Just a Nobody

For as long as I can remember I have faced a battle to be somebody.  I have shared here before that I grew up in some pretty rough circumstances. Food, and clothes were in limited supply.  I was the free lunch, government cheese kid.  It was a humbling road to walk, and though I appreciated the food and money help we had during that time I hated being "that kid."  Food and clothes were not the only thing in short supply from my youth.  Those are just the easier things to talk about because everyone who knows my past, knows those things.  The fear of not knowing where my next meal is going to come from is something from my far away past. 

What is not so far away is the daily struggle I have with feeling as if I am someone people cannot love.  This is a very raw part of my heart and something I have only shared before with a few close friends.  You see when you grow up knowing that you are not what your parents want, not what anyone wants, it messes with your head and punctures your heart.  All of my life I have wrestled to be "somebody" all the while knowing that I am nothing more than a "Smith kid from Castleton."  I knew it, I felt it, I fought it.  I used to blast Travis Tritt's song for hours from my bedroom stereo, "I'm gonna be somebody, one of these days I'm gonna break these chains..." and I worked hard to do just that. 

But no matter what I did, at the end of the day, I still knew that no matter what I did, it would not change the fact that I was someone that people just could not love.

I remember the first time I heard the gospel message, that God loved ME so much that He sent his son (that HE loved) to come die on a cross for ME.  I was surprised that anyone would do such a thing for me.  Ultimately, that is what led me to committing my life to Christ.  And, my heart healed.  I still struggled but when I was feeling unloved I would read scripture and remind myself that God loved me, God chose me.  I am "fearfully and wonderfully made and He "knit me together in my mother's womb" (Psalm 139) and "had plans for me" (Jeremiah 29:11). 

Wouldn't it be great if the story ended there?  I want it to, but life is a journey and until we reach our final destination, we will be faced with struggles and trials that continue to grow us. I posted a blog sometime ago entitled, "Splinters and Wounds"that reminds us that if we don't fully remove splinters (deal with painful past circumstances) then we will continually bump into them and they will continue to cause pain.  Well, that is exactly what happened. 

Life happened, I got married, finished my degree, had kids, and started teaching.  I struggled with these old feelings anytime Jerry (my husband) and I had a disagreement.  I knew in my head that he loved me but my heart would tell me that I had finally done the one thing that would make him stop loving me.  It was the same with friends, if I disappointed anyone I was sure they would just be done with me.  This is a great recipe for becoming a people pleaser, and I was a great one!

God, in his infinite love and care, would not leave me there though.  He kept stretching and growing me to be who HE called me to be. It all came to a head when my dad was dying.  I was at the hospital visiting him before he went in for heart surgery.  Things had been tense between us since my brother's kids had been placed in our care by DCFS.  He was angry with me for speaking out and blamed me for the situation.  We hadn't talked in months and I was hoping this would be the moment of reconciliation.  He looked up at me, pointed to the whiteboard on the wall of his hospital bed that listed family members and their phone numbers.  He looked me right in the eye and said, "Notice your name is not there."  Those were the last words my dad ever spoke to me.  Even now as I type them I can feel the sting of his words.  Message received, "You are unwanted, you are not worthy of my love." 

Just recently, I applied for a job in the town I have lived in for the past 15 years.  A town where I have finally felt "at home" in.  The place where we raised our babies, and are still raising them!  This is the town I want to grow old in.  The people in this town have loved on us, and we have had the privileged to love on them. Long story short, I did not get the job.  It felt very much like the old struggle all over again.  This rejection felt very personal and has brought back all the old "Smith kid from Castleton" memories.

Splinters and wounds.

Then George Floyd's death and the riots broke out, and I was reminded that many people struggle with feeling like we were born at a disadvantage, and that no matter how hard we strive to overcome those things, we cannot. I was also reminded, that this simply is not true.  We are ALL "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139) and God has "a plan to prosper us and not to harm us" (Jeremiah 29:11). Italics mine

Music has been a tool that the Lord has used to bring healing in the midst of my brokenness, and this time is no different.  Casting Crowns recently released a song entitled, "Nobody" that has been a gentle reminder that:

1. I am loved and somebody in the eyes of God and

2. It isn't about me, it is all about Jesus

Here are some of the lyrics to this song:

Why You ever chose me
Has always been a mystery
All my life, I've been told I belong
At the end of a line
With all the other Not-Quites
With all the Never-Get-It-Rights
But it turns out they are the ones You were looking for
All this time

'Cause I'm just a nobody trying to tell everybody
All about Somebody who saved my soul
Ever since You rescued me, You gave my heart a song to sing
I'm living for the world to see nobody but Jesus
I'm living for the world to see nobody but Jesus

Moses had stage fright
And David brought a rock to a sword fight
You picked twelve outsiders nobody would've chosen
And You changed the world
Well, the moral of the story is
Everybody's got a purpose
So when I hear that devil start talking to me, saying
"Who do you think you are?" I say

I'm just a nobody trying to tell everybody
All about Somebody who saved my soul
Ever since You rescued me, You gave my heart a song to sing

Songwriters: Mark John Hall / Bernie Herms / Matthew Joseph West

Nobody lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Songtrust Ave, BMG Rights Management

My favorite line is, "You picked twelve outsiders nobody would've chosen and You changed the world." I am definitely an "outsider" that nobody would have chosen.  Beyond that,  I so hope to change the world.  Want to join me?  I think I will start by loving those around me and letting them know that we are all somebody in the eyes of Jesus.

As always, let me know if you have comments or questions!

With Hope

Loss. Pain.  Grief.

We have all experienced these. We have all felt the depths of emotions that go with these words.

Sometimes that loss is someone we loved deeply and we wrestle through the raw emotions the void of this absence has created.

Sometimes its the loss of a friendship or relationship and the hopes and future dreams that shatter with it.
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Other times it is the loss of a job and the financial security that goes with that.

And sometimes it is the loss of a dream, something that you had longed for, worked for, and prayed for.  Maybe you have longed for a precious baby in your empty arms.  Maybe you are losing the battle to save your marriage.  Maybe it is yet another rejection letter for something hoped for. These losses are not always as visible to others, which can add to the grief.

There are times when these losses seem insurmountable.  They tower over us and threaten to hold us down forever.

I have been there. In May of 1998 my nephew, Kyle, was tragically killed.  This smiling little guy was just beginning to navigate the world of 3 year olds- puppy kisses, tractors and tools, and Jesus. His death was tragic and changed the course of life as my family and I knew it.

At the time of his death, Steven Curtis Chapman had just released a song entitled "With Hope" and the lyrics expressed what my heart was crying.

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but...
We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again
And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...
We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so...
We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

Kyle's death was hard to accept, and made even harder by the fact that his death was a result of child abuse.   Kyle died in May of 1998, and here I sit this morning twenty-two years later and I can see that even though "This is not at all how we thought it was supposed to be," God has taken our pain and given us beauty for ashes.  Isaiah 61:2-3 promises that God will comfort those who mourn and, "Bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." Kyle's death led us to our journey into the foster care world and added 4 precious babies to our family.  And it lead to more heartache, pain, grief and loss.

Loss.  Pain.  Grief.

In March of 2015, two of those sweet babies were returned to their birth mom.  The loss was felt so deeply that I was not sure we would ever be able to survive it.  We nearly didn't.  Once again I listened to this song on repeat.  Reminding myself that even though we were broken, "We (could) cry with hope, we (could) say goodbye with hope" and we clung to the hope that our goodbye was not the end and that there would be a place, either here on earth or once we made it to Heaven, that we would see their faces again.  

Hope, I think that is what helps us navigate the deep and muddy waters of pain and loss.  We knew that whether or not the boys returned we had to trust that God was still working as we prayed daily (many times a day) for our heart's desire, we still had to find a way to "grieve with hope" even if God did not answer our prayers the way we were hoping, even if God did say no.

And He did say, "No," for 866 days we prayed, we hoped, we plead.  We feared for their safety, and wrestled through nightmare filled nights of all they may be facing, all the while trying to cling to hope.

But then came day 867,and the boys were returned!  What a precious day that was.  What once was lost, now was found.  Our hearts were filled to overflowing as we saw hope fulfilled.

I wish I could tell you that from this point on, "We lived happily ever after" but that is the life of fairy tales, and this side of  Heaven not likely to be reality.  We continue to grieve losses, even in this situation.  We grieve the loss of what could have been, who these sweet babies would be without the trauma they experienced.  God is still working out our story, still filling the pages with tales yet unknown to us.  And we face each day, or at least try to face each day, with hope.  Knowing for certain that we can trust the author even on the hard days.

 Loss.  Pain.  Grief.


Life is like that, isn't it?  Loss comes and sucker punches you and you stumble around trying to get your footing back.  Little by little you regain your balance and just when you think you are steady along comes some other heartbreak to knock you off your feet.

Our sweet, giggly little boys came back angry and fearful.  The little boys who would leap from the edge of the pool and just trust that we would be there to catch them came back too afraid to even let us out of their sight.  Two years after there return we can look back and see how far they've come,; see God's handiwork all over them.  It is easy to get caught up in the loss, pain, and grief of today but we need to remember God's past faithfulness and then rest as we believe with hope...

Not sure what you are walking through as you read through this blog, but whatever it is I hope you can walk in knowing that no matter how deep the valley, God is there.  He sees you.  He loves you.  No matter how dark the days seem, I pray that you will find the ray of hope that is there and remember that He promises to give you beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning and peace for despair.  Let me know if I can help in anyway!

Trying to Shine,

Marla