A Seat at the Table

Being a parent is a hard job, and in my blog post "Just A Foster Parent" I share some of the extra parenting challenges that come along with being a foster parent.  One of the hardest parts is sometimes feeling like you are the only people who are truly advocating for the child(ren) in your care.  Hotline calls are being made, but somewhere after that there seems to be a breakdown.  I did some research earlier this year and found these statistics. According to the Illinois DCFS website as of March 31, 2019, there were 15,612 children in foster care in Illinois.  The number of hotline calls to report concerns as of that same date was 197,420 and the total number of hotline calls for all of 2018 was 276,538.  (DCFS website)
These numbers are staggering and should serve as a wake up call for all of us.

In April of this year there was a heart breaking story that hit the news here in Illinois. A five year old boy, A.J. Freund, had been reported missing and later found buried in a shallow grave that his parents had dug for him.  As if all of that was not heartbreaking enough, the news continued to report that there had been several hotline calls for this boy and yet he remained at home with the parents who would eventually choose to end his life.  This prompted a new wave of public outcry and Illinois Governor Pritzker called several meeting to discuss this with the media and with involved agencies and leaders.  Those events prompted me to write the following letter asking for a seat at the table of these discussions.  Please note that I have not used the names of the children involved to protect their identity. 



Dear Governor Pritzker,
There has been a lot of media coverage regarding the Department of Children and Family Services (“DCFS”) lately.  I was so encouraged to see you have a genuine interest in making needed improvements to this agency.   I believe there are two (2) voices not yet represented: those who choose to be foster parents and the children in the system.  While the underage children currently in the system may not be able speak to the media, former foster children (now older than 18) can speak and perhaps it is possible to interview at least some of the children currently in the system.  As for foster parents, I am certain if given the opportunity, current and former foster parents could offer great insight how to improve DCFS.
 
I stumbled into the foster parenting world unintentionally.  My nephew, Kyle Smith, was killed in May 1998.  My husband and I were running a children’s home at the time and were so surprised by Kyle’s untimely death and my brother and his girlfriend’s role in Kyle’s death.  At that point, we vowed to do whatever we could to ensure nothing like this happened again.  In summer 2008, we learned of more family trouble and made several hotline calls regarding our concerns.  Finally, I went into the local DCFS office and asked to speak with the person in charge.  I was able to share my concerns live and the worker immediately called the hotline himself.  At that point, our nieces were removed from a dangerous situation and two of the girls were placed with their birth mother while the third was placed with us.  

My niece, Blessing 1, was placed with us and was 9 months old at the time.  She had been born substance exposed and, despite DCFS directives, she was living with her birth mother.  Later, when I inquired, I was told DCFS was aware her birth mother had been in contact with her but had not done anything about it. 
Unfortunately, the story continues and, in 2010, sweet Blessing 2 was born.  He was also substance exposed and born prematurely.  He spent weeks in the NICU fighting for his life.  Upon his release from the hospital, he was placed in our home.  His birth mother left the hospital after he was born and did not resurface for three months.  Despite the laws that say that permanency must be the goal for children after 3 months, Blessing 2 was subjected to visits with his birth mother once she reappeared.  

In January 2012, Blessing 3 was born while the same birth mom was serving her prison term.  He was also placed in our home but sadly subjected to weekly visits with his birth mom while she was in prison.  This included weekly strip searches for this tiny baby boy.  In May 2013, Blessing 4 joined our family after his birth.  As foster parents, we had home inspections, family meetings, DCFS reviews, and more.  At times, we were unpopular with the supervising agency, Lutheran Social Services (“LSSI”) because we were advocating for these sweet babies.  We were told things like:

“Mrs. Graham we are a reactive agency, not a proactive one” and “These children have no rights, it is about the birth mother’s rights not the kids.” 
My personal favorite was when they referred to me as “Just a foster parent” despite opening my home to my four sweet miracle nieces and nephews.  

In 2015, after 8 years for Blessing 1 and 5 years for Blessing 2, the birth mother’s rights were terminated and we moved toward adopting these two.  However, at that same time, DCFS, LSSI, and the court systems advocated for the younger two to return to their birth mom.  In March 2015, they returned to her care and DCFS refused to give us access to them in any way.  Blessing 3 had lived in our home his first 3 years of life and Blessing 4 for 22 months.  In July 2016, this birth mom was once again in trouble with DCFS.  At that point, she had another baby, Blessing 5, born in January 2016.  DCFS removed Blessing 5 for the first time in July 2016, but somehow allowed Blessing 3 and Blessing 4 to remain in her care.  She took Blessing 3 to a different state and sent Blessing 4 to his birth fathers. 
After several more drug related run-ins with DCFS, in 2017, a lawyer appointed by the Court to represent Blessing 4 contacted us.  In July 2017, we petitioned the Court on behalf of the boys for an emergency order of protection.  Thankfully, the Court ordered the boys to return to our care, where they remain to this day.  The Court awarded us guardianship over both boys in December 2018.  A new investigation was apparently launched by DCFS into the birth mom and the fate of the remaining child, Blessing 5, has yet to be determined.

I appreciate you taking the time to read through this lengthy story.  There is much more to the story and these are only the highlights; however, this is just ONE story and there are many, many stories with similar themes.  If I had a dollar for every time I heard that the system is so broken, I would be rich.  The system is broken and I want to be a part of fixing it.  I believe there should be a shift in our focus (children centered rather than parent) and the laws should be enforced unilaterally.  I have enclosed a blog post I have written that may give you a better glimpse into the life of foster parents.  I would be happy to discuss any of this further.  If you have questions or other concerns, please feel free to contact me using the above information. 
Marla Graham
Former Foster Momma 


This letter was sent in April of 2019 and to date I have received no reply.  It is disheartening to see so little interest in fixing a system that is truly broken.  There have been many days that I have wanted to give up, especially since all these kids have now been placed in our care.  Even Blessing #5 has been placed in a safe home.  I could take my wins and walk away, but it isn't about winning.

It is about caring.  It is about providing safety and stability for ALL kids.  We all have to do our part.  If we see something that is questionable, then we need to ask questions.  If we know (or even think) that a child is in a dangerous situation, we need to speak up.  Anyone can call the hotline number for DCFS (1-800- 25-ABUSE).  Remember it is not your job to determine if some behavior is abuse or not, don't overthink it.  Report it and let the experts investigate and make the determination.  I know that DCFS has not always gotten it right, but that should not stop us from making the call.  Our response is our responsibility.  Be a voice for those who do not have a voice!


I know that this post, and many of my blog posts, is all about how hard it is to be a foster parent. It is a hard job, the hardest job I have ever had, but I would do it again in a heartbeat.  There are children who need someone to stand in the gap for them, to advocate in the face of adversity for them, to love them unconditionally.

"I (you) can do all things through Christ who gives me (you) strength."  (Philippians 4:13)  I can't promise it will be an easy road. In fact, I can almost guarantee you that it won't be.  Do it anyway!

Questions? Comments?  You know what to do!
Trying to shine,
Marla

A Broken System

 

     This house is one I pass from time to time. The main part of the house is a sturdy brick and this part you see here must have been added on sometime after the main home was built.  At first glance everything seems to be in order, but if you take the time to look a little closer you can see that the back corner (left side in the photo) is actually being held up by a 55 gallon barrel.  Do you see it?  And this isn't something new.  I have been driving past that house for two years now, and the barrel has remained a faithful, albeit shaky, support.

     How incredibly crazy is that?  How on earth can that barrel provide enough support to this back addition? I should mention that the house appears to be empty at this time, but I can't help but wonder what went through the homeowner's mind the day this barrel became the best solution for this very serious problem.

     Honestly, every time I drive by this house I can't help but think that it is a perfect representation of the Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS) and the agency they hire out to help them manage the large case loads.  These are temporary solutions for a very serious situation.

     When my husband and I were taking foster parenting classes, we had a course on the history of DCFS.  Did you know that the first child endangerment cases in the United States were actually tried under the animal cruelty act?  We had an organization for the protection of animals BEFORE we had any safeguards for protecting children. Anyone besides me think this is absolutely crazy?

     I have blogged many times here about our foster parenting journey and have shared the joys and frustrations of that adventure. Over the past few years there have been several headlines about children who have been involved with DCFS who have died. Initially the public outcry is great,

"How could this happen?"

Why isn't DCFS protecting kids?"

"The system is broken!"

"How can those caseworkers live with themselves?"

There is truth in all of these statements, but it is not an easy fix. For far too long the system has operated like the house in the picture above, as a temporary support for an often long term, on going problem. There is a push in the legal system to get these children back to their birth parents because that is viewed as what is best, keeping families in tact. And although there are laws in place to ensure that children moved toward permanency within 9 months of being in the system, those laws are often stretched or even outright ignored for all too often, faint hope that the birth parents are making progress.

     I have sat in many a court room. I have heard the Guardian ad Litem (state appointed lawyer for the children) argue that the parents are not making enough progress toward the goals set for them by DCFS. We have watched the parent's attorneys argue back that the goals are too hard (random drug drops, mandatory counseling, parenting classes...) We have hired our own attorney so that we could have a voice. I have spent hours writing letters and making phone calls to advocate for the children in our care. We have been threatened by birth parents and even by caseworkers. We have had to send children on visits with people the courts have deemed "unsafe" because it has been viewed as important to work towards the birth parent/child bonding. We have had to send one of our little guys on weekly prison visits, where he was strip searched, because the mom had a right to visits. We have had to take a child to the emergency room for treatment after one of those visits. I have had to come get children early from those visits because the parent(s) have physically harmed them, or have put them in danger in some way. And yet, the visits continued as scheduled the next week.

     Please understand that I am not saying that children should never be reunited with their parents and that we shouldn't work to restore those relationships. I am not saying that at all. Sometimes people make mistakes and need support, training and guidance in order to correct those mistakes and move forward.

     I remember a conversation I had with an agency manager one time. I had called expressing concern for one of our little guys. I was told that the decision being made was what the mom wanted and she had rights. I expressed that I was not trying to step on the mom's rights and was only advocating for this particular child. I can still feel the shock and frustration I felt that day as I type this. He replied to me, "Mrs. Graham, the child does not have ANY rights. This is about the parent's rights" Excuse me? How can a child in protective custody not have any rights? How can parents who have had multiple children removed from their care, who have been involved with DCFS for years, have more rights than the children we are suppose to be serving?

     I have asked this question repeatedly throughout our involvement with DCFS and always I get the same answer. "Each child is a new chance." Did you know that when a child comes into care (DCFS custody) that information regarding other children in DCFS care from these parents cannot be brought into court? For example, this is the family history in our case:

 13 children between the biological parents
2 deceased (1 killed, 1 died shortly after being born)
All removed by DCFS at one time or another

And yet, this information is not shared with the judge. If there has been a period of time between incidences, the caseworkers may not even know. I remember one time I received a call inquiring whether or nor we would accept placement of a child who had just been born. I expressed relief because I had been worrying about this young boy and the caseworker asked me why I had concerns. I told her that another child had died in the home and that I was afraid for this new babies safety. Her response? I can't quote it exactly but it was along the lines of. "Really? I didn't realize that. I see here that there is a red flag on the case but didn't look back to see why?"

     Each attempt to do what is best for the child in question ends up being no more than the 55 gallon barrel solution. The system is broken, and this is not just the fault of DCFS, or the fault of the legal system.  It is a complex problem and will require great effort and likely some "out of the box" thinking to repair. 

     Back to the photo, I have been working on this particular blog for a few months. I have struggled to get my thoughts out of my head and onto the screen and in the time it has taken me to finish this there has been a change. Last weekend when I drove past this house, I was surprised to find that there was a fire and the house is nothing but a pile of rubble. It is what motivated me to finish this blog. The more I think about it, the more I realize that we are all guilty in some way or another, we find ourselves in a situation and we have to scramble around and come up with a quick solution. At best these are the stories we share and worst they result in a total loss. Nothing more than a pile of rubble on the ground.

     Children are our most precious resource.  They are our future, and they deserve the energy and effort it takes to have a permanent solution in a timely manner.  We've all seen those Facebook posts with the adorable pictures of kids on adoption day holding signs that say, "After _____ days in foster care, today I was adopted."  I just did a Google search for images and these are just some of the number of days that came up"

389
682
739
777
850
907
1359
1426
2456
2555

And then there was this one which says a lot: 

 To date we have only adopted two of our four and their numbers were 2786 days and 2040 days.  Each of those numbers represent days that children have been held in limbo, in between two homes, two lives, their status yet undecided.  Those numbers represent a life put on hold while we prop a barrel up under them and hope it holds up long enough to fix the underlying problem(s). Our kids deserve more than this!

In the words of the Psalmists, "Teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom." (Psalm 90"12)

As always, let me know if you have comments or questions!

Marla

Wandering in the Desert

Goodness, what a journey the Lord has taken us on!  If you have followed our foster care/adoption story at all you know that we have been blessed with the privilege of raising four additional kids.  We stepped in initially with the hope of being able to come alongside the birth parents to work toward restoring the parent/child relationship.  As with most of our plans, things worked out differently and  in February of 2015 we learned that we would have the opportunity to move toward adoption on two of those sweet babies, but at that same time, we learned that we would have to say good-bye to the younger two (ages 3 and 21 months).  What a bittersweet year that was.

Even now four years later, so many emotions still fill my heart. The heart wrenching goodbye that came on March 8 of 2015 left us completely Broken. It was the hardest thing any of us have ever had to do.We spent the next year trying to put the pieces back together.  Not just our pieces, but each of our remaining six children were also shattered.  I can still see my sweet Anthony laying in his brother's bed shortly after he had left.  I can still hear him saying to me, "Momma, I am pretending that Aiders is laying here with me."  Not a one of us walked away from the boys' departure unharmed.

So fast forward 866 days, that is how many days went by before we were able to see these sweet boys again.  We spent those days weeping, trying to heal, and praying without ceasing.  God answered our prayers and on July 21, 2017 the boys were returned to our care.  I have often referred to these kids as our  "Moses Babies"  and as the events of the last year and a half have played out, I again find myself relating to Moses.  This time I am connecting with the part of Moses story where he leads the Israelites out of bondage and away from Pharaoh's harsh treatment.

In Chapter 14 of Exodus we can read how God used Moses to lead his people out of Egypt.  He parts the Red Sea and leads them into freedom.  The people had spent years praying to be delivered from their circumstances, hoping with each new day that they would be rescued.  Now finally that day had come.  What an incredible celebration they had as Chapter 15 begins. It doesn't take the Israelite long to realize that along with their fulfilled hope came new challenges and by the beginning of Chapter 16 they cry out, "Would that we had died by the Lord's hand in the Land of Egypt, when we sat by the pots of meat, when we ate bread to the full; for you [Moses] have brought us out into the wilderness to kill the whole assembly with hunger." (Exodus 16:3)  In other words they are saying, "Man this is way harder than we thought."  They wanted God to rescue them but didn't really want to have to suffer in any way.  They didn't want it to cost them anything.  Can you believe those whiny Israelites?  What a bunch of big babies.  I am so glad I am not like that...

But wait...
Maybe, just maybe I am?

Now don't misunderstand what I am saying, I do not regret for even a half a second that the Lord answered our prayers and brought the boys home to us.  Not a moment goes by that I do not realize how incredibly blessed we are to share our lives with them once again.  But, what I am saying is that it was harder than I expected it to be.  The sweet, happy go lucky boys we had to send back into questionable circumstances were not the same boys that returned to our home.  They returned broken, having experienced heart breaking things that forever changed them.  Our hearts ached as we realized how much they had changed and still break as we are working through the healing process.  I struggled with angry thoughts like, "If only they had not left our care..." and "I didn't create this problem but here I am stuck with having to fix it."  So I guess the truth is, we were not the same either and there were challenges to face as we worked to adjust to our new normal. It has been hard and at times I have whined to the Lord (and a few friends) because things were way harder than I thought they would be.  I eagerly await the part of the story where I get to pen, "...and they lived happily ever after."  But real life is not like those fairy tales and much like I recently heard Liz Bohannon of Sseko Designs say, "You have a story to write.  You cannot know the end before you start typing."

To continue with the Isrealite's story, they spend the rest of Exodus traveling through some hard places and facing unexpected challenges, but EVERYTIME,  EVERY SINGLE TIME, the Lord provides for them.  You need water, here have some water from this rock.  You need food, well let me give you some manna from Heaven.  Tired of manna?  No problem, here is some quail.  Surrounded on all sides by your powerful enemies?  Not to worry, I will make you victorious.  Time and time again God meets their needs.  However, as they work their way toward the promise land, they continue to whine and complain, to grumble against God, and often to do the exact opposite of what God told them to.

This is where I hope our stories differ!  I hope that I can take some notes and learn a lesson or two from my fellow sojourners so that I can walk a different path.  I want to be more like Caleb and Joshua who chose to believe what God had promised rather than what seemed to their fellow Israelite brothers to be sure defeat. (Numbers 13).

No matter how the end of our story ends up being written, I know that God truly is the "author and perfecter" of my faith and so I will fix my eyes on Jesus. After all, He too faced circumstances that were harder than we can imagine and suffered to fix a problem He didn't create, and He did so with joy?!   Here's hoping we can too! 

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

Blessings
~Marla