With Hope

Loss. Pain.  Grief.

We have all experienced these. We have all felt the depths of emotions that go with these words.

Sometimes that loss is someone we loved deeply and we wrestle through the raw emotions the void of this absence has created.

Sometimes its the loss of a friendship or relationship and the hopes and future dreams that shatter with it.
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Other times it is the loss of a job and the financial security that goes with that.

And sometimes it is the loss of a dream, something that you had longed for, worked for, and prayed for.  Maybe you have longed for a precious baby in your empty arms.  Maybe you are losing the battle to save your marriage.  Maybe it is yet another rejection letter for something hoped for. These losses are not always as visible to others, which can add to the grief.

There are times when these losses seem insurmountable.  They tower over us and threaten to hold us down forever.

I have been there. In May of 1998 my nephew, Kyle, was tragically killed.  This smiling little guy was just beginning to navigate the world of 3 year olds- puppy kisses, tractors and tools, and Jesus. His death was tragic and changed the course of life as my family and I knew it.

At the time of his death, Steven Curtis Chapman had just released a song entitled "With Hope" and the lyrics expressed what my heart was crying.

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but...
We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again
And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...
We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so...
We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

Kyle's death was hard to accept, and made even harder by the fact that his death was a result of child abuse.   Kyle died in May of 1998, and here I sit this morning twenty-two years later and I can see that even though "This is not at all how we thought it was supposed to be," God has taken our pain and given us beauty for ashes.  Isaiah 61:2-3 promises that God will comfort those who mourn and, "Bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." Kyle's death led us to our journey into the foster care world and added 4 precious babies to our family.  And it lead to more heartache, pain, grief and loss.

Loss.  Pain.  Grief.

In March of 2015, two of those sweet babies were returned to their birth mom.  The loss was felt so deeply that I was not sure we would ever be able to survive it.  We nearly didn't.  Once again I listened to this song on repeat.  Reminding myself that even though we were broken, "We (could) cry with hope, we (could) say goodbye with hope" and we clung to the hope that our goodbye was not the end and that there would be a place, either here on earth or once we made it to Heaven, that we would see their faces again.  

Hope, I think that is what helps us navigate the deep and muddy waters of pain and loss.  We knew that whether or not the boys returned we had to trust that God was still working as we prayed daily (many times a day) for our heart's desire, we still had to find a way to "grieve with hope" even if God did not answer our prayers the way we were hoping, even if God did say no.

And He did say, "No," for 866 days we prayed, we hoped, we plead.  We feared for their safety, and wrestled through nightmare filled nights of all they may be facing, all the while trying to cling to hope.

But then came day 867,and the boys were returned!  What a precious day that was.  What once was lost, now was found.  Our hearts were filled to overflowing as we saw hope fulfilled.

I wish I could tell you that from this point on, "We lived happily ever after" but that is the life of fairy tales, and this side of  Heaven not likely to be reality.  We continue to grieve losses, even in this situation.  We grieve the loss of what could have been, who these sweet babies would be without the trauma they experienced.  God is still working out our story, still filling the pages with tales yet unknown to us.  And we face each day, or at least try to face each day, with hope.  Knowing for certain that we can trust the author even on the hard days.

 Loss.  Pain.  Grief.


Life is like that, isn't it?  Loss comes and sucker punches you and you stumble around trying to get your footing back.  Little by little you regain your balance and just when you think you are steady along comes some other heartbreak to knock you off your feet.

Our sweet, giggly little boys came back angry and fearful.  The little boys who would leap from the edge of the pool and just trust that we would be there to catch them came back too afraid to even let us out of their sight.  Two years after there return we can look back and see how far they've come,; see God's handiwork all over them.  It is easy to get caught up in the loss, pain, and grief of today but we need to remember God's past faithfulness and then rest as we believe with hope...

Not sure what you are walking through as you read through this blog, but whatever it is I hope you can walk in knowing that no matter how deep the valley, God is there.  He sees you.  He loves you.  No matter how dark the days seem, I pray that you will find the ray of hope that is there and remember that He promises to give you beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning and peace for despair.  Let me know if I can help in anyway!

Trying to Shine,

Marla