’t finding that acceptance from those of us who follow Christ?
The SHINE team recently studied Jane Rubietta’s (last year’s speaker) book entitled, Come Closer. Chapter 4 of her book begs the question, “Whatever happen to come just as you are?” and then challenges us by adding, “What if...we didn’t expect people to come all cleaned up, spit shined and pressed, with mouthwash freshening their breath? What if someone weaves into the church with alcohol seeping through her pores? What if a wife shows up with a black eye? What if a drug addict plops down in the front row? Or someone who forgot their anti psychotics that morning? Can we really say, ‘Come as you are?’”
Can people spend time with you without feeling judged? Do they go home encouraged or discouraged after a day with you?
Or maybe you are the one who is feeling judged? When is the last time someone offered you grace~ unmerited favor? Maybe we struggle with giving grace because we have forgotten the grace that was given to us. Maybe the people of God have been less than gracious to us...I hope not friend, but even if this is the case, God has given us grace. Freely, grace has been given freely, not because we have earned it but because he LOVES us. Loves us enough to give up his only son to pay a debt we couldn’t pay. Maybe we have forgotten that part of the story. Maybe we are like that debtor Jesus talks about in Chapter 18 of Matthew.
You might remember the story. A man owed a debt that could not be repaid so he was ordered to be sold, along with his wife and children. Well this man fell to the ground and begged for something he did not deserve, grace. And the master had compassion and blessed the man with the grace he did not deserve.
However, the man went right out and found someone who owed him a debt, much smaller than the one he owed. It would make sense that he would return the same act of kindness that was just given to him, but sadly instead of grace, the man demanded justice. He had this man thrown into prison.
Oh sad day when we become like this man, forgetting so quickly the grace we have been given and demanding justice from others, when we want grace for ourselves.
This story had a sad ending, the man whose debt had been forgiven by the master and then went out to collect debts owed to him, well the master found out and what had once been a huge sigh of relief turned into a moan of justice coming full circle. The master handed him over to be tortured until he could repay all that he owed.
Jesus concludes the story by saying, “My heavenly Father will also do the same to you , If each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.”
Let us not be like this unforgiving servant, who quickly forgets the grace that has been poured out on us. Close your eyes, picture the cross, think about all that God has done for you and then pray and ask God to replace your unforgiveness with forgiveness, your anger with compassion, your judgments with grace.